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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I kicked off because DP didn't text me all night

48 replies

StoneBloodyCold · 29/03/2015 16:38

I want to know if I'm an unreasonable woman here.

DP went on a night out last night. I dropped him off at the pub at 3pm where he met his mates. He told me "I won't be late, I'll text you in a bit and I'll bring you takeaway back".

So I get on with my evening. Since we've been together he's never stayed out past midnight and especially as he was starting drinking at 3pm I assumed he'd be ready for home by 11ish, not that if mattered, it's just what was the norm.

So 11pm comes and goes, not heard a thing from him since 3pm. I went to bed. 2am I woke up, he still wasn't home and still no text. I layed awake considering texting him to ask if he was ok but decided against it not wanting to come across as the clingy fiancé. 2.30am he staggers in, with a kebab he'd bought for himself and then collapsed into bed.
Next day I had a go at him, not because he'd come in late but because he's not even bothered to text me from 3pm in the afternoon. Even a simple text to say he was staying out late would have been nice. DP retaliated with "it's the first time I've been out in months, I hardly ever go out and when I do I drink a lot so yeah, I didn't think to text you but I'm a grown man, I don't need to let you know what time I'm staying out till".
Is he right? Do I expect too much?

OP posts:

FoxInSocksWhat · 29/03/2015 16:40

YANBU a text would have been the right thing to do especially as he said himself that he would bring you a takeaway back.

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 29/03/2015 16:40

YANBU because he offered to bring you dinner and you didn't get dinner.

My DH used to use this excuse all the time " i hardly ever go out..." then he realised he was having to use it quite often and it didn't really add up.

Its considerate to let your partner know when you're going to be late home so they don't worry.

Homemadeapplepie · 29/03/2015 16:41

You are expecting what he promised you, he is BU you are not.

ilovesooty · 29/03/2015 16:42

I generally think people can be needy about texting but YANBU. He said he'd text and bring food home then didn't have the courtesy to tell you that he was planning on staying out later.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/03/2015 16:46

I don't know on this one.

On the one hand yes he said he would text and bring food.

But if you'd text when it was getting on a bit you could have just ordered something in.

Much ado about nothing, I think.

Original poster

StoneBloodyCold · 29/03/2015 16:47

See he managed to convince me that I was being unreasonable and high maintenance but I just know I would never have stayed out till 2am without texting him and I would have taken him something back, especially if I'd promised to. It seems that whenever he's with anyone else, he completely forgets that I exist. (Needless to say, I have a catalogue of similar situations with him)

OP posts:

StayGoldPonyBoy · 29/03/2015 16:55

YANBU because he said he would. DH and I have a rule that we either text to say when we'll be back or that we won't be back so don't wait up. If I was expecting a 'coming home' text and never got one, I'd begin to worry a bit. Be even angrier if I missed out on the promised dinner!

We had problems with him doing that sort of thing when he was in his teens because he'd go home and straight to bed, forgetting to text me he got in, and I'd stay up all night thinking he was dead in a ditch! He was 18 though, and apologetic, not a grown man trying to justify it.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 29/03/2015 16:57

Oh christ, how the fuck did people cope before texting

CrohnicallyInflexible · 29/03/2015 17:12

He said he would text you, therefore he should have done and HIBU not you.

meowth · 29/03/2015 17:15

it's not really the texting though, is it? it's the fact that he promised to bring her food back, so she probably didn't have any tea (haven't read fully)
It's the fact that he promised and din't keep to his word. my DP would be well annoyed if I did this.

Comingoutofhibernation · 29/03/2015 17:23

YANBU. It doesn't take much effort to send a quick text to say he's not going to make it back with dinner, and not to wait up. I'd have been worried in your shoes.

MrsEvadneCake · 29/03/2015 17:28

It's not unreasonable to be cross that he didn't say he wasn't bringing take away in. However I would have sent a text around 10pm asking still on for takeaway. It's not clingy to check plans haven't changed. I wouldn't have had a go at him though unless he constantly does it. I'd just have said next time let me know or you'll get your arse handed to you on a plate that time

JacquesHammer · 29/03/2015 17:28

Oh christ, how the fuck did people cope before texting

Not really the point is it. Given he'd said he was bringing her food and would text later it isn't unreasonable to expect a quick one liner to say "going to be out later than planned, please don't wait up"

slightlyconfused85 · 29/03/2015 17:30

Yanbu it's not hard to drop a text and say he will be back late and not to wait up

grobagsforever · 29/03/2015 17:34

YABU to use the phrase 'an unreasonable woman' - your gender is irrelevant and perpetuates the misogynistic nagging wife stereotype.

Other than that YANBU - he did promise food

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 29/03/2015 17:37

I would have been pissed off with him for not bringing home a takeaway like he said he would.

mumofthemonsters808 · 29/03/2015 17:38

I'm with your OH, there really is no need for a grown man to keep checking in with you. JUst leave him to enjoy the company of his friends and forget about him for the night. I could not be arsed to keep clock watching and fearing the worst for his safety. His only crime was agreeing to let you know what time to expect him home and promising to bring home food. Next time leave him to it.

ToysRLuv · 29/03/2015 17:44

I wouldn't care much unless he was generally thoughtless or dismissive, or if I didn't trust him. I often do not even have a phone with me when I go out. DH has, but I don't expect him to text. I trust him to arrive by 4 am ish. After that I would worry (has never happened and will never happen, unless there are exceptional circumstances).

ToysRLuv · 29/03/2015 17:45

Grown people can sort out their own food if it's not forthcoming in time. Mild irritation would be a more appropriate reaction to your scenario, OP..

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/03/2015 17:50

Ynbu. Expecting a text when he said he'd send you one. Nothing worse than looking at phone all day. But here's where you are b.u. He was on a night out. He probably genuinely forgot. dont be too hard on him

DuelingFanjo · 29/03/2015 17:52

My husband stops texting me, usually means he's using cocaine somewhere. I really hate it. 2.30 is not that late really and to be fair I have been out late like that and not sent texts to DH because I have been having a good time.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/03/2015 17:53

I think that I would expect a bit of courtesy from my partner, if they said they would not be out late, and arranged to bring dinner home, then yes I would be cross, although I wouldn't kick off as that just put them on the defensive and then we argue and everyone ends up feeling crap.

I would want to talk about it though, because I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your partner to either let you know the change of plans or keep to their initial plan.

I would not like the behaviour you are receiving now where he is shifting the blame onto you for your behaviour either. You had an expectation that he would be doing one thing, which he himself has said he will do, and he did another and didn't let you know the change of plans. So you aren't upset about nothing, and implying that you are or that you are the one at fault isn't taking responsibility for his actions.

If I did what he did, I would be apologetic at the very least because I would know I let the person I love down, not angry because they were upset, and call them clingy/needy/naggy. I would actually try not to be in that situation in the first place though, if I went out and wanted to stay out later than I had arranged, I call and say so.

whattheseithakasmean · 29/03/2015 17:56

YABU because you didn't text him, he was BU because he didn't text you.

Much ado about nothing.

Iwasbornin1993 · 29/03/2015 17:56

YANBU - I'd expect my OH to text or phone to let me know if plans had changed otherwise I'd worry about him.

EponasWildDaughter · 29/03/2015 18:15

Oh christ, how the fuck did people cope before texting

We made phone calls. There was usually one in the pub/club. Or a phone box outside. I think even back then before mobiles, at some point in the 11 and a half hours between 3pm and 2.30am it would have been possible to make contact with your partner at home. Even easier when you have a phone in your pocket hmm ?

YANBU OP

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