to keep waiting to TTC?

[bumblegrot]

I joined Mumsnet a long time ago now to read up on the whole TTCing thing. Several years later, I'm still here, seemingly no closer to getting round to it.

DH and I keep thinking 'next year'. But I'm 33 now and I wonder if not now, when.

We wanted to own our own place but it's seeming impossible, but we have ok jobs and an ok income, but credit card debts that are at the moment manageable but of course I'd rather weren't there. I do worry about the financial side a lot.

AIBU putting it off for another year or two? Or more?

No one can really answer this apart from you. I'd say you're not being unreasonable to wait if that's what you want.
Do you want to wait? It could happen immediately, it could take years, you just don't know.

YANBU to do whatever you want. Your life, your body, your decision and no-one else's.
But as you ask... I had my first baby at 29 and my second at 32. It was noticeably harder work being pregnant at 32 and I haven't lost the weight as fast etc. it also took a lot longer to get pregnant at 32 than at 29 (fertility declines with a very sharp curve).

Starting a family seemed like a big step at the time, but as soon as my eldest arrived I wished I'd done it sooner (but not - if you see what I mean, I wouldn't want him to be any different!). The bit of my life with my kids in it is hands down the best bit of my life so far and I'd have loved it to be a longer chunk of it if you see what I mean. We are also now limited in terms of how many we want/what kind of gap we have between kids (ie if we want a third we can't have a big gap) and the longer you leave it, the narrower your options in terms of size of family and pacing of siblings.

So if it wasn't unforgivably rude to comment on someone else's reproductive plans, I'd say it's time you got jiggy with it woman!

That said, if you really really don't feel ready then of course don't do anything you don't want to do :-)

There will never be a 'perfect' time to have a baby so if you are waiting to get all your ducks in a row, so to speak, then you will never have one as things always pop up in life to muck things up. Also, as I am sure you are aware, fertility does start to drop off quite a lot post-30 so if, in your heart of hearts, you really want a baby, start now!!

On a practical note, I'd say pay off the debts ASAP (do you have a realistic timescale/plan?) and don't worry about having your own place or bags of money. The latter shouldn't be a factor - you work it all out somehow.

The widespread belief that fertility drops off significantly after 30 is based on outdated statistics from the 18th century. More recent studies show a very minor difference between fertility levels in late20s/early30s on the one hand and late 30s on the other hand.

Ultimately it has to come down to what works for you. I'm a little younger than you (I'm 27) and have a week old little one. It was the same for us that something always seemed to come up that made me put things off a little - I lost some weight and wanted to keep my body for a while (I know that sounds silly!) - then we bought our house last July and we thought it'd be best to wait a while again to give us some time just for ourselves.

Then in September I found out I was pregnant (not-quite-planned, obviously! ). For us it has worked out fine. I know that financially the next few months are going to be tough, but it will be worth it.

Personally I'd say start now. I started trying at 32 and am now nearly 37, still trying, three IVFs and one miscarriage later. It is such a personal thing though, there'll be women out there the same age who got pregnant on the first month.

Personally I'd say start now. I started trying at 32 and am now nearly 37, still trying, three IVFs and one miscarriage later. It is such a personal thing though, there'll be women out there the same age who got pregnant on the first month.

It's 89% achieving pg within a year up to 35, and only 82% age 35-39 (based on NICE, using combination of historic figures and a study in 2004), and that's not so different from older figures alone.

There is also, sadly, a rise in miscarriage rates and in chromosomal anomalies.

So if you think you're in stable enough circumstances, then I'd say go for it.

If however you have a definite (timed) plan for eliminating your debt in under two years, getting your finances in order is of course a good thing. Your fertility is declining, not going off a cliff, so a year of financial consolidation, then TTC+pg lasting a minimum of 9 months and quite possibly more, would see you there.

As someone who lost their fertility at a young age I'd say don't wait around. You never know what's round the corner.

DH and I were in the same position.

We decided the situation wasn't perfect, but there was always going to be 'something else'

You never know how long it will take to conceive. Don't leave it too late! Personally, I'd stop waiting and start going for it!

I started trying at 34, we needed IVF in the end.

Whether or not I would always have needed it is debatable. IVF success rates on average are better the younger you are.

I guess it does depend on how you would feel if it didn't happen for you at all?

My view is swayed by the fact that I started TTC at 32 and had my first baby a month before my 43rd birthday and my second at 45, so I am always going to think the sooner you start the better.

I guess it does depend on how you would feel if it didn't happen for you at all?

^^ this really. Although I thought it would take so long to conceive I ended up having my Dd a little earlier than I might have planned IYSWIM. It was a very pleasant surprise though and wouldn't change a thing (obviously).

I don't think you should base your decision on practicalities- there's never a right time (unless you're a millionaire obv)

But if you don't actually want one right now, then of course it's fine to wait. Kids are not the be-all-and-end-all. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I don't believe there is ever a perfect time to TTC. It is when you feel ready in your body but never when all the stars align. Also it can take six months or six years to fall pregnant but best to start now.

Could it be that one or both of you has cold feet about having a baby? If it is the case it is a whole new conversation to be had with your partner.

I too think there's never a perfect time. Took me and my husband 4 years to concieve and I'm so glad that we started trying when I was 25. They could never find a problem with either of us its just one of those things. I suppose you need to think how you would feel if it ended up taking you a while?

Our little boy is now 15 months and brings me so much joy every day :) x

The widespread belief that fertility drops off significantly after 30 is based on outdated statistics from the 18th century.

Can I suggest you have a look at this and this before making comments like this?

OP, I strongly suggest you get your AMH (ovarian reserve) tested. This is a simple blood test that will set you back around £100 and will give you valuable info about your individual 'biological clock'

Lots of food for thought, thank you.

I thought about some basic fertility testing and looked at the Zita West one but it says 'An AMH test does not give an indication of whether or not a woman is ovulating or whether her tubes are patent (i.e. open) or of the quality of the eggs.' So I'm not sure what the point is...?

An AMH test will give you some idea of how many eggs you have left but not if their quality. It's not a perfect test either and is best done in combination with other tests (such as a progesterone test to see if you are ovulating or an FSH test to look at whether the hormone level for stimulating eggs is at the right level ). Other more invasive tests are unlikely to be done on the NHS unless a problem is indicated but you might be able to pay for them privately.

With respect, Zita West is not a doctor, and frankly talks a load of pseudo-science bollocks.

AMH is a longitudinal indicator, i.e. it will give you an idea of how long you are likely to remain fertile. This seems to be the question you are asking, so it would be a good idea IMO to have the test done.

Don't get me wrong, AMH is not going to answer all the questions there are surrounding your fertility, but it will answer what is probably the biggest and most pressing one so well worth doing (and is very simple and quick to check).

This is really useful info re ovarian reserve and why it is so important

Worriedmum makes a good point too about AMH not being a good indicator of egg quality - lots of women, esp those with PCOS can have a very high AMH, but poor quality eggs.

As I say, it is far from perfect, but there is a high correlation between AMH and fertility (well, success at IVF at any rate)

There isn't a perfect time. I was 33 when I became pregnant with my first. We were renting, and bought a house after he was born. Had my second aged 36. We conceived easily and quickly despite age.

How any DC would you like? It's something to consider if you're thinking of waiting.

I was in a very similar position to you, also 33! I used to think I would wait for the perfect time to TTC and roll my eyes when well-paid people I knew who were parents said "oh, but there's never a good time, you always want to be better off than you are".

I am due our first DC in the summer after 7 mth TTC. We decided to go for it once we got married even though we still didn't feel financially ready.

What I would advise though, is to check our your job's maternity policy, work out how long you can take off within your current expenditure levels, then - if you want to take the full 52 weeks off - calculate the shortfall and save this amount plus an extra £1k for a rainy day. Once you have a nice little fund going, then start TTC. It made me feel so much more secure having started to save for my maternity fund when TTC. I now know I can take a full year off without stressing about it.

Remember, people the world over get pregnant without knowing where their next meal will come from, during extreme war, poverty and through tough economic times. You may be comparing yourselves to your peers in terms of how comfortable you are, but in comparison to the rest of the world, you are probably in the top 5-10%. All your children really need is the basics - food, shelter, warmth, water and above all, LOVE.

I say go for it if you feel emotionally ready to have children.