AIBU about handouts to DSS?

[goldwrapped]

I have 3 kids, DH has 4. We've been together for 8 years.
His 2nd eldest is 21. He dropped out of his first year at uni, but went back and was just about to finish his 2nd year. 2 weeks ago DH gets a call saying he'd left uni 10 days previously as he wasn't enjoying it. He's gone back to his Mums.
Tonight DH gets a text asking for £100 to cover outstanding debts from his shared digs. He said he's trying to find work (so far he's had 1 interview for wagamamas).
I said DH should offer to pay his debts off direct rather than send him the money direct. We know he smokes far too much weed. I tried to discuss it with DH but he wouldn't - it was difficult as we have a house full. We only hear from him when he needs something.
DSS had a job in a cinema about 3 years ago but he quit as he said he didn't need the money. That's the sum total of his CV.
So DH has sent him the money, and tried to hide the fact that he did.
AIBU for being seriously pissed off?

he isnt a student anymore he has quit twice and is a weed smoker her dp should have paid his debts off directly not given him a cash advance a hundred pounds is too round a figure for it to be a debt (to my suspicious mind) and why does he have a debt now it would show up at the end of term?

OK parents should cut off children at the age of 20, and if they are weed smokers then they should be punished.
Fair enough.

My thoughts exactly chicken , a debt for his digs is unlikely to be
a) as little as £100 and
b) as round an amount

It is, however, a perfect amount for a fun weekend!

I'd be suspicious about his reasons for the handout and the likelihood of him ever paying it off.

If you and your DP share finances then it IS absolutely your business how he uses significant amounts of your money. And to the poster who referred to you 'only working 3 days' while also studying and presumably doing the lions share of childcare around all of that, here,

It is hard not to compare parenting styles with someone you share so much else with. When you are constantly making the tough unpopular choices because that is the way to teach your DCs good long term habits, to have a partner who chooses the easy path, which does nobody any favours long term, is frustrating.

If it's any consolation, you can be proud that your DCs will grow up with a responsible attitude to money and work. I don't see why making that comparison with someone who can't hold down a job or a college course because he spends his day as getting wasted is such a bad thing. We all have our shit to deal with, nothing makes this boy any more of a special little flower than anyone else. Your own DCs have also had upheaval in their lives, but they don't use it as an excuse to opt out and get wasted.

Why should the dss get special treatment because his dad "shacked up with a new family"? I hate that phrase also known as moving on. Lots of families break up most kids manage ok without turning to drugs or using ' daddy left me' as an excuse for bad behaviour. Presumably the ops kids parents split at some point and mum had "shacked up" with someone new. Doesn't sound like they are tortured souls

Don't know why people are being so harsh to the op. If we're being brutally honest the step son doesn't sound troubled, he sounds like a lazy sod!!! Tries uni twice and quits two weeks before his first year exams, smokes excessive weed and has had one job ever. Fact is that he's taking the piss royally!

OP - how are the finances done in your house? If you completely share then ultimately you get a say in that £100. If you have an allowance each then let your DH spend his as he wishes. If that £100 eats into your family grocery budget for the week then DH should tell DSS you can't afford it.

Your DH needs to be cruel to be kind and cut off the money, hard as it is.

The problem is your dh not dss. When dh and I married my dc were 13 and 17 and his were 15, 17 and 18. As you can imagine we all had to compromise a bit. We were lucky in that we all lived together.
We gave each of the younger ones a monthly allowance. The other three we supported until they left home but they were expected to get part time jobs for extras beyond food and clothes. They all did this. They all went to university and had loans etc. We lent money in varying amounts for different things but insisted on repayment.
When they left uni those who moved home for a while paid rent ( we saved it for them but they didn't know until they moved out). We never, ever gave handouts to any of them. What about your other step children? Our rule was that they were equal, what one got they all got. They could have money for Christmas and birthdays if they chose but nothing else.
Your dss is being disadvantaged by his father's generosity.

Fwiw we married over 26 years ago and all our children are now married, working, homeowners with dc of their own.

The boy is 19. So presumably the Dad isn't paying maintenance to his mother any more. But he is paying towards housing the OPs children and presumably feeding and clothing them too. Yet this kid is begrudged £100 and has to put up with a step mother who compared him unfavourably to his own children and is getting shirty about a relatively small amount of money.

I feel sorry for him. Sounds like he may well have been made to feel second best and not good enough.

I am soft, I would have paid up if it were my kid.

You haven't said that £100 is a huge burden to you (I know it's still real money). So I would let it go but also talk over with my DH what the strategy was going forward wrt further requests for money.

Yanbu to be annoyed by the whole situation i wouldmt want to bail out a stoner either but i do think its your husbands son and he needs to handle it his own way id be making my feelings heard though

In the city where my DC is a student, letting agents male parents sign a deed of covenant to guarantee to make good any damage or unpaid rent of their student child.Your DP may have no choice.

The boy is 19.

21. And just bailed out of uni, smokes dope and is in need of a fine weekend and lo and behold, daddy came up trumps again. What are the chances?

Exactly the man is 21 get a frigging job.

How did he quit the first year and then manage to do the second year? Do you mean he has done the first year of 2 courses.
Why did he choose to quit right at the end instead of at least sitting the exams and hoping he scrapes 40%.
I guess he has incurred around £25k of debt for nothing! I think borrowing £100 is the least of your DHs worries with this lad.

YANBU. I'd be annoyed in your position too.

Yes, he is your DH's son, not yours. However, unless you manage your finances entirely separately, what he gives to his DS directly impacts on the household income and you should get a say. He also tried to hide it from you, which is not on IMO.

Also, your DSS is now 21 years old. He is an adult who chooses to spend his money on weed, and not on essentials like accommodation. I'd not be bailing him out- or if I did it would be a loan rather than a hand-out.

In addition, he has left university for the 2nd time with nothing to show for it (except presumably some debt). If it were my DS I'd be furious he left again- if he had completed/nearly completed his 2nd year, he only had another year or 2 to go. Surely a degree in something he didn't "love" would be something to use as a stepping stone to where he want to be?

By leaving a second time, I'd say he doesn't look like a great candidate for further education or employment. It's the same as saying it's ok for him not to work until he finds the "ideal job". In the real world, sometimes you just have to knuckle down and get on with things you don't like to get to where you want to be. Sounds about time your DSS learnt that lesson, and the way your DH appears to be acting he is not going to learn anything.