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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mil not to take dd swimming again this week

36 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 06:27

Mil loves to take dd swimming and tends to weekly. However last week I told her not to as dd was snotty and had a cough that seemed to be bothering her. Mil still had dd but just didn't go swimming.
I thought dds cough had gone but seems to have come back with a vengeance would I be unreasonable AFTER telling mil that dd seems well enough for swimming this week to tell her she can't take her again?
Dp fell out with his df last week & I'm worried mil will feel I'm taking sides/ punishing her (she does get upset about these tgibgs) if I say no to swimming this week.
Can 2 year olds go swimming with a cough? I'm not sure if I'm being ott.
Dp fell out with his df over our dd causing clutter in his house with toys & basically fil expresses that he felt we were dirty people who trash his home so now dp doesn't want dd round there when he isn't because he remembers his df ways when he was little regarding "mess" & said it really stuck with him and doesn't want dd subjected to it, so now I can't even tell mil to take dd for the afternoon instead of swimming!
Long ramble of confusing and probably unnecessary info but didn't want to "drip feed".

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 28/01/2015 06:37

Can you just tell MIL what you have said here?
I wouldn't take a poorly 2 year old swimming.
could MIL look after her in your house.
FIL sounds unpleasant.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 06:45

Our house is currently a building site as we are having walls knocked through, bathrooms put in, kitchens been taken out/put in so mil can't have dd there.
We were meant to be staying with pil whilst this went on but fil had a major meltdown about is staying last minute so we had to stay at my aunty's instead.
I think if I told mil that dp doesn't want dd in their house because of his df it would cause all sorts of issues.

OP posts:

HoggleHoggle · 28/01/2015 06:48

I think it would be understandable to say ''so sorry mil, dd's cough still hasn't shifted so I don't think swimming is a good idea this week'. Surely when your mil sees dd she will realise that she's still not well and that you're not just punishing her?

petalsandstars · 28/01/2015 06:49

I think the issues are already there. You're just not mentioning them like everyone else

ApocalypseThen · 28/01/2015 06:50

I'd probably mention the cough to your mother in law and ask what she thinks about it. If they go swimming it won't kill your daughter but there's a chance, if subtlety worked, that they may try a different out of the house activity.

But I wouldn't mix it up in that argument. It has the potential for exploding.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 06:51

I think she would understand but I then have the awkward moment when mil says "I'll take her to my house" when dp doesn't want dd there.

OP posts:

Waitingonasunnyday · 28/01/2015 06:53

Maybe you could happen to have a spare soft play pass lying around? Or have library books that need returning?

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 06:54

I thought I had mentioned the issue? Dp fell out with his df. Dp now doesn't want dd in df's house without him because his df can be very controlling over his house and dp remembers it being upsetting when he was little and doesn't want dd subjected to that, dp thought his df had relaxed since he's grown up but last weeks event proved not.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 28/01/2015 06:54

Oh I see.
She probably knows what he is like.

I still think that swimming isn't a good idea if DD isn't well.

I personally wouldn't want her to be in MIL's house if FIL is going to be nasty. It isn't a nice atmosphere for a child.

You can't please everybody, so if I were you I would prioritise your DD, then your DP and go from there.

My MIL was manipulative and unkind. Everybody tiptoed round her. She actually did my DC a lot of damage and put a huge strain on my family. My eldest is now in his mid 20s and I am still dealing with the fallout her behaviour caused.

Listen to your DP. It sounds as if he is just trying to protect his DD.

ApocalypseThen · 28/01/2015 06:55

If you've been at your aunts you might say she's been indoors quite a bit lately and if mother in law has the time/energy/inclination, x is on which daughter would love. I'd lay it on a bit thick about how she loves going places with granny.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 06:56

I will suggest soft play instead although she would have to travel further and never seems to want to take her to soft play (to be fair they are stressful).

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 28/01/2015 06:58

I am off to work now.
Good luck OP - hope you get something sorted out.

Shelby2010 · 28/01/2015 07:01

As MIL knows FIL & DP had a row, then presumably she knows it was about DD? So firstly, of course if there are any 'sides' to take it would be you DP's who was defending your DD, so I don't see why MIL would be surprised about this. Secondly I think you can, in all honesty, point out that you don't feel that FIL wants DD in his house. I don't understand why you're treading on eggshells with MIL & trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Surely MiL must know what FIL is like & if she is ignoring it then you can't trust her to stand up for DD around him.

If you don't feel DD is well enough to go swimming, suggest MIL takes her for a walk to the park or something instead.

claraschu · 28/01/2015 07:04

Would it help to have DP deal with this himself, and have a very honest chat with his mum about his dad's way of dealing with your daughter?

I think if DD is cheerful and lively, not ill but still coughing, there is nothing wrong with a swim. Sometimes coughs hang around for weeks when a child is not ill any more.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 07:13

It probably would be easier for dp to deal with it to be honest but he is useless and leaves things to last minute/ doesn't bother at all most of the time.
Dd seems happy in herself but sounds rather chesty. If it was just a tickley cough and a runny nose I wouldn't mind but it's the chesty cough that worries me.
I'm unsure if dp will tell his mum he doesn't want dd at her house because of his df as he wouldn't want to upset her. Which I understand but...

OP posts:

NiamhNext · 28/01/2015 07:20

I don't like going swimming with a cold! No fun at all and getting changed afterwards is a torture. I'd word it more from the pov of what your DD would enjoy and that you want her to be having a nice time with MIL.

Perhaps they could do something else instead.

jopickles · 28/01/2015 08:37

why not suggest something else they can do instead so they can still have some quality time together but so you aren't worrying about your daughter getting any worse with her cough, maybe your MIL could take her to a nice café for cake and juice or to a pottery painting place for example

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/01/2015 08:42

I wouldn't take an unwell child to soft play either tbh. Not fair on others.

YANBU to say that about swimming to them. The issue is not you,it's definitely them.

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/01/2015 08:43

I'd let them go, make sure they've plenty of towels to wrap up in and comfy warm clothes for after. It's really highly unlikely to make any difference to what she's got.

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/01/2015 08:44

Tell DP that he needs to deal with this. Honestly, with his mum, before Sunday, or you will.

ohtheholidays · 28/01/2015 08:44

Is there somewhere else maybe you,DD and MIL could go together for an hour or two?I wouldn't let one of my DC go swimming if they had a cold or a bad chest.

Davsmum · 28/01/2015 09:05

It seems you are doing the worrying for everyone OP.
It is sad people fall out with close relatives over daft things and that they can't talk nicely and raise issues without resentment and falling out.

If you don't want your DD to go swimming you just need to tell your MiL that. You don't even have to give a reason but if you do - your reason and concern is good enough. Its up to your MiL if she takes offence. YOU are not doing anything to upset her!

If she then offers to have your DD at her house - just tell her your DP is not happy with that following the disagreement with his Dad. Its THEIR problem, not yours, so just throw it back for them to sort out.

TooHasty · 28/01/2015 09:07

I would let mine go if she is over the cold and just has a cough.

It seems your DF is complaining about your DD's clutter being there? Are you storing a lot of things at their house? That is totally different to being cross about DD making mess!

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 09:10

We don't store things there no, he's on about her toys (mil brought about 10) being on the floor, dd making mess by picking things up she should etc. the house is a show home and he doesn't like things being moved. Basically it's was a child free zone before dd came along.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 28/01/2015 09:12

I will say to take her to the park or something but to be honest if it's as cold as I think it will be it might not be the best idea.
She still has a cold, full of it. And her chesty cough seems to have come back.
It's a tough one I don't want to eat involved in dps problem with his df but ultimately need to stand by dp regarding his father as he knows him best and knows whether it's a great idea for dd to be in his home with out us there.

OP posts:

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