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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish I was a single parent

36 replies

blingblingbling · 29/01/2015 15:39

My god, im at the end of my rope. Were both 23. We argue about the silliest things. We have a 5 month old dd. He doesn't lift a finger. I kicked him out a while back, I had a thread on here over that. Its gotten to the stage that I dread him coming back from work. I dread waking up to him in the morning. We are like strangers. I am tempted to leave him, but dont want that for my dd. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 29/01/2015 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 29/01/2015 15:43

Your dd would not know any different if you left him now. My mum was a single mum and to me it was just normal, you can't miss what you don't know.

I really believe that it's much worse for children to be brought up in a home where the parents make each other unhappy than being brought up by separated parents of even just one happy parent.

Original poster

blingblingbling · 29/01/2015 15:45

I have to apologize for the title of my post. I didn't realise how that sounded. I know I should leave him but I just don't know how it will effectourdd

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 29/01/2015 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drbonnieblossman · 29/01/2015 15:49

Being a single parent is tough.

But compared to an unhealthy relationship it's bloody marvellous and much more beneficial to a happy family life.

SurlyCue · 29/01/2015 15:51

Oh get rid! dd wont know any different and will be far happier not to be in the middle of two warring parents. Life is seriously too short to waste another minute sharing it with people you cant stand.

SisterMoonshine · 29/01/2015 15:53

You don't want your DD growing up thinking that being unhappy is how relationships should be.

jonrotten · 29/01/2015 15:55

It's far harder being in a shitty relationship than being a single parent. I've done both, yes, single parenthood was hard but I only had me and ds to worry about.

Purplepoodle · 29/01/2015 15:58

Would relate counselling help?

anniedeniro · 29/01/2015 15:59

You think it's going to be any easier when there's nobody else there? Just because he doesn't lift a finger doesn't mean it would magically get done if he wasn't there. It's the same amount of work but you're alone.

I've just turned 24, and all I've done is cry today because I can't cope with the workload alone as well as a toddler. It's not easy. It's hell if you have no support.

Nolim · 29/01/2015 16:01

Agree with purple.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 16:02

Single parent since my DD was 6 weeks old. And frankly, things are easier without having to deal with my ex.

If you're unhappy, it's a relationship you need to leave. Not just for yourself but for your DC. An unhappy relationship shouldn't be her primary example of relationships.

OllyBJolly · 29/01/2015 16:02

I would never recommend the life of a single parent to anyone. It's a huge responsibility to sit on one pair of shoulders, and to be dependent on only one income , one lot of good health, one source of energy is an a lot to deliver from one person. No one to share the good times with, and be a support in the bad times. (Of course, there can be family and friends but I don't think it's the same)

Having said all that, I was a single parent from when my 2 DDs were 2yo and 5 mths until they were older teenagers. They are too young to remember their dad living in the house, or all the trauma of the split. They always think of dad & SM and me as being two separate families and two homes. It certainly wasn't my choice to split but with retrospect, it happened at the best time.

(Having been here a wee while and read the Step Parenting boards, I'm bloody glad I stayed single! )

LadyLupin · 29/01/2015 16:04

I'm a single parent to four.

It's a hell of a lot easier on my own than it was I had a useless man dragging me down. It's less work as I'm not washing his pants or picking up after him, but the best thing of all is not being filled with a burning resentment that he's sat on his arse doing sod all whilst I'm tidying up around him.

Summerisle1 · 29/01/2015 16:04

I agree that it can be a deal harder to be in a crap relationship than it is to be a single parent. Been there, don't that. But I'd also point out that being a single parent is no picnic either. So don't assume that once you've kicked your dp out, everything is going to be all sweetness and light either.

LurcioAgain · 29/01/2015 16:05

annie -

I'm a single parent too, and I disagree with annie (though I know how awful it is when you have a shit day, and she's probably coming from there - we've all been there and it is utterly overwhelming). But there wouldn't be more work - there would at absolute worst be exactly the same amount, and more realistically probably less, because you wouldn't have to clean up after him as well as yourself and your DD.

I guess only you can tell how bad it is and how likely it is to be a passing phase, and part of the general hideousness that is having a very small baby (with apologies to those lucky enough to have found the first year a loved-up happy time - I know you're out there, I just wasn't lucky enough to be one of them). But I must say, if you've already kicked him out once, and you dread him coming home and dread him waking up - well that sounds like a really dire situation to me. I think I'd get rid.

My DS is a happy, well adjusted little soul despite having no dad.

SurlyCue · 29/01/2015 16:06

Well there'd be physically less work. Less laundry, less cooking, less of any mess he creates. Less of his stuff cluttering up the place.

But actually i found it mentally less exhausting keeping on top of the housework once my ex left as it was no longer a battle of wills, i no longer resented lifting his underpants or washing the dishes he'd dumped on the counter. It was all my own mess and all my responsibility so it was far more pleasant to just do. Plus easier to keep the place from getting messy in the first place if there is just you there to mess. You can keep it just how you like it and clean to your own routine and standards.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 16:06

annie I actually found that trying to get help from my ex and being refused it, therefore begrudgingly doing everything around the house, all cooking and all childcare was much more stressful than knowing it's just me and cracking on with it. Plus, there's not as much cleaning to do when you're alone with a child who isn't yet old enough to make much mess.

PeppermintPasty · 29/01/2015 16:07

No, you're not BU, in the context you've put it in. It's hard work being a SP, but it's even harder work with a useless other half. On your own it will all fall to you, but it would anyway, but being single there's no resentment and myself and my dc waft around our house being happy, instead of dealing with a bad tempered entitled idiot with a mild drink problem

Gen35 · 29/01/2015 16:07

If you know it's over in your heart, better to make the break when dd won't remember much imo, based on friend and family experience, harder when they're older and used to routine.

nozzernoodles · 29/01/2015 16:07

If you are not happy in your relationship and only staying with your DH for the sake of your DD then I would strongly recommend doing It now rather than waiting. I was in a similar situation when my DS was about 1. I had the same feelings as you and stayed married. Now 10 years later I have finally made the move to divorce and in all honesty it is awful for DS. He is really struggling as he understands everything that is going on, no amount of reassurance from myself or DH is making it any easier for him.

Looking back, it would have been so much better fur all concerned if we had separated years ago. DS would have known no different, DH and I would not have 10 years of built up arguments and resentment to move on from.

Summerisle1 · 29/01/2015 16:12

I found many aspects of life a whole lot easier when I didn't have a lazy, awkward, entitled, argumentative, irresponsible man cluttering up the house. But what I would say is that you also have to factor in the potential hassles over access and maintenance. Which is why although the upsides nearly always outweigh the downsides, you can't always just walk away from all the grief.

I still made the right decision to leave my ex-h though and my dcs grew up to be happy and well adjusted adults.

Original poster

blingblingbling · 29/01/2015 16:12

Im leaving him. Thanks for the advice. for every one of you

OP posts:

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 29/01/2015 16:12

I'd always advocate for working on a relationship if there's something to work on as being a single parent is hard work. But a poor role model in the home is far worse for your DD as is you being miserable and tense all the time. Do you want to salvage the relationship? Is it worth salvaging?

MyIronLung · 29/01/2015 16:16

Another single parent here. What you've described sounds exhausting. It's exhasting being constantly wound up/stressed/walking on eggshells.

Being on my own is not something I'd have chosen for myself. It's hard work, I'm as poor as poor and it can be lonely. This is still preferable to living with someone I can't stand being around and who winds me up. The amount of work in the house would likely stay the same but it would be easier because you won't be waiting for the other person to actually do something!
In my house, if I don't do it then it doesn't get done. It's not great and I'd love to have someone to help me/support me but it does mean that I'm not getting pissed off with someone else being a lazy arse and still having to do it all, iyswim?

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