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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about handouts to DSS?

41 replies

goldwrapped · 22/05/2015 20:45

I have 3 kids, DH has 4. We've been together for 8 years.
His 2nd eldest is 21. He dropped out of his first year at uni, but went back and was just about to finish his 2nd year. 2 weeks ago DH gets a call saying he'd left uni 10 days previously as he wasn't enjoying it. He's gone back to his Mums.
Tonight DH gets a text asking for £100 to cover outstanding debts from his shared digs. He said he's trying to find work (so far he's had 1 interview for wagamamas).
I said DH should offer to pay his debts off direct rather than send him the money direct. We know he smokes far too much weed. I tried to discuss it with DH but he wouldn't - it was difficult as we have a house full. We only hear from him when he needs something.
DSS had a job in a cinema about 3 years ago but he quit as he said he didn't need the money. That's the sum total of his CV.
So DH has sent him the money, and tried to hide the fact that he did.
AIBU for being seriously pissed off?

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 22/05/2015 20:48

Don't think DH sending him the money is teaching him much of a life-lesson, other than his dad always coughs up, so it's a YNBU from me.
Hope you have an opportunity to talk to your DH about it sometime over the weekend. Perhaps your DSS could pay him back in installments?

Because otherwise, what happens next time? And why am I so sure there will be a next time...

Original poster
goldwrapped · 22/05/2015 21:01

Thank you FM.

It's not the first time and it won't be the last. I begrudge supporting his weed habit when we all work so hard - my 2 eldest kids (16 & 17) both have part time jobs & I work 3 days a week alongside studying for my degree, while DSS sits around whining.
I offer to help/speak to him but get accused of being controlling....

OP posts:
youareallbonkers · 22/05/2015 21:27

I wonder whether it would be a different story if it was one of your kids? His children should be more important to him than you.

Inlawsandoutlaws · 22/05/2015 21:34

He needs some tough love! Sounds like his get up and go has gotten up and gone!

Original poster
goldwrapped · 22/05/2015 21:35

That's a whole different ball game ... It's not about the money, it's about the attitude and the long term implications. My kids have learned that if you want something you've earn it. So they would never ask for a handout, they would ask for a loan.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 22/05/2015 21:37

And if they asked for a hand out and not a loan? What would you do?

1Morewineplease · 22/05/2015 21:40

a really tricky situation here but the old adage really does apply here. your partner's son has made his bed and he must now lie in it but I know that that's not going to to help you a jot . Sorry

Aermingers · 22/05/2015 21:42

Give the money to his mum to pay it off.

It sounds like he is a young man with rather a lot of problems. Do you ever feel any concern about him rather than feeling resentful?

BullshitS70 · 22/05/2015 21:44

What a horrible thing to say youareallbonkers

He sounds like hes taking the piss out of you and his dad, OP. Thing is I think all early 20 somethings take the mick if they are allowed to. Its a difficult time as its the change between being looked after by parents to being independent. I don't know about anyone else, but I struggled - I was selfish, but I was young, so I forgive myself (you'll be pleased to hear!)

But he needs a kick up the arse, its not fair on you and your children if you are all working hard and still he thinks he can demand cash and it appears

MMmm, hard chat to have this weekend I think

Original poster
goldwrapped · 22/05/2015 22:13

Thank you BS.
You really have to be in the right mindset to post on here - raising controversy is about being able to take the rough with the smooth I guess. I'm glad I wasn't already depressed!
But I do support, I am concerned, I offer advice, I offer paid work if he wants it. My DH offers guilt ridden cash handouts to fund his sons habit, which he has done for 8 years and will do for the next 18.
I was angry when I first posted, now I'm sad, especially because of the responses here!

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 22/05/2015 22:22

The many "my kids are better than my stepson" comments are very sad, OP.

Original poster
goldwrapped · 22/05/2015 22:35

How should I handle it differently Ted? I'm posting here because I would love advice, help, support. Statements like yours is none of these. It is sad, I am sad. Show me the stepkid rule book please!

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 23/05/2015 10:48

Stop comparing your biological children to your step children, for a start. If the 'handouts' to your stepson are having a noticeable impact on your family finances then you need to discuss it with your husband WITHOUT putting his son down or saying he should be more like your own children. If the handouts aren't really affecting you, then leave it - it's between your husband and his son.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/05/2015 10:52

what others have said - why are you comparing your stepson with your children?
Did you think his children would disappear when they were 18?
Is that what you were secretly hoping for?

NRomanoff · 23/05/2015 11:26

My god some people are harsh.

Op yanbu to not want your dh funding his sons weed habit. But problems like this are very complex. You and you dh need to be on the same page to be able to resolve this. Do you think that will ever happen?

DixieNormas · 23/05/2015 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 23/05/2015 11:47

Some people on here really are bringing their own problems to this situation.

OP, no doubt about it, he should have paid the debt off directly. I can see why you want the proof that the debt has been paid.

Weed is such a big problem now - I hate how it makes some people so unable to live a fulfilled life.

How is your money divided? If you each have a set amount of money free per month then maybe he could use that for things like that?

TedAndLola · 23/05/2015 12:34

Some people on here really are bringing their own problems to this situation.

I don't know if I'm one of the people you're referring to, but it isn't true in my case. I'm not a stepchild, I don't smoke weed, I never needed my parents to support me financially when I left home. I still think it's awful that the OP clearly compares her children to her stepson, unfavourably, and I'd be shocked if he hadn't picked up on it.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/05/2015 12:38

especialy when you think about the stepson's life - let's see when he was 12 his dad had shacked up with a whole different family, the children of which he has (possibly) been compared to unfavourably ever since....

Littlemonstersrule · 23/05/2015 12:48

It's his child so he can send the money if he so wishes. You both parent differently, neither way is more superior than the other.

I do think you are making far too much of it. Given you only work three days a week your DH is obviously supporting you and your children yet you begrudge him helping his own actual children.

It's quite clear from your posts that you see his children as a hinderance and your DH would have to be blind not to notice that. His children's lives were dramatically changed when he split from their mother and there are bound to be emotional issues for the children regardless of their age.

ImperialBlether · 23/05/2015 13:29

No, I was referring this:

Did you think his children would disappear when they were 18?
Is that what you were secretly hoping for?

PtolemysNeedle · 23/05/2015 13:30

I think you need to accept that your step children are not your children, they have two parents already and it's up to them to decide how that handle these situations. It may be frustrating for you, but unless your DH is sending money that you earned, it's not your choice.

You really need to stop comparing your children to his children, and comparing your parenting to his parenting. It's destructive and nothing positive will come from it.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 23/05/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/05/2015 14:48

well that is good for you 3cheekylittlemonkeys, while things are going well, that is very good for you.
But we are talking about a 21 year old student whose parents' income is taken into account for his loan, fees and so on.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 23/05/2015 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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