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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have got pregnant one month after starting new job?

65 replies

DimpleHands · 03/05/2015 14:58

I started a new job in January and got pregnant one month later. I am now 12 weeks and DREADING telling my boss.

I know it's not ideal but in my defence I had to leave my old job because of discrimination (they admitted to this and paid up). Also I am 36 and didn't want to take the chance of waiting in case we had problems conceiving. Further, DS1 is 2.5 and didn't want there to be a big age gap between them.

I work in a big City law firm where the partners earn well into the seven figures so no one is really going to be affected - it's not like I work in a tiny company where my absence would have a real impact.

SO, how would you feel if you were my boss? When I tell him, should I be incredibly apologetic or do you think what I have done is fine? Just read a thread where the OP said she wouldn't get pregnant out of respect for a new employer for at least a year and am now feeling really bad!

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 03/05/2015 15:02

presumably they, and you, know the law on this sort of thing - so although it may not be great, what can they do about it?

PippiLicious · 03/05/2015 15:02

This happened to me. And I got pg with dc2 as soon as I went back to work when dc1 was 4 months old.

I'm now (10 years later) the managing partner of the same firm.

Good luck!

sleepybuthappy · 03/05/2015 15:03

I think it's totally fine. Don't be apologetic, you are entitled to have a baby whenever you want. The company should be seeing you as a life long asset when they hire you so as far as they are concerned it shouldn't matter if you get pregnant now, in a year, or in five years.Smile

hamiltoes · 03/05/2015 15:04

Well technically you've done nothing wrong and this shouldn't be a problem.

However, it's quite sad that in the "real world", i've found its unofficially frowned upon.

If you want my honest opinion, I would never intentionally get pregnant after starting a new job. That is, I'd be purposefully trying to prevent it for at least 6months/ 1 year. But if an accident happened and I found myself pregnant, I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt over it!

Stanky · 03/05/2015 15:07

I got pregnant 3 days after starting a new job. It was unfortunate timing, but these things happen. I kept quiet about it at first, but word soon got out as I was always rushing to the loo with morning sickness. They weren't impressed, and tried to get me to leave by persuading me that this was no job for a pregnant woman (it's a very male orientated environment). Her exact words were "We're not allowed to discriminate against you, but we don't have to do you any favours either." Nice. I ended up staying, but I wasn't entitled to maternity pay. I had to claim a maternity allowance. This may have changed, as it was a few years ago. Tell your boss when you feel ready. :) Congratulations and good luck.

Viviennemary · 03/05/2015 15:10

I'd think what a timewaster. Sorry!

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/05/2015 15:25

DO NOT be apologetic.

This is the risk employers take. In theory, having shared parental leave means they run the risk with men as well as women (although sadly I don't think it will be like this in practice).

You could have a career with them for decades after having a few months off.

Like a PP, I got pregnant early into a career, luckily my employers were great about it. I went back after six weeks (long time ago, I sound like Xenia Smile ) and because they treated me, and other parents, so well, the loyalty to the company was amazing. The flexible working and acceptance that employees have family responsibilties reaped benefits for them. I was with them a long time and ended up in senior roles.

Do not feel guilty and do not apologise!

Buttercup27 · 03/05/2015 15:32

I did this! I had my 12 week scan the day before I started my new job. I was the 3rd person in a week to tell the head (I'm a teacher) I was pregnant. I was also covering a maternity leave.
She had a sense of humour about it and warned all other staff not to sit in a certain chair in the staff room!

Stanky · 03/05/2015 15:32

Yes, I am still there btw. Just part time now :)

blendedfamilygrinch · 03/05/2015 15:37

I did this too. Had been ttc for 18 months, job opportunity came along & didn't occur to me at 38 with not great fertility history to stop for a year or more. Got pg 1st month I was there. Yes I did feel a bit like I was taking the piss, but small company so got smp reimbursed, I found maternity cover & came back after 9 months & have been there since.
If the company are arsey about it, they're pretty short-termist imo.

Littlecaf · 03/05/2015 15:50

I got pg the week before I started a new job - I had no idea until about week 5 when I couldn't stand the smell of the train into work, nor could I stand up for more than about 20 mins without being exhausted. Work were great about it - my boss is fairly family orientated. I felt awfully guilty but what could I do? I transferred my public sector service (over 10 years) so was entitled to maternity pay. Only one person in a very large organisation turned their nose up, but she's known for being a bit sour anyway. Good luck!

Andrewofgg · 03/05/2015 15:50

Don't be apologetic, but BE FAIR which means tell them now. Tuesday morning after the holiday. They need to plan for your absence.

If they took you on knowing you had made a discrimination claim that augurs well - it is perfectly easy for an employer not to do that and if challenged to find a good reason why the other candidate was better. And in fact it is possible to find out whether an applicant for a job has applied to a tribunal and leave no trace of having done so (and I'm not going to tell anyone how here of all places!) which a City law firm will probably know about. So you will probable be OK - if you play fair.

Of course, you run the chance of missing out on the big case which would have pointed you out as a rising star, but that's life. That also happens if you are ill at the wrong moment, or unable to take the big case because you are heavily committed to something lower-profile.

Littlecaf · 03/05/2015 15:51

And yes I was dreading telling my boss - I sent him a meeting request just saying I wanted to discuss some issues, I swear he thought I was going go say I was unhappy/leaving etc - so was genuinely please when I said I was pregnant!

Andrewofgg · 03/05/2015 15:57

I remember a young woman who was working to me asking for a meeting somewhere private. And as soon as the door was closed I said

All right, name, when is ETA?

How did you know?

I'm a father and an uncle and you've got a look in your eye, like the cat that's licked the cream - that's how I knew.

I only told her the full story later. She was Muslim. The previous year I had had to move the team dinner to avoid Ramadan - this year she had been nibbling raisins and chocolate surreptitiously hidden in her desk-drawer, and I had noticed!

hestialou · 03/05/2015 15:59

I was a week pregnant when started this job...these things cant be helped.

OldFarticus · 03/05/2015 15:59

I am a law firm partner and would feel pretty exasperated if I were your boss. It's wrong to assume that your departure will have no impact, especially if you are in a fee earning role. Your caseload will have to be picked up by the rest of the team, most of whom will already be overworked (because it's a city law firm!) I understand your reasons, though.

It's done now, so I agree with Andrewofgg you now need to play fair and tell them as quickly as possible so they can plan for your absence.

CointreauVersial · 03/05/2015 16:03

Happened to me too. I found out I was pregnant the day before I started a new job.

In my case, the job turned out to be dreadful; the worst place I have ever worked. I was not entitled to any maternity pay (14 years ago; back then just the basic maternity allowance for 18 weeks), and I knew pretty quickly I wouldn't be returning after the birth. So I kept the pregnancy a secret until I started to show (nearly 6 months gone), then I resigned. It gave me immense satisfaction. I couldn't get out of there quick enough, and if I hadn't been pregnant I would have probably jumped (or been pushed) anyway.

But if you see yourself having a future with the company then, yes, tell them asap, and don't feel bad about it.

Inkanta · 03/05/2015 16:03

Oh heck I know that feeling. Happened to me with my third child. I felt a bit cringy about it although my work (NHS) seemed fine about it.

Andrewofgg · 03/05/2015 16:05

Buttercup27 My office is open-plan and we sit in pods of four. At one stage a few years ago one pod was occupied by three pg women and a father-to-be. And when one of the women left the woman who moved in got teased rotten.

Then there was the team with four women all due the same day. Somebody noticed that it was nine months to the day from a team meeting - which obviously means nothing but nobody was going to let that spoil the joke at the expense of the male team-leader. Any other business, was it, John?

BathtimeFunkster · 03/05/2015 16:14

Definitely don't be all apologetic.

Act as though pregnancy is an entirely natural part of life that needs to be dealt with.

Which it is.

Show no weakness.

Jackieharris · 03/05/2015 16:14

If they are going to be shit to you about mat leave they'll do regardless of how long you've been there.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/05/2015 16:16

Surely you will pass it off as unplanned won't you, rather than deliberate....

Laquila · 03/05/2015 16:22

Would those thinking that the OP's a "timewaster" think the same if she's been there 6 months? A year? Three years? (Not sure of the universally-agreed and time delay for getting pregnant after starting a job...don't know how I missed it)

crapfatbanana · 03/05/2015 16:24

YANBU.

Just tell them, but make no apologies.

CheeseAndBeans · 03/05/2015 16:35

I was pregnant when I interviewed for a job, (I had to find a job quick as temp contract ended abruptly) had to tell them on my first day. Was scared and they obviously weren't very happy but really nothing they could do and congratulated me. The MD's first response was that they didn't have to pay me maternity pay, I claimed MA. I worked hard prior to having baby and although I ended up not going back after having baby there was no bad feelings.
It's part of life, make no apologies for it.