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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be invited

50 replies

DDDDDora · 23/05/2015 21:39

to anything!
I have no friends and am really down at the moment.
I don't know how to make friends, I chat at the school gate with other parents but I am never asked to things like coffee mornings or parents meeting for lunch/dinner, I can't invite myself along as I always find out about them afterwards.
How can I get myself an invite or should I just accept that I just don't fit in?

OP posts:
GertyD · 23/05/2015 21:43

Me too. Other mums avoid me like the plague. They invite my DH though Hmm Confused.

Screw them. School mums are just like school girls. Cliquey, snidey and move in impenetrable packs.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2015 21:45

Do you have time to volunteer for the PTA or something?

Moving away from school, is there a hobby that you're interested in taking up?

That might be a better way to make friends.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/05/2015 21:46

Start organising coffee mornings, play dates, picnics in the park and things yourself - and invite other people to them, perhaps?

Justusemyname · 23/05/2015 21:46

Could you invite them?

MagicMojito · 23/05/2015 21:48

Yabu. Other people are generally quite horrible and tend to complicate life too much. You are best staying as you are!

They are probably dicks anyway Smile

GertyD · 23/05/2015 21:48

Oh and YANBU to want to be invited but I think that you do have to source like minded folk to be friends with (maybe a hobby group or something), and just keep on inviting people for drinks/coffee/meet ups etc until they say yes, and be prepared that you then may not like the ones who accept sometimes. Making friends is similar to dating in that respect.

wooldonor · 23/05/2015 21:48

Is there one of the mums you could invite round for a coffee or go to a local coffee shop near the school or maybe 2 mums if you'd feel awkward with 1.

Do you walk to school, could you meet up with other mums on the way?

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2015 21:49

School mums are just like school girls. Cliquey, snidey and move in impenetrable packs.

But you're a school Mum yourself GertyD?? Confused

RusticBlush · 23/05/2015 21:54

I honestly think its a case of people just not wanting the hassle of being 'hosts'.
I have a good variation of friends - mostly longtime ones but its always me who does the arranging and the hosting - I used to get pipped but I realised that its not personal and most of them just aren't into the whole 'social' thing whereas I love/thrive on it (when I'm in the mood)
Everyones different - try doing the asking, they might be overjoyed that they for once have had an invite Smile

ChuffinAda · 23/05/2015 22:04

I feel your pain.

I am in a proper slump right now. I've decided I'm sick of doing all the inviting and chasing then being let down because they've got better offers so for the past few months I've stopped making contact with people (as in being the instigator) to see if anyone will bother to see how I am.

Know how many people have called, text or sent a Facebook message in that time?

None.

I can conclude I therefore have no friends. Not one. I could really use some at the moment too!

Never mind.

DancingDinosaur · 23/05/2015 22:08

Host something yourself. Find a few people you think you might get on with and invite them round for coffee. And start from tgere. You may be pleasantly surprised. It just takes a little courage to make the first step. I always found it was easier to make friends after having children. Other mums (not all, but plenty) want to make friends with others in a similar situation.

JustADevilWoman · 23/05/2015 22:09

I feel similar and my conclusion after much thinking about it is that I am never the one doing the inviting. Other people feel confident/ apply enough to be the instigators and I don't. And why should others be the ones doing all the inviting? So, unless I am going to start inviting people to do things with me, then why should u expect them to invite me along?

Lweji · 23/05/2015 22:09

Another one suggesting you invite people. Start on one person at a time for coffee.
Offer to work with the PTA?

But I wouldn't depend on school mums/parents. You could find an activity where you can meet people. Can you go a gym, volunteering?

JustADevilWoman · 23/05/2015 22:10

happy not apply and I not u!!

DancingDinosaur · 23/05/2015 22:10

When the holidays come up, suggest a big picnic in the park or something. And get peoples phone numbers, organise the time and date and chase them up. Its worth giving it a go.

NinkyNonkers · 23/05/2015 22:12

I have just found it easiest to carry blythly on with my life, being open and friendly to everyone but not pushy. When a certain level of conversation has been reached and I feel that way inclined I may suggest a coffee, playdate or whatever but casually...'I'm off home to put the kettle on, fancy a coffee?' Or, I'm taking A to soft play for a romp this morning if you wanted to come?' type thing? Keeps it light but opens A door. The parents at school are so far very nice, there are some established friendships etc but that is to be expected.

duckwalk · 23/05/2015 22:19

chuffin I'm exactly the same, always me instigating meet-ups and if for any reason I don't then no-one else bothers to. Think it may just be human nature...people like to be invited! I personally find it a bit stressful doing the organising as I can never please everyone with dates/places!

LapsedTwentysomething · 23/05/2015 22:23

Do you work, OP? I had many of the same issues when DD was tiny and when she started school. In both instances it became a non-issue when I was back at work after two maternity leaves and interacting with people who I had more in common with than my DC's ages.

Original poster
DDDDDora · 23/05/2015 22:28

I have tried inviting, I asked about 8 people to come along to my house one morning straight after the morning school run, 6 said that they would come so I got some cakes and biscuits in and even reminded them the day before as I'm usually a bit later than everyone else (have to drop DD1 at a different school first).
Two said that they could no longer make it and the other four said they would meet me at my house, they didn't turn up, turns out that all went out to coffee together.
That really knocked my confidence.
DH works different shifts every week so I find hobbies and PTA extremely difficult to commit to as I don't live close to any family so don't have any babysitters.

OP posts:
madreloco · 23/05/2015 22:28

Screw them. School mums are just like school girls. Cliquey, snidey and move in impenetrable packs.

Funny how people with this attitude don't have any friends? Hmm I have a funny feeling its not them with the problem.....

changingnameforthispost · 23/05/2015 22:57

Well those 4 sound rude and not good future friends, but try hard to dust yourself down and have another go. Perhaps 'target' just 1 or 2 other people, and go for a neutral place like a coffee shop. I was once in your shoes and observed a woman who had led an expat life target potential friends with a scatter gun approach. She never knew who she would click with, but kept on being friendly and asking people to meet up. I was shy and nervous but accepted her invites, and years later, although our paths have diverged I am still in touch, but also learned how to make the first move myself.

Anomaly · 23/05/2015 23:04

I don't think people are off meeting for coffee or lunch as much as other people think. I do think being willing to host helps but even then folk are flaky and hard as it is you have to not take it personally.

I've been trying to organise a much more active 'life' and then invited folk along. Look up free events in your area, join a group if you can. See the group as part of your social life not necessarily as leading on into more although if it does that would be nice. See your social life in broader terms. So each week my kids do an activity while I watch and I actively try and chat with the other mums - its efffectively one part of my social life.

Resist the feeling that everyone else has an amazing network of friends who are forever inviting them to stuff. Its just not true. The people I know with the busiest social lives tend to be involved in groups like church. A friend of mine is always out with friends from the brass band she is a member of. People with young kids are busy. I know that between work, kids and house weeks can just fly by.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/05/2015 23:10

I agree with poster who recommends joining PTA.

We had school event today, I was involved in PTA and we also had loads of parent volunteers. It was a great way to get to know other parents.

The parents who were on PTA last year all know each other well now, and those of us who joined this school year and getting to know each other.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2015 23:16

Also with your DH working different shifts, joining the PTA would probably be ideal.

You don't really have to commit to certain hours or dates/times.

They're mostly just grateful for the time anyone can spare.

madreloco · 23/05/2015 23:17

There seem to be a lot of people on here that are bitter/upset/angry at other people not being their friends. Not just this thread, lots of them, really nasty comments about people just because they haven't leapt to be buddies out of the blue. It's a really odd attitude, that people are being mean or rude or unfair if they don't invite perfect strangers along to things just because their children happen to go to the same school.

I don't understand why people think this should be anyway different? Friends are made because you have something in common, organically, accidentally, or because you know the same people, go to the same groups or whatever.

Certainly it seems the absolute worse way to make friends is to call strangers cliquey bitches and so on just because they aren't looking for you to be their new instant best friend!

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