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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to be upset with DH

29 replies

butterfliesandbee · 22/05/2015 22:51

I purchased a outfit today for a very special family occasion. It was much more expensive than i have ever spent on clothes but it is beautiful, fits perfect and everyone who has seen it said wow.
Dh came home, I tried it on to show him and his response was somewhat disappointing. Apparently it looks ok but nothing special. I was totally gutted, i had hoped for him to be proud to be with me on the day and for it to be special but his reaction has made me doubt myself, how i look etc.
I assume this is all my issue and it shouldnt matter what he thinks but iy does and i am upset. But AIBU to be upset.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/05/2015 22:54

Err...I dunno. Maybe the outfit is just not to his personal taste? My dh gives good and honest opinions if I ask him. It's the sort of thing he would say.
I can understand your disappointment. I doubt he wanted to hurt you though.

DoJo · 22/05/2015 22:54

Have you noticed that you and he have different tastes in the past? Does he know how much it cost and therefore his reaction isn't based solely on how it looks but also has an element of 'not worth that much money' to it? Personally, I prefer my husband to be honest, but I have never spent more than about £20 on a single item of clothing so I might not be best placed to offer an objective answer?

FriendofBill · 22/05/2015 22:55

does he usually have good taste?

Original poster
butterfliesandbee · 22/05/2015 22:57

I dont think its the cost but i will ask him. Probably will take it back anyway as feel guilty about spending so much. (We can afford it but it so unlike me i feel strange about spending so much more than normal.)

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 22/05/2015 22:58

Is he judging it by the same standard as you, eg: is he marking it on how sexually appealing he personally finds the style (compared to other styles) rather than how appropriate and flattering the outfit is on you for that occasion?

Original poster
butterfliesandbee · 22/05/2015 22:58

He normally has ok taste but think this has upset me as he knew how much it meant to me.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 22/05/2015 23:02

I think it's not really fair to ask someone what they think if you're absolutely set on getting one particular answer.

My DH has no idea about clothes. Maybe yours doesn't understand that you have invested so much of your self image in this outfit.

Original poster
butterfliesandbee · 22/05/2015 23:03

Tbh i have put on weight lately and feel awful for it but no willpower to do anything about it. Things habent been great between us Lately and i habe probably blown this reaction out of all proportion.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/05/2015 23:08

I'm sure he'll be proud to be with you on the day, no matter what you're wearing.

However, that wasn't the question you asked him.

Do you think there's a chance that because you're so close, he feels able to be more honest than the others?

Either way if you love it, you should wear it.

notquitegrownup2 · 22/05/2015 23:16

If you (and other people) have said that it looks fab, and if it makes you feel good about yourself, then wear it and enjoy wearing it for you.

Wait until he's gone out then try it on again, with some killer heels/great jewellery and see how you feel. Or enjoy going shopping again to try on some other stuff before you finally decide.

If things haven't been great between you, were you hoping to wow him, when you tried the outfit on for him? It's understandable that you are disappointed with a luke warm reaction but maybe look at what else you can do for yourselves as a couple, to relax/have fun/talk together, and then decide separately about the outfit, whilst you work on whatever else is going on at home.

Enjoy your special occasion

kslatts · 22/05/2015 23:27

I think YABU, but can understand why you are disappointed. I would expect DH to be honest if I ask him his opinion, I'd be more upset to find out he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

Jackw · 22/05/2015 23:39

Don't take it back. You love it, every one else who has seen it says wow, you can afford it.

This is about something else than your outfit isn't it? Is he being deliberately mean, indifferent, what?

How long have you been married? I'm not sure the being proud to be with me on the day stuff lasts for long, does it, or am I being cynical? However, love and respect for you should ensure that he says nice things and doesn't make you feel unattractive and undervalued and he doesn't seem to be bothered about that.

No, not your issue. Takes two to make a marriage work.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 23/05/2015 00:13

sadly yabu
if you ask someone what they think you must accept their answer

VanitasVanitatum · 23/05/2015 00:17

Has he expressed any kind of opinion about your weight gain? I'm sorry you feel so disappointed but don't just take it back while you still feel raw; the others were probably right and on the day you'll feel a million dollars.

He should have been more tactful and thoughtful, you didn't need to here 'it's ok but not special', that's not constructive or thoughtful feedback, it's just mean.

Original poster
butterfliesandbee · 23/05/2015 00:22

Thanks all. I do realise i have been a bit unreasonable but some of what you have said has really rang home. It takes 2.
we had a discussion last night and agreeded we needed to sit down and talk, come tonight , he has went to bed and not even told me. We currently appear to be not speaking.
According to him i haven't been happy for years but i disagree and told him that yes i have but if he felt that i havent then what has he been doing to change that. The only thing he could come up with was he help me more around the house.
He is great and i do love him but i am more and more feeling that a lot of the issues we have are my fault and i dont like myself very much because of it. Self esteem is at an all time low but outside of our house everyone thinka i am chatty,happy and fun.
not actually sure why i am writing all this, i dont have anyone to talk to and H has went to bed.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 23/05/2015 00:28

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way OP. Why do you think the issues are mostly your fault?
As others have said I think if a relationship isn't going well it's the responsibility of both people to try and improve things. I don't think blaming or saying it's someone's "fault" is very helpful.
Would you consider counselling to talk about how you feel and get some support? For yourself and/or for both of you as a couple?

Lweji · 23/05/2015 00:29

I wondered after your first posts why you were so happy with the outfit and a less than enthusiastic response from your OH caused you to want to return it.

His reactions as of tonight are not encouraging. Does he often stop talking to you without notice?

Is he usually like this with things that you are happy with?

PeppermintCrayon · 23/05/2015 05:20

"According to him i haven't been happy for years but i disagree and told him that yes i have but if he felt that i havent then what has he been doing to change that"

Nothing about this is healthy.

pictish · 23/05/2015 07:39

I'd also like to ask if your dh makes a habit of stopping talking to you and being emotionally unavailable like that?

JeanSeberg · 23/05/2015 07:44

This isn't about the outfit is it. Sounds like there's a lot of other things going on in the relationship.

VelvetRose · 23/05/2015 08:19

It sounds like you are both very unhappy. I'm sorry you feel it's all your fault. What makes you think that?

TapDancingMollusc · 23/05/2015 08:55

Oh dear. It sounds like you're both mis-communicating.

You say "ABC" he hears "XYZ" and replies accordingly. You hear his reply as being "RST" when he said "PQR".

I'm guessing he went to bed because he doesn't know what to say to you. It's not about your dress btw. I hope you can resolve this.

My husband was unexpectedly rushed into hospital yesterday, blue lights the lot and I seriously thought he was going to die. Thankfully he didn't and will be OK in time but it seriously put recent silly rows into context.

diddl · 23/05/2015 09:23

Tbh what he said sounds calculated to hurt.

Unless something looks really awful, it's not hard to say something nice, especially when you can see that the other person likes them.

MrsNextDoor · 23/05/2015 09:26

I don't think the whole "Proud to be with me" thing is healthy.

I hear it a lot though and it smacks of women being made into accessories.

hesterton · 23/05/2015 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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