to want to be invited

[DDDDDora]

to anything!
I have no friends and am really down at the moment.
I don't know how to make friends, I chat at the school gate with other parents but I am never asked to things like coffee mornings or parents meeting for lunch/dinner, I can't invite myself along as I always find out about them afterwards.
How can I get myself an invite or should I just accept that I just don't fit in?

Ok I'm going to bite the bullet after half term and ask someone to go to coffee that morning.
I can't commit to the PTA fully by both schools are always asking for people to help out at events so will volunteer where I can.
What kind of clubs do people do? I would need something that I don't have to go to on a weekly basis.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I am having a particularly bad feel sorry for myself day which is why I posted.

I agree madreloco

People who have friendship groups in their kid's schools, are often oddly despised on MN and written off as 'bitches' etc.

I find it quite odd to be honest.

I used to pick my kids up/drop them off and pass the time of day with anyone who happened to be standing near me.

If they gave off the vibe that they weren't up for chatting, that's fair enough and not something worth a second thought imo.

The main thing was that my kids got to school/got picked up.

That's a good idea OP.

Give your phone number to whoever runs the PTA and tell them you'd love to get involved, but it will actually depend on what shift your DH is on at any given time.

I'm sure they'll be grateful.

Actually I've just thought, they might need help with admin work or something else that you could do from home.

Madreloco thank you for your comments they have been extremely useful.
I started this thread as I am lonely and have received some useful advice as to how to remedy that, I can only apologise if this thread had offended you.

It hasn't offended me. I'm trying to help you, and to point out that some of the people responding to you are not at all helpful, because they have such an odd attitude to making friends.

I think you might have taken madrelco the wrong way OP.

I think she's referring to some of the comments on this thread and many others in the past, that tend to slag off people who are friendly with each other at school.

The post I copied in bold upthread, is a perfect example.

I've joined a running group. Its weekly but you go when you can it doesn't matter if you miss a week or if you're just starting to get running. I might make a friend but just going to the group is a chance to socialise. I used to go to a tap class which was great fun sadly the teacher got a job abroad so it folded.

What are you interested in?

My mum and sister both found choirs good fun and friendly.

I think the attitudes are due to their life experiences. Please don't be mean to these ladies, you have no idea what they have been through and why they feel so negatively towards making friends and actually you may have impacted negatively on their emotions.

Ladies who feel negatively please give other people a chance, because one day you will find that your experience won't always be repeated.

What both camps have to remember is friendships are based on Individual differences - personality, motivation, intelligence, ability, IQ, interests, values, self-concept, self-efficacy, and self-esteem.

Just because your child goes to a school, or a social club does not mean that you will share any of the above with the parents of their peers.

Lots of people are very shy, they may come across as confident or aloof but aren't and maybe those of us who have a circle of friends should be the ones to offer the hand of friendship.

So the lady who may seem like you have nothing in common with may be the person you end up closest too.

There are two lessons here, people in the same boat as OP, need to be more confident be proactive.

The people who have a circle of friends need to be more inclusive.

OP, Good Luck, I hope that you make some new friends very soon.

I have taken the tack, due to life experience, that people don't want to know me so I keep myself to myself as a form of self protection. I don't see these groups as bitches or nasty, just self involved.

I've caved several times and gone all out to be the hospitable cheery host but when I've needed people to reciprocate or simply ring me and say 'hey not heard from you in ages how are you?' its never once been forthcoming.

It's all very well everyone telling the OP to get involved and invite people out

Sorry phone went on the blink!

It's all very well you telling her to go out and make friends and be open, but the reality is some people get treated like crap by others and do have to go into self preservation mode.

Is there a local mums fb group u can join? Ds isnt at school yet but ive met loads of people that way

I feel your pain, DDDDDora, and (by accident) I may be one of the mums that you aspire to. So here's my history:

I was NEVER a popular girl. All through school (different schools cos we moved), I was NEVER the cool kid, and sometimes I was the kid it was socially acceptable to despise. So please don't go thinking I'm some kind of super-confident uber mum (although, I do now have posts on S*B, so I have moved on, but that's a different thread!)

When our DD (and we only have the one) started at primary school, within the first few weeks posters went up around school advertising for the PTA meeting. So, because we wanted to support our DD through school, we booked a babysitter and we both went (we laugh now at how earnest we were!). As we walked up to the classroom where the meeting was, we could see all these chairs laid out and an empty room, and my DH was hissing at me "don't volunteer for ANYTHING" and then they opened the wine....
Well, we got slaughtered! Volunteered for EVERYTHING.

I'm SO glad we did. Helping at events gives you a 'role'. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable to rock up at an event (ok, it was the valentine cake bake!) without a friend in tow, not knowing who would be there, but knowing it would be ok.

So, JOIN the PTA. You don't have to commit yourself to anything you can't deliver. They will be grateful for anything. School will appreciate you. You will have a role (i.e. a reason for being there) and you will be 'busy' (selling sweets or picking up litter, no matter...you will find you belong) And you will get to know other parents. And insecure people will appreciate you.

The incident with the 4 mums ending up at a coffee shop sounds like confused people worrying and ending up bonding together. THEY sound insecure to me. It's not a slight.

The other thing is to suss out the children your DC like and start inviting them (individually) back for playdates. If the kids like them, then they will come back. When parent comes for pick up, offer them a cup of tea. Say things like "you have to watch this" (their interaction).

Like I said, I was never a popular girl. My child is, and by extension, I'm a popular parent. It happens by accident.

Good luck!

I tend to think when you're back in the playground. ...you're back in the play ground! As others have said it takes time to build friendships and these are usually based on a few common interests....It has taken me a good year to form what I would call proper bonds with 2 or 3 fellow parents by that I mean we socialise outside of school. I'm happy to chat and make small talk with whoever is standing near me in the playground but think it's far more important to have a few genuine friends than many superficial ones.

It's strange when your kids go to senior school though because all the people who seemed so 'important' during the primary school years, become a distant memory.

You find yourself passing them at parents evening and thinking, 'Oh yeah it's so and so, I forgot all about them!'

Weird but true and kind of puts it all into perspective.

Worra has the best idea. Find a club or a group that's into something you like, books, cooking, drinking wine, whatever. These are the places you meet friends. I have very few friends but the handful I have are real mates. School gate friendships are usually very puerile and don't last.

It's also luck.

It also took me over a year to get to the first coffee. Not that I was chasing.

I am often busy, running to work, and I'm an introvert and somewhat detached.

I may be one of those who doesn't really call to ask how you are, mostly because when I have the time to call, I think you'll be busy and don't want to bother you.

But with some people a friendship is easier than with others. We click with some but not everyone.

So, luck in coming across someone that fits you. This is why we should give people a chance and to try and meet as many people as possible.

Agreeing with worra again, my DD is year 7 at high school and I haven't seen or spoken to a single parent from her primary days. It really moves on when they get to 'big school' and you barely see these people from the primary years.

OP I was feeling really really low earlier this year thinking I had very few friends, especially as I have moved around a lot and never had one tight knit group like many people I know do

I used to be friendly with people but kept my distance, I didn't want to be seen to be overly keen or worse, rejected. I think I kind of thought that if we were meant to be friends it would happen, or that people already had friends and didn't need me. I've always suffered from low self confidence and this hugely played a role

However this year I have made far more effort and realised that nobody owed it to me to be my friend or that I wasn't best friends with everyone because everyone disliked me! I've really made the effort to do little things like add someone on facebook, like a photo or write a nice comment. It almost always leads to the act being reciprocated and I think shows I'm pretty open and friendly so more conversations and invites in reality iyswim?

I also realised I was getting a few invites but always declined them out of worry or laziness and now I try and make myself go to things (and actually have a good time!) Equally I'm far more confident to organise something myself. I used to be so afraid of someone saying no and it being embarrassing but these things can always be shrugged off with a "no worries, maybe another time!"

Please don't worry OP, I'm sure you fit in and I hope you can start making friendships

Just before DD started school we moved to a new area - it was only a 20 minute drive from where we previously lived, but it was a rural village with families who have lived here for generations.

As such, many of the school parents had been friends since being in school together themselves - we are talking 20, 30 even 40 years of friendship!

In all honesty, I did feel like an outsider to begin with. Having such a young DS (who was barely months old when DD started school), then being a full-time student - which I still am - meant that I couldn't devote the time necessary to be a fully active member of the PTA. Added to that is DD is entitled to school transport with us living so rurally, so I'm not always at the school gates like some of the parents are.

However, I helped with school/PTA/community events when I could. I invited DD's friends for play dates and I maintained a bright and breezy attitude whenever I was at the school gates. Basically, I went out of my way to be helpful/friendly/approachable.

Now, DD is in Year 3 and I am friends with many of the school parents, and good friends with a few too. Some of us us meet up on Friday afternoons at a local soft play, where the kids can run out their energy and us parents have a chat over a coffee, and we also meet up for coffee when the kids are at school.

I really feel like part of the community now. I have helped many of the parents out when they need it and I can call on quite of them if I'm stuck - things like borrowing a generator when our power was damaged by a storm (said parent came round at 7:30am with the generator on his trailer when he realised we were without power - we didn't even need to ask) and another parent coming to my rescue with jump leads when DS decided to drain our car battery.

Keep trying, I never thought I would feel like such an integrated part of the community when DD was in reception. Now, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else!

What did the 4 say to you the next time they saw you?
I am a billy-no-mates myself so feel your pain!

Madreloco please accept my apologies for some reason I took your comments as a personal attack which it obviously isn't.
I do understand that I will have to make an effort and friends won't just fall into my lap (it would be so much easier if they did).
I will make changes after half term and in the meantime look at local groups.
Whathave they said they had changed their minds and decided to go to a coffee shop instead and each said they thought that the other one had told me, I don't think they ever intended on coming but I don't know that for sure

No problem, best of luck with it.

They sound horrible, DDDDora,who does that?

The PTA won't meet every week as a regular thing. Ours tends to meet up 1-2 per half term at most and a lot of business is conducted via email. I do try to lead the committee into arranging meetings to take place on different weeknights so as to involve as many people as possible, as people have other commitments too.

We do, however, appreciate those people who are willing to help at events on an irregular basis. So, OP, please don't rule your PTA out as a possible source of friends. I would love to see you there if it's ours although as ours is a secondary school I get the feeling it's not likely.

Our PTA is always looking for extra help at events. It is a great way to get chatting to other parents.