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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU, is he, or is his ex?

26 replies

Piggola · 01/05/2015 20:04

DP and I have been together for 18 months. We live together and have a baby on the way.

He has a child from a previous relationship. He left his ex as she had anger and violence issues. DP and I got together not long after his previous relationship broke down.

For the first 6 months of our relationship she sent him sexual messages, abusive messages, generally unpleasant messages and then moved away with his child.

She has recently returned and yesterday sent him a barrage of messages, firstly saying how sad he had looked the other day, then calling him a fucking bastard after looking at his facebook page and seeing pictures of us.

This really upset me, I have had to bite my tongue up until now but at this point in our lives I feel it needs to stop.

I sent her a message politely asking her not to be abusive to my partner. I recieved a barrage of abuse from her and was told that I had no right to contact her and how dare I.

DP has now mollified her and apologised on my behalf as he is worried she won't let him see his child.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/05/2015 20:06

Yes. You should not have contacted her, it's not your fight. He's not a child and doesn't need you speaking up for him. You're in for a world of shit though having a baby with this shit in the background - better learn to detach for your own sanity. How he handles his ex is up to him.

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 20:06

He needs to fight his own battles.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2015 20:08

Yes, very unreasonable. She sent the messages to him and not you.

You need to ignore it entirely, she's nothing to do with you.

PuntasticUsername · 01/05/2015 20:08

Totally understand where you're coming from, but YABU I'm afraid. It sounds as if she's loving creating all this drama, and you just gave her a bit more to get her teeth into. Let your DP deal with her - as you say, the most important thing is the welfare of the child caught in the middle of this, and if you did anything to give her reason (however spurious, and however well intended on your part) to restrict access, that would be just dreadful.

I would bite your tongue, however difficult that is, unless and until your DP specifically asks you what you think about it all.

TwoOddSocks · 01/05/2015 20:08

I understand your feelings on the matter but the situation sounds volatile enough and it would be very unwise for you to try and involve yourself in it. I can't imagine anything positive coming from you contacting her.

Does he have a formal custody/visitation agreement with her? If not it sounds like he should set one up and make sure he's up to fate with his CS. Beyond that avoid engaging her at all unless it directly involves his DC.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 20:14

Yes, YABU. Did you expect her to reply "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was an issue"? This is his mess to sort, regardless of him jumping into a new relationship with you shortly after he split from her.

Having been in a similar situation myself, my advice to you would be to keep well out of it but try to make absolutely sure you're getting accurate versions of events from your DP.

Original poster

Piggola · 01/05/2015 20:24

I'm just so fed up of her feeling as though she can talk to DP however she pleases and not be allowed to get angry about it or ask her to bloody well stop.

It's as though she still feels she has a right to be abusive, it's awful.

OP posts:

PuntasticUsername · 01/05/2015 20:35

Yes, it must be horrible. You're allowed to get angry - vent to us! - but IRL, it will be much for the best if you keep out of it. I've never been on the step parenting boards here but they might be worth a visit - there'll be people there who have been through the same thing and can share coping strategies.

missusmoo · 01/05/2015 21:11

I'm in a very similar situation to yourself, in fact I read this thinking I was dealing with the same woman. Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think you're being completely unreasonable but these issues should be dealt with sensitively. You haven't stated exactly what you said to her, but stated you were polite, good on you. I know from experience that it's not nice when the past doesn't want to stay in the past and wants to stir the pot. Has he considered changing his Facebook settings so she can't see his posts and go mental?
Whether you like it or not, and whether she likes it or not, you're going to at a point have to have something to do with each other, since your children will be half siblings. You've probably already realised this but she needs to come to terms with this too. Your partner shouldn't have as you put it mollified her when she has acted so unreasonably as it's not really laying great foundations for the future and sending out the message that it's okay to treat his pregnant partner like that. He needs to stand up to her. As long as he is on the birth certificate, he has the right to see his child, contact orders exist for a reason.

PatriciaHolm · 01/05/2015 21:15

Unfortunately all replying to her is going to do is stir the pot, surely? She's now thinking, yes! I got a rise out of her!

Stay out of it. I suspect you don't know the full truth of the relationship breakdown, or what exactly he did or said at the time, and it's not your problem to sort. He doesn't need protecting or defending, let him sort it out.

MangoJuggler · 01/05/2015 21:32

Yes beak out.

Also lock down your facebook accounts. Sensible to do that anyway surely.

shewept · 01/05/2015 21:39

Abu to contact her. She may be a nightmare, but it's for your dp to handle. You haven't helped at all.

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2015 21:41

Yes, he can fight his own battles.

I would be embarrassed if my DH did that.

TedAndLola · 01/05/2015 21:47

I'd be really angry with my husband if he did that to me. You need to learn a lesson from this and stay very much out of their relationship!

Purplepoodle · 01/05/2015 21:49

Not your fight, let DP deal with it and don't use fb or lock it down to close friends only

Original poster

Piggola · 03/05/2015 22:40

It upsets me that she's still trying to maintain a wholly relationship with DP, on which I'm not allowed to dare comment on according to her

OP posts:

Hassled · 03/05/2015 22:44

If they have a child together, they're always going to have some sort of relationship. Hopefully it will calm down into a working, effective, co-parenting relationship - but that's up to them, not you. And yes, that sucks for you and I do realise it's hard but it's the best thing for the child, who is innocent in all of this. Just keep that in mind.

AuntyMag10 · 03/05/2015 22:44

So why is allowing this to happen? Which he is. If she's controlling him because of the child, he can go the legal route. Seems like he's just sitting back and allowing his pregnant partner to fight his battles.

Purplepoodle · 03/05/2015 22:44

But he doesn't want a relationship like that with her so doesn't matter in that regard what she wants. Again, let him deal.with her and do not get involved

DoJo · 03/05/2015 22:51

But all it did was make things worse - your partner ended up apologising to her for your behaviour, pushing them onto the same side rather than achieving whatever your goal was. I'm not sure why you think you can't comment - surely you can talk about it to him as much as you want, but going directly to her (especially behind his back as it sounds like) just adds to the problems and makes it difficult for him to get their relationship to a non-emotional level.

Original poster

Piggola · 03/05/2015 22:54

Thanks everyone. I just worry that she will always be there in the background making a play for DP. Maybe I'm over emotional as pregnant

OP posts:

SorchaN · 03/05/2015 23:05

If she's going to be there in the background (which seems likely as they have a child together) then ideally you want to neutralise her as much as possible. This means no contact between you and her, and minimal contact (except about the child) between her and your partner. He needs to learn how to deal with her without tolerating her abuse, and maybe that's something he needs to work on, with your support.

Starlightbright1 · 03/05/2015 23:13

I can understand your anger however you have made things worse by intervening.

I think he needs to look at how his is handling it. I think you may of made things worse.

She may be there in the background but he doesn't want her...TRust him

VelvetRose · 04/05/2015 09:36

I don't blame you at all for sending that text. What a hideous woman. Unfortunately she's unlikely to change because you intervened but I don't think you were wrong to stand up for him. It must feel horrible that she has their child to manipulate the situation with though. I feel for you both.

Aridane · 04/05/2015 09:38

Yes - YWBU

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