To not let Mil come shoe shopping

[Amonkeyisnotacitykid]

Mil wants to meet my dh with my pfb to buy her first pair of school shoes.

There is a back story to this, she is very needy and self absorbed. She expects us to do all visiting, to buy and wrap our kids birthday and Christmas presents from her, to take her food shopping, she told me to buy a new car so she can fit in so we could take her places and the list goes on.

This is a woman in her mid sixties with no major health problems. I find her attitude very draining and I am not used to someone being so self reliant on other people. My sil feels the same way.

As a consequence I would prefer to keep her at arms length.

My Mil was also not there for her children while they were growing up so I feel that she is trying to take away this precious moment from me.

I am my daughters mum so dh and I should be getting her first pair of school shoes and not her and my dh. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

I get you! My mil is the same. I try to steer her into the things i dont want to do e.g. sigh, babys pram is looking a bit dirty. Ive no idea what machine setting i would use for that cover. She loves to feel useful and we all stay happy.

First shoes ever is a trip thats nice to do, but first school shoes at 4? Leave her to it for all the reasons above.

You are a bit weird! I'm sensing nightmare DIL.

No, you're not being unreasonable. And yes you should put your foot down.

It's got nothing to do with shoes - could be anything: the fact is that this is something YOU want to do, so the best thing to do is to stick to your guns. This is best for you and your family and it's best for MIL too, in the long run. Explain it to your H too: the bottom line is, if you are going to give in to her on things that are important to you, fairly soon you're simply going to resent her, that will grow - and you'll all suffer. Especially MIL, when you finally tell her to fuck off, after allowing her more and more 'ins' until you can't stand it any more.

Fat better to draw boundaries which protect the things you want to keep within your own family - do this, and you will feel more in control and able to be generous and kind to her and support an appropriate, grandparent role for her in the family.

Do it now and get her used to the idea that she's important, yes - but she does not ever get to replace you - that's a particularly weird bit - she wants to be there instead of you, with your H? Just - no!

It's not about shoes. It's about where to put a boundary. Put it where YOU are comfortable, and ultimately MIL will be resented far less - which will be good for her too.

Can I just say that YABU to buy your dd's school shoes now! My DS shoes have a hole in the bottom and I'm not replacing then because it would literally be for 2/3weeks as he will grow out of them by August.

What Poosey said.

It is very important to go in the 1100-1300 window as a) the place will be madly busy and b) the children will all be hungry and wanting their lunch or a snack, so will be cross and shouty. And yes, absolutely, the last Saturday before school starts, when everyone is there...

I understand how you feel, I get quite nostalgic about things like first shoe shopping when it comes to my kids. And no, I don't like sharing them. I like to go and buy the shoes and go to get breakfast, it's a little thing we do together as a family.

I'll happily share loads of other things, but if it's something that means a lot to me I want to experience it as a Mother. I know it sounds a bit nuts, but it's how I feel.

My MIL can be pushy but when I say no or suggest an alternative she's pretty respectful. She wants to come over on Christmas Eve, no problem - but please go before we do the cookies and carrots for Rudolph and Santa.

You don't need to explain yourself OP, just don't tell her when you are going. But maybe visit after so your DD can show them off.