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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he needs to grow a pair?

36 replies

StopColouringInYourSister · 22/05/2015 10:42

Someone at work called in to say she wouldn't be at work because her DH had D&V so she needed to look after their 3yo. (The DH is a stay at home parent). The manager asked her to come in that afternoon after making arrangements but she refused to. She then called to say that she wouldn't be at work the next day either as DC was now unwell and DH was unable to look after DC. We later found out that DH was in fact fine on day 2.

This is about the 4th time so far this year that she has called off work because of DH for one reason or another. It's having a big impact on the rest of the team who are left to try their best to cover.

AIBU to think that this DH needs to grow a pair of balls and get on with parenting like the rest of us do when we feel a bit unwell? Surely one of them can cope at home while the other one is out earning the money?

OP posts:

cathpip · 22/05/2015 10:49

IMO, Yanbu, I would understand if the dc were under two but at three a couple of duvet and DVD days are rather easy.

fortunately · 22/05/2015 10:56

Pretty pathetic from the two of them really.

Don't they have anyone else who could have done the afternoon and the second day (although I can't see why the DH couldn't do the second day)?

She's an enabler.

19lottie82 · 22/05/2015 11:13

I'm guessing all of this is pure speculation? You don't actually KNOW if he is actually ill or capable of taking care of the child, do you?
How did you "find out" her DH was fine on day 2?

I'm not saying he/she isn't pulling a fast one, but you don't know. People do have random frequent bouts of illness you know, it is possible.

CarolPeletier · 22/05/2015 13:20

D&V can be crippling when it is bad. A duvet day is OK if they are both able to but if they are both vomiting lots it may be unsafe (thinking dad stuck on toilet for lengthy time and unable to watch sick child who is vomiting). They are the parents, they know how ill they are, they know the child. Also, mum probably feels incredibly guilty about leaving her sick child... And also guilty about letting the team down on not making it to work...

BertrandRussell · 22/05/2015 13:26

If the genders were reversed, people would be saying that of course the dad should leave work to look after his children if their usual care giver is ill...........

But you are unreasonable for using that hideous expression anyway......

crazykat · 22/05/2015 13:28

It depends how bad the bout of d&v was. I've, just, managed to look after a newborn, 2, 4 and 5 year olds when I've had a d&v bug as dh couldn't get tome off work.

I've also had a bout that was so bad I couldn't safely be left alone never mind being in sole charge of a young child. I was feeling very ill the next day but managed to look after the dcs even though they were ill too, I had no choice as dh was ill by then as well.

It seems a bit much that she needed both days off but she could have been feeling ill as well and didn't want to traipse to work to have to leave again.

fleamadonna · 22/05/2015 13:32

when my household was on lockdown due to norovirus, there would be NO possibility of any of us going into work, even for an afternoon.

dp was physically too weak to even lift ds. he is a joiner so definitely not feeble. also he was mostly in the bog.

your team should be able to manage occasional absences. it's not convenient but it doesn't sound like anyone is exactly having a holiday.

DuelingFanjo · 22/05/2015 13:39

YABU moaning about a work colleague who clearly has childcare issues. Regardless of the size of her husband's balls she still felt she needed to be there to care for her child. Get over it.

Original poster

StopColouringInYourSister · 22/05/2015 16:47

Hmm interesting to get different perspectives. If it was a one off I don't think anyone would mind but it's happened a lot. It's not speculation because she said he had got better after the first day. Also, he tagged himself out and about on Facebook when he was supposedly too unwell to look after DC on the first day. I know that we have no way of knowing how bad it was and have to take their word but it just seems unlikely that he could go out but couldn't do his regular parenting thing.

OP posts:

BettyCatKitten · 22/05/2015 17:22

DP and I have never taken time off work when the other is available to look after dc's. We work opposite shifts (him days me nights) and just get on with it.

Icimoi · 22/05/2015 17:26

If he was out and about, he was certainly fit enough to look after his child - unless of course he was going out for medicine or to the doctor, but it seems unlikely he would put that on Faceberk. Do your employers know about this?

fiveacres · 22/05/2015 17:27

Well, not wishing to project too much but no way would my ex have cared for the children if he was ill.

I didn't work as a result. But of course, we had the (financial) luxury of making this 'decision.'

hamiltoes · 22/05/2015 17:36

Is it just me who really hates "grow a pair" or "man up" what does that even mean nowadays when we're pushing for gender stereotypes to be forgotten

youmakemydreams · 22/05/2015 17:38

I agree it's frustrating when you feel someone is taking the piss but I also agree if the genders had been reversed everyone would say of course Her dh should take the day off if he can to look after the dc.
Dp has only ever had to take time off once when I was ill he took the morning off to get the dc to school and help me until my mum was out of work at lunchtime and able
To take over he then worked from
Home for a few days to be able to do it. I had flu couldn't lift myself off the the pillow for days. We are incredibly lucky we had that option and that my parents are close by as well.

Original poster

StopColouringInYourSister · 22/05/2015 18:14

Sorry I seem to have used an unpopular term - I quite like it but then I also think lots of women have more 'balls' than some men...
My DH and I would never take a day off because the other one was ill, nor have any other colleagues ever done so (except in very extreme cases). I think it's just getting to everyone because it's the same person time after time. One month it was almost every week that she was off on Fridays. The company is very accommodating usually with family commitments etc.
I think I'll leave it at that - first time in ages I've posted and I'm ridiculously worried about being outed - except to say thanks for the different views, definitely helps to get some balance from outside my own family which is very much a "get on with it" type.

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 22/05/2015 18:49

Hmmmm, would prob depend on the individual circumstances. I was mightily pissed off when my colleague went home at 9.30 am last week to look after her DH because he had a headache. FFS.

blueskydrinking79 · 22/05/2015 19:15

OP, I'd like to think I'm a get on with it type but with two young kids and moving to a new county where we have no family or friends my dh has had to frequently take time off to help me. D&V with a newborn and active toddler is horrible. I had a very rough second pregnancy and seem to pick up everything the kids get.

I do feel very embarrassed meeting my dh's work colleagues as I'm fully aware they think I need to grow a pair. Pre kids i always managed to push through.

Maybe your colleague is taking the piss. Maybe her partner has an underlying condition. You just never know what's going on behind closed doors.

Aermingers · 22/05/2015 19:31

Why is this his fault? She sounds like she's unreliable and grabbed the opportunity to have a day off work. Especially if she's doing this regularly.

I don't think just to attack him and say it's his fault is fair. I've asked my DH to stay home and he's said no, he had to go to work. Maybe she needs to grow a pair as well?

trollkonor · 22/05/2015 20:08

Is this a reverse aibu?

How do you know enough details of their lives to judge? I get on well with my colleagues but dont get involed in their lives outside of work, I would have no idea id their partner was well enough or not.. Partners do sometime have to take a day off even if the other parent is a sahm.

Does she take much other time off? A department should be set up to muddle through if they're down a person for a day or two, there's going to be many ocasions during a year when someone from the team cant make it in at short notice?

I dont know if your colleague is taking the piss or not, your team probably cant be sure. What can you do? Let the manager sort it out, it is their job. What can you not do? As a team don't all sit around moaning and winding yourselves into a frenzy. For a start it wont improve anything. At the moment its this person who will be pigeon holed ss the lazy or silly one. If you all bitch it will create a bitchy culture and one day it may be you who is winding them up. I've been a contractor for many years and am constantly amazed at what some team member get themselves all huffy about. Cancer appointments? Oh yes. The wrong bi5 of pap3r put in the wrong tray? Oh yes.

ghostyslovesheep · 22/05/2015 20:11

she didn't take the day off because he was ill - she took it off to look after her child

if the CM had been ill it's the same issue

yabu

ChunkyPickle · 22/05/2015 20:16

YABU - if it's a 24 hour rotovirus or similar, then she will be coming down with it, and you don't want her anywhere near you anyway.

If you're really so stretched that someone taking 4-8 emergency days in 5 months is that dramatic then you have a management problem, not a staff problem.

By all means make it emergency parental leave and don't pay her, but she is legally entitled to time to sort out emergency childcare - and if a child is super-sick/infectious and her partner is also incapacitated, then that is her!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/05/2015 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonkers · 22/05/2015 22:05

I am a sahm and dh has had to take time off to look after kids in the past. If just a cold then fine, I crack on, but sometimes you need help! D&V is miserable, and would render him unable to look after a small one if anything like the vomiting bug we had last year. Also, an ill small child often wants their mother, so sometimes family has to rally together. If it is a repeated thing, then that is a conversation for management.

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 22:10

Kind of on the fence, my partner has once had to call work and say he can't come in because I was ill in bed with a chest infection and was just not coping with our ds. I could barely get out of bed. He also has to take a week off in 2 months because I have a operation and need help with DS then. So I think sometimes it has to be done, especially with d&v, kind of hard to watch a child with that one.

If it has been a good few times, then perhaps they need to find someone who can step in and help oh when he is ill but this is hard at short notice.

VelvetRose · 22/05/2015 22:15

I don't think it's fair to be angry about the situation mentioned in the op. Otoh if she really has been off 4 times this year in similar circumstances I can see why people are getting annoyed.

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