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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About being woken at 4am?

34 replies

ScathingContempt · 07/02/2015 05:27

19 year old daughter got me out of bed at 4am because she had been out drinking and been unable to unlock the front door. I told her off for making me get up and she's not in the least bit apologetic. Rather, she stood there with an 'omg' expression as if I was unreasonable for being annoyed. She wasn't overly drunk, from what I could discern. I have a 6 week old baby, hence why I am still awake (feeding). I had not long got to sleep since the last feed.

I texted my partner who was also out drinking (with my blessing, that's not an issue) to have a moan about daughter's lack of thought & remorse only to be told I am being unfair because that's just what 19 year olds do. Apparently, I shouldn't even be annoyed at being woken at 4am, never mind expect an apology.

Am I just ridiculously sleep deprived or aibu to a) expect not to be woken up to unlock the door and b) to at least get an apology for it?

I don't even feel like I can push for one in the morning now, because I'll just be undermined by my partner.

OP posts:
rootypig · 07/02/2015 05:48

And this is why children should leave home at 18.

YANBU to expect an apology once she's sober, at 19 it should be given spontaneously. Jesus, at that age I would rather have slept on the doorstep than woken my mother up at 4am.

YABU to expect sense from your partner at 4am, when he's probably off his head himself. Anyway why is he out at 4am with a 6 week old at home. Why on earth would he undermine you, and what's it got to do with him anyway?

rootypig · 07/02/2015 05:48

Congrats on your LO, by the way Flowers

And go back to sleep!

FishWithABicycle · 07/02/2015 06:08

YANBU. Once she's sober you tell your dd in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will make her no longer welcome to live with you. From the age of 16 my siblings and I were capable of returning home after our parents were asleep quietly and considerately. She either resolves never to get that drunk again or she finds somewhere else to live.

musicinspring1 · 07/02/2015 06:59

Yanbu but how annoyed I would be at her would depend on how apologetic she was in the morning and what she was normally like (eg if this was a one off). Congrats on the baby and I hope you are currently back asleep! Smile

Icimoi · 07/02/2015 07:25

Why couldn't she unlock it? Was she too pissed to make the key work? That would make me ever crosser. YA definitely NBU.

Mrsj70 · 07/02/2015 07:56

My 18yr old ds rolled in at 4.50 this morning, did have his key but couldn't unlock the door. Amazingly he was not actually that pissed! I haven't got new baby but have had to stay awake to make sure ds got up to do his paper round. Not happy :(

PrettyLittleMitty · 07/02/2015 08:04

That would really piss me off. Yanbu to expect an apology when she is awake and sober. I might also suggest she looks after baby for an hour in the afternoon while you get a nap to make up for loss of sleep Wink

Misfitless · 07/02/2015 08:23

YANBU, not one little bit.

YY to 19 year old looking after the baby.

And I'd not let her be lying in this morning, no way!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 07/02/2015 08:28

YANBU to expect an apology, that's just common courtesy when you wake someone up/inconvenience them. I'm pretty sure I did this a few times to my dad as a teenager Blush, but would always have been very sorry!

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 07/02/2015 09:47

Thanks, I'm glad to hear it wasn't just me! To be honest I am more annoyed with my partner (who is still asleep).

To be fair, I made sure I left my bedroom door wide open. Daughter has complained in the past that when I do that, the baby crying wakes her up. And the baby has woken up a lot this morning, so hopefully she has been as inconvenienced as me.

As for my partner, I will be undermined if I try to discipline her. It has happened before, instead of backing me up, my partner just tells me to shut up. I feel very unsupported in this respect. I wouldn't mind if we shared discipline but it gets left up to me and then I get moaned at for 'starting an argument'.

OP posts:
waithorse · 07/02/2015 09:47

I'm not looking forward to this stage of parenthood. Sad

CitySnicker · 07/02/2015 10:01

I suggest you go and 'accidentally' wake him up and then act shocked when he is annoyed. No apologies mind!

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2015 10:28

You shouldn't be "disiplining" a 19 year old.

The rules of the house, should be discussed and agreed on.

One off incidents, such as this, happen, the house should be run to suit everyone in it.

I'm not of the frame of mind were teens get thrown out, though, I support my children, when/if needed, if it will benefit them in the long run.

So you shouldn't really need your Partners input, tbh.

You shouldn't be sleep deprived, that is something your Partner, should be involved in.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2015 10:31

To be fair, I could never sleep till they were in anyway.

It was lovely when they left...

And your partner sounds a peach. Unsupportive and out drinking till the am when he has a new baby.
Nice.

Quitelikely · 07/02/2015 10:32

Fgs! She's 19! These things happen.

And direct your sleep deprived anger at your dp who should be helping you to not be sleep deprived !!

windchime · 07/02/2015 10:36

And your partner sounds a peach. Unsupportive and out drinking till the am when he has a new baby Nice

^^ agree with this. Pure class.

GetSober · 07/02/2015 10:37

Wow. What the fuck is your partner thinking, being so unsupportive of you as a parent? Let alone, as the mother of a six week old baby?

Is he your 19yo DD's father? If not, is he perhaps nervous of getting involved in disciplining someone who isn't his own child?

Or is he just a bit of a dick Grin

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 07/02/2015 13:10

My partner is female and did the night wakings with our other kids - this is my time to be 'mum'. The night out genuinely isn't a problem, it's a one off, belated works Christmas night out & we discussed it in advance.

Quitelikely, I agree these things happen occasionally, but to not even be apologetic? At 19? With a newborn in the house? If it were me I would have been apologising as the door opened, even though I knew my parents would still be furious.

Birdsgottafly, I agree, disciplining probably isn't the right word. But we've discussed bring considerate umpteen times. The rules are that she can go where she wants, when she wants but to keep us in the loop. In just the same way that if I go out, I'll tell my partner roughly where I'm going, eg 'out for a drink with x' and roughly when I'll be home, eg by last bus, or staying until the clubs close. And text if this changes.I tell her this is just basic consideration for her fellow housemates. Yet she continues to ignore this, with no apology

She is going to uni in September, thank goodness!

Thanks for the input everyone. I didn't think I was being unreasonable until my partner started telling me that I was making a fuss about nothing. I know it's not a huge deal but I'm sick of not being given any consideration.

OP posts:
IsadoraQuagmire · 07/02/2015 13:22

She sounds pretty immature (I'm a year younger than her, and I wouldn't behave like this) I don't agree with your partner at all, maybe she identifies because she was like that herself when she was 19, but not everyone is! Grin

Fluffyears · 07/02/2015 13:36

I never woke my parents at that age but when I creeped in I'd always get a shout down from my dad 'is that you back hen?' And when I said yes he'd say 'you ok and in one piece?'. He wouldn't sleep til I was back.

KatieKaye · 07/02/2015 13:56

Your DD sounds very immature and incredibly selfish. Which is par for the course in a 15 year old, but she's 19.

there is a world of difference between a baby crying and an adult woman waking up the house at 4am after a night out.

It is her home, but your house and of course she should respect that other people do not want to be woken up at 4am simply for her convenience. Not to even acknowledge she's been selfish and inconsiderate is ridiculous.

Sadly, your partner sounds just as bad. neither of them seem to have any consideration for others.

YANBU. But you do sound as if you've got a really tough pair of cookies living with you and running you down.

NeedABumChange · 07/02/2015 13:59

I think you are a little U. She's a teenager it's expected and sounds like a one off. Plus as you say you often wake her up with a screaming baby. But I would expect an apology in the AM.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 07/02/2015 14:04

At that age my dad would wait up for me but pretend he hadn't... Id get home and he'd be sat playing on the computer and say something like 'oh is that the time, I should get to bed'. I was at uni half the year so I don't know who he thought checked I got home safely there Grin.

wobblyweebles · 07/02/2015 14:13

Tonight make sure you wake her at 4am. Maybe also at 1am, 2.30am, 5am and 6am.

When she complains tell her that's just what mums do to selfish 19 year olds.

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 07/02/2015 14:36

Needabumchange, I don't wake her with the baby. She said it wakes her when my door is open, so I close it and have checked several times with her and that doesn't wake her.

But the door might stay open again tonight unless I get an apology after her shift!

OP posts: