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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I kicked off because DP didn't text me all night

48 replies

StoneBloodyCold · 29/03/2015 16:38

I want to know if I'm an unreasonable woman here.

DP went on a night out last night. I dropped him off at the pub at 3pm where he met his mates. He told me "I won't be late, I'll text you in a bit and I'll bring you takeaway back".

So I get on with my evening. Since we've been together he's never stayed out past midnight and especially as he was starting drinking at 3pm I assumed he'd be ready for home by 11ish, not that if mattered, it's just what was the norm.

So 11pm comes and goes, not heard a thing from him since 3pm. I went to bed. 2am I woke up, he still wasn't home and still no text. I layed awake considering texting him to ask if he was ok but decided against it not wanting to come across as the clingy fiancé. 2.30am he staggers in, with a kebab he'd bought for himself and then collapsed into bed.
Next day I had a go at him, not because he'd come in late but because he's not even bothered to text me from 3pm in the afternoon. Even a simple text to say he was staying out late would have been nice. DP retaliated with "it's the first time I've been out in months, I hardly ever go out and when I do I drink a lot so yeah, I didn't think to text you but I'm a grown man, I don't need to let you know what time I'm staying out till".
Is he right? Do I expect too much?

OP posts:

crazykat · 29/03/2015 19:37

Yanbu. It's not like you asked for a text every half hour and told him to be back by midnight. If dh went out and said he wouldn't be late I'd expect him back by about midnight and start to worry if he wasn't back and hadn't been in touch. I'd also expect him to be annoyed with me if I did the same. We always text each other when we're on our way home or if we've decided to stay out longer than planned so the other doesn't worry.

If he hadn't said he wouldn't be late, would text and bring you a takeaway then it would be different as you wouldn't have been expecting him home early ish and with dinner.

NeedABumChange · 29/03/2015 19:47

YABU to need a text when he'd been gone less than 12hours.

But he was being unreasonable to not deliver on his promise to return with food.

You can't have been together that long of he's never been out past midnight.

justonemoretime2p · 29/03/2015 19:48

He should have texted you but is it really worth arguing over? Can't you just tell him he should have and then if he does it again you can kick off.
He was being unreasonable for not texting you but you are being unreasonable for kicking off.

NickiFury · 29/03/2015 19:52

I may be wrong but I am pretty sure I am not but I think you can look forward to this kind of thing happening more regularly. How long have you been together?

LittleBearPad · 29/03/2015 19:56

I'd be a bit cheesed off, especially about the lack of dinner but it's not too terrible as a one off.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 29/03/2015 20:01

I hate the phrase "high maintenance" it is usually produced to try and excuse unreasonable behaviour.

Micah · 29/03/2015 20:02

My argument is I want a text so I'm not sitting up worried.

If he says he'll be home in a few hours, I expect either him home in a few hours, or a text to say staying out, be more like x'o clock.

I'd point out that anything can happen, it's not that you're going to demand he comes home, just that if he's not home when he says he will be you'll be imagining all sorts of fatal scenarios and wondering when to start phoning hospitals. Or is that just me?

ToysRLuv · 29/03/2015 20:09

I would not be phoning hospitals until later the next day, having tried his mates first, but that's just me..

peggyundercrackers · 29/03/2015 20:15

Yabu - so he said he would text and forgot - no big deal... As for the food thing - would you really sit with nothing to eat until someone came in about midnight drunk?

ChipDip · 29/03/2015 20:22

Yanbu, it's about having the courtesy to let you know he'll be late. When DH or I go out separately we always call/text each other just to check if we're ok or need anything. Surely that's just common courtesy for each other.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 29/03/2015 20:27

Seriously, what a load of fuss over nothing!

Is it really that unusual for someone to be out til 2.30am on a night out? Which, given the clocks changed at 1am, was really 1.30??

Alright, he could have sent you a text, but it really isn't the end of the world.

And of course he's not sat thinking about you when he's out with his mates. Do you think of him when you're having fun with yours? Surely it's not normal to expect to have him think of you 24/7?? And surely you'd get to a point in the evening where you'd just sort your Own dinner!

CaTsMaMmA · 29/03/2015 20:32

next time sort out your own supper, send him a text to say you are off to bed, and you'll see him when he gets in

simples, no aggro, no name calling, no hurt feelings.

DarthVadersTailor · 29/03/2015 20:34

About the food......not unreasonable at all especially if you purposely didn't make anything because you're expecting the takeaway.

As for not texting you, well I see totally where he's coming from as the last thing you want on a day with the lads and having a beer is having the other half on your case. It always baffles me that partners expect so much contact when the other one is out with mates, unless you'd asked him to drop you a message when he's out why should you expect him to do so?

However you didn't seem to be on his case at all, and your attitude to contacting him while out seems more that reasonable so I'd have thought a text/call asking roughly when he'd be home isn't unreasonable at all.

HoggleHoggle · 29/03/2015 20:42

I think it's fair to hope that your oh would let you know if they would be coming back later than normal, esp if they were meant to be coming home with dinner.

Before dc I went out every Friday for a few months after work and for whatever reason had unexpectedly heavy nights. I text dh to let him know I wouldn't be home for dinner and also then more often than not to let him know I wouldn't be making the last train and would be staying with a friend . And I was hammered on all these occasions but still managed a bit of decency towards my dh so he didn't worry or sit there like a lemon until he realised it'd just be him for dinner.

Yanbu.

tulipbulbs · 29/03/2015 20:45

Do you have a concern regarding his drinking? anyone can get carried away with conversation and stay on longer than intended, but, 3pm to very late, is excessive. I remember my childhood scenario with an alcoholic father in the pub and a mother getting more and more frantic about his condition on return. Look at this carefully before you marry him. If the boys and drink are more important than you, this is a red flag. Is this the husband you want? because no man changes for you, you choose what you will accept.

Only1scoop · 29/03/2015 20:48

Yanbu as he said he would bring back a takeaway.

That's what I'd have been annoyed by. Selfish.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/03/2015 21:05

Yanbu
He said he would bring you a takeaway
And he said he wouldnt be late.
Fine. Stay out late. But if plans change (no takeaway, staying out late)
its Just good manners to let the person you live with know.
I wouldnt marry him tbh.
But then I am impulsive a d I dont like having the piss taken out of me.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/03/2015 21:08

needless to say I have a catalogue of similar situations with him
I would so not marry this man.

kittycatz · 29/03/2015 21:26

My BF does this from time to time and it drives me mad. I don't mind if he stays out with his friends longer than planned and I don't mind if he stays at his parents' house instead of coming home (their house is more practically situated for crashing after nights out) but I really do mind when he says he is coming home at 11 pm or so and then he doesn't text to say he is going to stay out longer than planned. It takes a minute to send an sms and it is very reassuring that nothing has happened.
So no, YANBU

noddingninja · 29/03/2015 21:41

YANBU

My DH did this once, didn't come back til 4.30am when I had no idea he would stay out late and wasn't answering his phone (it had run out of charge). It was totally out of character so I got very worried that something bad had happened to him. Maybe my reaction was not rational, but when he did get in and saw my distress he apologised and has never done it again. Its not fair to leave your partner worrying if you change plans when its so easy to send a quick text.

Purplepoodle · 29/03/2015 22:28

I'd be pissed off he didn't bring my tea home lol. Otherwise I know what night outs can be like.

BananaLeaf · 29/03/2015 23:25

Oh this made me sigh because I remember having these arguments with DH, i.e. he would be way later than he said, and not text nor reply to texts. The next day he'd say 'but I hardly ever go out' bla bla bla.
It's not the frequency of going out I'd be questioning!! just the non communication re change of plans!!

LadyGregory · 30/03/2015 00:26

What grobags said.

Also, how old is he, 17? A 12 hour drinking session that begins at 3pm isn't the behaviour of any adult I've recently come across.

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