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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let Mil come shoe shopping

31 replies

Amonkeyisnotacitykid · 08/06/2015 10:12

Mil wants to meet my dh with my pfb to buy her first pair of school shoes.

There is a back story to this, she is very needy and self absorbed. She expects us to do all visiting, to buy and wrap our kids birthday and Christmas presents from her, to take her food shopping, she told me to buy a new car so she can fit in so we could take her places and the list goes on.

This is a woman in her mid sixties with no major health problems. I find her attitude very draining and I am not used to someone being so self reliant on other people. My sil feels the same way.

As a consequence I would prefer to keep her at arms length.

My Mil was also not there for her children while they were growing up so I feel that she is trying to take away this precious moment from me.

I am my daughters mum so dh and I should be getting her first pair of school shoes and not her and my dh. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
SusanIvanova · 08/06/2015 10:16

Would your Mil be replacing you on this trip?

Soduthen116 · 08/06/2015 10:18

If it means that much to you say no. I never understand these threads to be honest. Say yes if it suits you and no if it doesn't.

grannytomine · 08/06/2015 10:20

I might not be the best judge on this. I have 4 grown up kids, one had feet that weren't the same size when he was little (they did eventually more or less even up) one had flat feet and needed special shoes to correct them, one had very narrow feet and one had very wide feet (h fitting not wide enough at one point so had to have shoes made for him) If anyone had offered to take them shoe shopping I would have cried with relief as it was a horrible experience to go shoe shopping. As adults they all wear perfectly normal fitting shoes with no problems so I feel it was all a conspiracy to drive me mad.

I don't think you are bu but I would have loved it.

Earthbound · 08/06/2015 10:21

Well yes by all means say no if it doesn't suit you or you don't want her there. What's the issue? It's only shoe shopping.

QueenofallIsee · 08/06/2015 10:22

You are her Mum, and if you want to get her shoes then do! I don't see why your MIL cannot be there are well though.

I do understand what you mean by draining and needy, I would imagine that gets a bit much but keeping her at arms length sounds a bit brutal. You don't mention a FIL, is she alone? In good health or not, there are some people for whom simple things can make them feel vulnerable as they get older and lose confidence. I know it must be annoying, your husband needs to help strike a compromise between his family obligations and you but she doesn't sound mean, spiteful, disrespectful or toxic (to use a MN phrase) so can you not find a way to co-exist?

Earthbound · 08/06/2015 10:24

I don't really see shoe shopping as a precious moment TBH. Mostly it's stressful and expensive. If my MIL has offered to go instead I would have been delighted. But there's obviously a backstory to your post.

WipsGlitter · 08/06/2015 10:27

Why are you buying school shoes now? Or is this already being discussed for September??

Also have you been to Clarks for school shoes? Dantes seventh circle of hell has nothing on it.

SewingAndCakes · 08/06/2015 10:27

She doesn't sound very pleasant but I don't get the shoe shopping thing; is it meant to be a big moment buying their first school shoes? If so I've missed it twice.

If you don't want her to go then just say no, we're going some other time.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 08/06/2015 10:27

Yanbu.
Buy buying shoes is a precious moment ? Sheesh!

grannytomine · 08/06/2015 10:29

I have paid for first school shoes for GC but I didn't go. Four times bitten and never again. I see I am not the only one to find shoe shopping for children a stressful experience.

SocialMediaAddict · 08/06/2015 10:30

I've never found buying kids shoes to be a special moment. It's frazzling and expensive.

PotteringAlong · 08/06/2015 10:32

She can take mine of she wants to!

Original poster
Amonkeyisnotacitykid · 08/06/2015 10:41

Thank you for all your comments. Yes you are right it is only shoe shopping! And she would be replacing me on this trip. But I suppose how I feel about her is somewhat colouring my judgement on this.

We're not buying shoes just now but this is what Mil is like, she is already asking about Christmas presents........

There isn't a fil ( a whole other thread!) and I feel she does over rely on her children. I suppose I also compare her to my own parents who are roughly the same age but outlook on life is so different to hers.

I suppose I have to weigh up how much this means to me to get her first school shoes - and it does mean a lot! Compared to my future relationship with Mil, as I do think I would be really resentful towards her if she did go instead of me.

OP posts:
Pooseyfrumpture · 08/06/2015 10:41

Just make sure you take her to Clarks in a busy town centre at about 10.45am on the Saturday before school starts.

She'll have the best time Grin

morelikeguidelines · 08/06/2015 10:42

I don't really enjoy buying school shoes but if you do, tell her no.

BTW I agree with PPs - don't buy school shoes now as your DD may grow out of them by September!

CrapBag · 08/06/2015 10:43

YANBU. Tell her no and stop doing all these things for her. She can do them herself, she just doesn't want to.

My MIL wasn't overly bothered about us or the DCs. Then her DH (not DH's dad) left her and she became incredibly needy and wanted DH around her a lot and expected him to do a lot of running around after her. She is perfectly fit and healthy but she does like relying on other people who she can. Even her own DD thinks the same as me: that she wasn't interested in us all when she had a husband but now she doesn't she expects everyone to be there for her. At first I used to get DH to go after a day at work and he was knackered, I would listen to her cry down the phone. After a couple of years I got fed up and I don't see her unless she bothers to come to our house, which isn't often. She expects DH to go to her. If I ever dare to say anything less than "oh yes I'm fine" to when she asks how i am, I get a "oh well never mind" response. If she is having a 'problem' (a d i do use the word problem loosely) and DH doesn't give her a gushing sympathetic reply, she'll tell him he's made her cry.

Her latest is she wants to come on days out with us. There is no room in the car as DH has told her, so she wants us to take 2 cars (we have a second car) just to accommodate her. I have a health condition where I get very tired so a day out is exhausting and I would never drive back like that. Plus I don't see why we should be accommodating when she wasn't bothered with us before.

I get what you mean with the shoes. We don't go in town often because I find it exhausting, so trips for things like shoes is treated as a 'thing', we have lunch, take them in toy shops, get new bits they need and I enjoy all that type of stuff. I wouldn't want anyone else dragging around with us.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 08/06/2015 10:43

I find shoe shopping to be the worst sort of shopping of all. If I could send someone else to do it I would.

I wouldn't want anyone else with me. I want the whole over and dealt with as soon as possible. Anyone else tagging along would just hold up the whole fucking pain in the ass process. Who the fuck cares if mil, Auntie, nephew, Dh or whoever likes or dislikes the sodding shoes your child has chosen??? They aint gonna be wearing them so it's irrelevant. And it's just more people clogging up the shop in the fucking way.

I hate it, I really really hate it and am putting it off until the last minute.

wipsgliter thanks for the heads up about Clarks. I shall make sure I swerve it.

Izzy24 · 08/06/2015 10:44

Can't you all go?

CrapBag · 08/06/2015 10:46

Why would she be replacing you? I assumed she would be going with you.

Don't let her go in your place. Your child going to school for the first time is exciting and all the prep that goes with it is part of that. I wouldn't let someone take them for their school shoes without me.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 08/06/2015 10:46

Oh I see she's replacing you. Can she come and replace me?

popalot · 08/06/2015 10:51

why not get two pairs of shoes? You go first with dd, then dh and mil can go and get another pair if they want.

grannytomine · 08/06/2015 10:53

Comparing her to your own parents doesn't really help. People are different and sometimes people are different if they are in a couple e.g. if you mum lost your dad she might be much more needy. I am in my 60s and happily go off on round trips to my kids meaning a drive of 5 or 600 miles over a few days on several motorways. I know other women my age who will drive to local shops or to visit local friends but are horrified at the thought of a motorway drive. Does that make me amazing or weird? We are just different as all people are.

Enjoy your shoe shopping. Can you delegate something else to her like making his pe bag or something.

CPtart · 08/06/2015 10:57

I get you. It's nothing to do with whether shoe shopping is a pleasurable experience or not, it's the fact she wants to be involved in every aspects of your lives. You could have another 20 odd years of this, only worsening as she ages. Say no. She's bored but needs to find some hobbies or friends of her own.

MythicalKings · 08/06/2015 10:59

Just tell her no.

But I'm finding it hard to believe you'd actually resent her forever if she went instead. That's a bit odd and very precious.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 08/06/2015 11:08

IF you want to do it, do it. But from your comments I don't think the problem you have with her is all on her, your attitude is kinda odd too.

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