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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really sad BIL eloped?

51 replies

Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 21:21

I know I probably am.

DH is one of three, I like both my BILs very much. Eldest ones is in a long term relationship with someone who has made it very clear they don't wish to marry or have children which is entirely their choice. Youngest was married very young and divorced very soon after, this was before DH and I met. Has been in a relationship with a really lovely girl for several years, they live some distance away so we see him seldomly, and her less so as they both have very demanding jobs, which is a shame but just how life goes - I love seeing them when we get the chance though and he's brilliant with our children.

They have returned from holiday and announced they married whilst away. I'm sure they had good reasons for doing it this way and it is entirely their choice, but I can't help but feel sad and a bit cheated that we didn't get to share their special day - I am so happy BIL has found someone lovely after being treated badly by his ex wife and I'm pleased for them, but still - I'm sad.

Also a teeny bit jealous that new SIL sidestepped having to have MILs horrendous family at her wedding whilst I took the full hit of crazy...

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 24/05/2015 21:24

It is a shame not to be able to celebrate with people close to you something so special, so YANBU to feel sad. But they have had the wedding they wanted, so YWBU to say anything other than congratulations.

Pseudo341 · 24/05/2015 21:27

Understandable to be a bit disappointed but as you say you can understand their decision.

Why not invite them over for dinner so you can toast their marriage and celebrate quietly together without the scary extended family around.

Cornettoninja · 24/05/2015 21:28

Yanbu to feel that way, although ywbu to say anything I think.

Show a bit of happiness for them and I'll bet they'll be more than happy to celebrate with you.

Custardcream14 · 24/05/2015 21:29

Tbh I think you are, it's their day.

You can still celebrate with them now.

GrrrrrBear · 24/05/2015 21:30

sorry but I think you are being unreasonable - but I think you knew that Wink

Send them a card and invite them out for a meal to celebrate.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 21:30

Would never say anything other than very effusive congratulations, I'm not a dick. Planning to search for a really nice gift to celebrate their marriage, hopefully they can visit over the summer and we can take them out for dinner.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/05/2015 21:31

Yanbu for feeling like that but you have to keep it under wraps.

geekaMaxima · 24/05/2015 21:39

YABU. Maybe they hate weddings? Maybe they're broke and wanted to spend their money on a holiday for themselves rather than a party for other people?

Please don't project your own (valid) love of weddings on their (equally valid) choice to elope. Marriage doesn't have to be marked by a big public wedding.

WalterMittyish · 24/05/2015 21:44

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable.

Every couple is entitled to have their wedding their way. For some that's 300 guests and a dress like a meringue. For others it's just the two of them doing it privately. They did it the way that was meaningful to them.

LokiBear · 24/05/2015 21:44

Yabu. However, in your shoes I would feel sad too. I love weddings and I'd be gutted to miss a family members.

esiotrot2015 · 24/05/2015 21:45

I think it's fine to feel sad
And lovely of you to take them out for a meal & buy them a present
You sound lovely & a great sister in law

Angria · 24/05/2015 21:46

Did you consider going off on your own or did you want the bigger event that had to incorporated horrendous in-laws ?

Bigger weddings usually mean bigger headaches. I'm sure you still had a lovely day.

sadwidow28 · 24/05/2015 21:46

YABU But I understand your sadness.

Friends of my DH got married in UK but no friends or family. We often met up for parties so we did a 'surprise party' for them. We bought the cake and cava and had someone to make a toast. A great evening - understated but welcomed by rhe newly weds.

pinkje · 24/05/2015 21:48

Maybe he was a little embarrassed that it would be his second wedding and he'd had all the guests (and presents) first time round.

wildfig · 24/05/2015 21:50

... or maybe there's a clue in your final sentence? Maybe BIL saw what happened last time and decided to take decisive action.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 21:56

I suspect the defensive action was all SILs and I can't say I blame her! She and I had a conversation at my wedding that basically involved both of us staring wide-eyed at mad behaviour and going "oh my god, who ARE these people??".

If I had my time over I'd have not invited said people, I'd still have the big wedding though, that was my thing, and a secret wedding just for them was clearly their thing and they have every right to have the exact wedding they wanted, it just doesn't stop me feeling sad! It's just because I like SIL a lot - she's very grounded - and I love BIL, I'd have loved to share it.

OP posts:
HarpyBeard · 24/05/2015 22:01

YABU, but you know it, OP. The way you elaborate on how one BIL won't be getting married, and the other had married and divorced before you met your DH, makes it sound as if BIL no 2 owed you a day out with a big hat, when you know that's deeply unreasonable. And why the melodramatic language? Your BIL and his partner didn't 'elope', with all that implies of haste and implicit shadiness, they just chose to get married by themselves while on holiday, and told you as soon as they got home.

HarpyBeard · 24/05/2015 22:04

X-post, OP.

CrystalMcPistol · 24/05/2015 22:05

YANBU to feel sad you weren't at the wedding. Refreshing to read that someone is sad to miss an in-law's wedding rather than feeling grumpy about being expected to attend.

Seeing as you live a distance away why don't you invite them to spend the weekend and throw them a party?

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 22:05

I've never worn a hat in my life, Harpy. I don't feel I'm 'owed' anything, but weddings, as in the ceremony of marriage, rather than the big party, are special, and something i feel honoured to share when people are important to me.

'Eloped' was his description. I'll let him think you know it's shady and illicit.

OP posts:
CactusAnnie · 24/05/2015 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canyouforgiveher · 24/05/2015 22:06

why don't you throw them a party or a dinner so you can celebrate with them?

crustsaway · 24/05/2015 22:07

You are feeling sad for you and yours. He is entitled to go off and marry any way he wishes though. Im inclined to want to do this instead of having enough pressure that your head would explode.

ollieplimsoles · 24/05/2015 22:15

I do not blame them at all, we were hoping for a tiny ceremony and then off to our honeymoon.
We just didn't like the idea of a wedding and just wanted to run away together.
It was probably a big decision for them to make and not an easy one as they knew some people might be disappointed.

In the end our day was completely taken over by what our family wanted.

RedToothBrush · 24/05/2015 22:16

YABU. Its not about a day. Its about a lifelong commitment to another person. Its a very personal and in a lot of respects, private thing, even though the 'done thing' is to share it with other people. The trouble is, that when you do share it, it often starts to miss the point of the day and becomes a circus about dresses, flowers, meals, family dramas etc and not the promise. Its not just an excuse to have a party to everyone.

Your comments about your MIL are particularly horrible. Its YOUR choice whether you want to deal with your MIL, that doesn't mean that the rest of the family have to do the same.

My MIL to this day still says that she doesn't 'feel like we are married' because we eloped. It pisses me off and doesn't exactly make me feel welcome in the family. However it does affirm our decision to fuck off and do it on our own because it was about US and not her. She took over DH's sister's wedding to the point that she invited her own friends; friends that her daughter had never met. It was completely about making a 'show' and impressing others. I found it ghastly and really quite crass.

Whilst we might have liked some family and friends at our wedding, we thought it was an all or nothing thing. If you exclude some, you are better to just go the whole hog and go it alone for diplomatic reasons. It wasn't personal to people we are close to.

We are fortunate in that those close to us, understand this and understand that neither DH or I really much like being the centre of attention and have come to do everything possible to avoid a family drama.

Be happy about two people falling in love. Don't be a selfish twat and go on about how YOU weren't there and YOU don't think its fair that SIL didn't have to deal with your MIL. Because its not about YOU.