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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really sad BIL eloped?

51 replies

Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 21:21

I know I probably am.

DH is one of three, I like both my BILs very much. Eldest ones is in a long term relationship with someone who has made it very clear they don't wish to marry or have children which is entirely their choice. Youngest was married very young and divorced very soon after, this was before DH and I met. Has been in a relationship with a really lovely girl for several years, they live some distance away so we see him seldomly, and her less so as they both have very demanding jobs, which is a shame but just how life goes - I love seeing them when we get the chance though and he's brilliant with our children.

They have returned from holiday and announced they married whilst away. I'm sure they had good reasons for doing it this way and it is entirely their choice, but I can't help but feel sad and a bit cheated that we didn't get to share their special day - I am so happy BIL has found someone lovely after being treated badly by his ex wife and I'm pleased for them, but still - I'm sad.

Also a teeny bit jealous that new SIL sidestepped having to have MILs horrendous family at her wedding whilst I took the full hit of crazy...

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 24/05/2015 22:28

Wow RedToothBrush projecting much Hmm

OP YANBU to feel disappointed, they are your feelings after all. You would BU to say anything but as you've already said you won't be then there's no problem.

I do like the idea of inviting them for a weekend and celebrating with them then.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 24/05/2015 22:28

Wow RedToothBrush projecting much Hmm

OP YANBU to feel disappointed, they are your feelings after all. You would BU to say anything but as you've already said you won't be then there's no problem.

I do like the idea of inviting them for a weekend and celebrating with them then.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 24/05/2015 22:29

Oops, sorry for double post Blush

manchestermummy · 24/05/2015 22:35

YABU.

I know several people who have eloped and I am jealous of all of them. Why? Our wedding was stress from start to finish, noone gave a flying fig about us at any stage, my parents threatened to disown me for ludicrous reasons such as sending out invitations before they wanted to, FIL acted like a complete tosspot on the day etc. etc.

I am still resentful tbh. We plan to renew our vows not because we need to, but so we can have the wedding we bloody want!

TheChandler · 24/05/2015 22:41

YABU. I suspect your BIL is using "eloped" ironically, with a sense of humour as its not a traditional eloping. He probably wanted to avoid a fuss, expense and maintain privacy, which you should respect. As its not really about you, but them. How big a deal is it - if they live quite far away and presumably have separate friends and things to do, surely you have too not for missing a wedding being such a big deal in your social calendar?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 24/05/2015 22:49

Men. We'd have gone to Vegas if it hadn't been for dh's gran. None of her grandchildren were married as as it turned out ours was the only wedding she went to.
So I wouldn't judge someone for 'eloping' but I would want a party Grin

Nolim · 24/05/2015 22:56

Yabu. Eloping is a perfectly acceptable way to get married. It seems they made the right call.

nauticant · 24/05/2015 23:07

YABU and seem to be a bit of a fan of passive aggressive language.

Next time if other people make choices you wish you'd chosen, be pleased for them and not think how you've lost out.

Kaekae · 24/05/2015 23:13

YABU. We eloped...it was our wedding and it was about US! You may be disappointed but I think you should just be happy for them.

Whiteshirt · 24/05/2015 23:20

Yabu. I agree with whichever pp said your BIL probably used the word 'eloped' ironically, as it was hardly sneaking off to Gretna Green. What is it exactly that makes you feel 'cheated' that they chose to marry without you there, if you are also insisting they didn't 'owe' you an invitation? Cheated of what?

It sounds to me as if they didn't want some family members - the awful ones you mention - present and decided this was the only way to avoid it. Or would you have understood if they decided only to invite the bride and groom's parents, and no other guests? Or had a friends-only wedding, with no family, as friends of ours did?

At least they told you immediately they had married. We got married with just two strangers as witnesses and didn't tell anyone for the best part of a year.

Fatmomma99 · 24/05/2015 23:23

Welsh, your life is incredible, but the clue's in the last sentence - for you it's more about your jealousy, isn't it?

And I thought that before I clocked your name on the post.

Once I realized it was you who posted, it was OBVIOUS why they eloped. . . You and I both know they'd have brought Cuntydog AND insisted he officiate at the wedding (no mere pageboy status for that mutt!)

RedToothBrush, you are free to start a topic on any issue you care to raise, but please don't so rudely take over someone else's and flame them for your issue. FYI, OP is awesome. Just so you know. Please give her some respect. (not that you'd need or want someone to fight your battles for you, Welsh, but I've seen enough of your posts to feel very fond of you)

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 23:26

Bless you fatmomma.

Yes, I think cuntydog would have had to be ringbearer. Nobody wants their wedding overshadowed by a dog.

I have calmed down now and am excitedly browsing custom paper cut art. I love buying wedding presents.

OP posts:
fredfredgeorgejnr · 24/05/2015 23:27

YABU, as you know... and I don't really get the assertion that you can buy them a gift and take them out to dinner to celebrate - don't do that unless you know they'd be happy. Some people don't want others to celebrate their wedding, they see it as a private thing, eloping is the way to keep it that way. You trying to buy into their celebrating won't necessarily be appreciated.

Of course, they may love a gift and a celebration with you, it was another reason they went away, but don't assume, and don't make it about you celebrating their thing. If you want to celebrate a marriage, why not celebrate your own?

CactusAnnie · 24/05/2015 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 24/05/2015 23:36

I know exactly how you feel. Attending a wedding where you feel the couple is REALLY well-suited is such a happy, romantic, joyous thing to do, I can understand why you're a bit gutted!

I know it's their choice, etc, but YANBU to be feeling a tiny bit deflated.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 23:41

I think that's pretty much it, whatsgoingon. I've been thinking about it and there really are lots of reasons I can think of why they wouldn't have wanted a 'traditional' big wedding, plus they love travelling together so getting g married on one of their adventures is perfect, really, and the more I think on that the less I feel deflated and the more I realise part of them being the perfect couple is getting married their perfect way, so I am not going to mope any more but celebrate the fact that SIL is now officially my lovely SIL. And buy them a present. They don't get off that lightly.

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 24/05/2015 23:54

And THAT is why I love you, Welsh. I feel a bit guilty for diss-ing you in a thread you've never seen (and never will) now.

redgoat · 24/05/2015 23:56

YANBU at all in your feelings. My uncle (Dad's brother) got married abroad and my Mum (behind closed doors) was devastated as she loved him and his new wife to bits and was so sad not to be able to be a part of their day. To my mum, a wedding was also solemnising their love in front of God (my Mum had a strong faith) and family. Many other family members were also upset and they did say that family were welcome to attend but there was no way my parents could afford to go to the island on their own, let alone with us.

Anyway, that was 27 years ago and my uncle has never ever known just how upset my mum was. But she was so, as others have said YANBU to feel like that, but YWBU to say anything. Smile

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 24/05/2015 23:56

I'm so intrigued. You're going to have to elaborate!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 25/05/2015 09:09

Maybe projecting. But why is that bad for this question? It IS relevant.

RedToothBrush · 25/05/2015 09:12

The OP's attitude is probably why the BIL eloped...

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 25/05/2015 09:18

YANBU to feel sad. It's a special thing to get married. To miss a close friend/relatives day is sad. You have made it clear that you are pleased for them and are going to celebrate. Having read your posts it seems clear to me that you understand why they did it and aren't holding it against them.

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 25/05/2015 09:32

MY attitude?

ODFOD.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 25/05/2015 09:45

RedToothBrush
The OP's attitude is probably why the BIL eloped...

Bullshit. I've read other threads from the OP and certainly it isn't her attitude behind this.

The OP is clearly happy for her BIl and SIL, and clearly totally gets why they've done it this way. It's also clear she wanted to share their day simply because she cares.

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 09:46

Oh, RedToothBrush, you are a charmer