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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be resentful?

26 replies

pinksparklynails · 22/01/2015 10:25

basically dont know if im being silly or what but my DP's sister in law has got her 12 week scan today (although im not meant to know about it) and I feel sick with jealousy. ever since I found out she is pregnant I've felt so resentful towards her. i have a 2 year old and theres nothing I would love more than another child but DP (not DS dad) is adamant he doesn't want a baby yet.
I'm so down about it Sad

OP posts:
lovesleep2 · 22/01/2015 10:36

I am with you. My dd is 3. I have wanted another baby for a while and have asked the last couple of years. Been with my oh for 8 years. He keeps making excuses and the resentment is building. There are other issues too but I have had to bite the bullet and give him an ultimatum because I know that deep down, the resentment will increase. My body and hormones are screaming out for another baby...it is a feeling that I cannot describe easily to my oh as he doesn't get it. Age plays a big factor too! I love hearing that my friends are pregnant and am truly over the moon for them but inside I am dreaming of it being me again one day!

Anyway, my situation is different in that I have been with my oh a lot longer. Can you sit down and discuss what the future will bring for you both...a type of time line of when he may be up for ttc may help you refocus your thoughts.

Original poster
pinksparklynails · 22/01/2015 10:44

i suppose I could talk to him but he still lives with his mum and dad and he doesn't seem like he wants to commit to something like have baby. he brings excuses up like "we both aren't ready for a child" when I know full well that I am.. a woman knows when she's ready. it makes me feel so upset when he mentions about his brothers girlfriends pregnancy and I get so angry.

DP is like "oh maybe we should invite them out & go out with them and take (DS) so they get a look into what its like having a kid" and it makes me mad at the thought he's making all these arrangements like he's the expert and he wants to get them ready yet he's not.
i know I sound petty but its getting me SK down I just broke down in tears and had to tell DP that its just hormones from my period. Sad xxxx

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 22/01/2015 10:46

Why dont you try living together to start with? It seems a big leap to have a baby first x I get it though.

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 10:49

I think your dp is actually sensible here. You don't even live together why bring a baby into that situation. You both seem on very different pages.

Original poster
pinksparklynails · 22/01/2015 10:50

he don't want to yet... which I understand but it still makes me feel sad. hmmf xx

OP posts:
mamaslatts · 22/01/2015 10:51

If he's still living with his mum and dad he might have a point about not being ready - both for him and you both as a couple. I think it would be wise to make sure he's committed to you and the relationship before you both commit to a baby together. How long have you been together? How does he feel about living together/marriage? Perhaps he's not ready for any long term commitment yet.

I was with my dh 8 years before marriage/babies and we are now having our 3rd. And he's an older dad so it wasn't youth holding him back..

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 10:51

If he doesn't want to live with you then having a baby would definitely not be the right situation.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2015 10:54

How long have you been together?

BrieAndChilli · 22/01/2015 11:07

To be blunt I really don't think you have been with your partner long enough to know him well enough to have a child with. Living together changes a relationship (often for the better but just as often for the worse) my sister got pregnant with her boyfriend and he moved in just before the baby was born, they only lasted a few more months as the stress of Lear ing to live with each other, and getting to know each other in more depth added to the stress of a newborn was too much.

Original poster
pinksparklynails · 22/01/2015 11:46

we been together 2 years and yeah I know I haven't been with him long enough for things like that I understand he's not ready but I'm just so broody it getting down, I'm not saying im gna make him have a baby or anything just get cos I know he's not ready.... I just can't stop this crazy jealousy or DPs sister in law, that's all xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
pinksparklynails · 22/01/2015 11:46

of*

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/01/2015 11:53

Well you need to stop your "crazy jealousy" of her for starters. It's not her fault your partner doesn't want to commit right now. Bitterness gets you nowhere- and it's not as if you even have the excuse of childlessness or infertility.

ilovesooty · 22/01/2015 12:04

If he's still such a child as to be playing families while living at his parents and saying he's not ready I can't see why you'd want to have had one baby with him let alone be contemplating another.

firesidechat · 22/01/2015 12:10

She hasn't had a baby with him yet. Her 2 year old isn't her current partner's child.

ManyMayhem · 22/01/2015 12:17

YABU. It's impossible to stop feeling broody but you need to be really realistic and sensible about the situation. Allow yourself the occasional moan but don't let your emotions get the better of you. You have a DD already and you are still in a relatively new relationship.

The fact he doesn't even live with you makes it even less sensible.

If he is telling you that he doesn't want a child then you have to listen to him.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/01/2015 12:25

Can I ask how old you both are?

It just seems odd that after two years together he'd still prefer to live with his parents than commit to you.

I'd understand it if he was late teens to mid 20s etc but otherwise it just seems incongruent to an adult make in a serious relationship.

If he isn't even prepared to live with you then you can't expect the level of commitment from him that having a child involves.

Only1scoop · 22/01/2015 12:32

Yabu....

You can't help feeling broody but sounds like your Dp no ready for a dc. I'm presuming you are both quite young. He lives with his mum. Maybe not ready for the responsibilities that come with a baby.

WooWooOwl · 22/01/2015 12:34

Your DP has a good point. You aren't ready for another baby, especially if you don't live together and he's still living with his parents.

Are either of you actively doing anything to get ready for having another child? Like trying to increase your earnings so you can build a home together, or looking for places you could live together? Maybe the broody ness will calm down if you can at least see that you are both working towards being ready.

pictish · 22/01/2015 12:36

Why do you want a baby with someone who doesn't even want to commit to living together yet? Why are you even thinking that way?
He's your boyfriend. You are seeing each other. It is not the time for a baby!

wishmiplass · 22/01/2015 12:45

I think YABU to be resentful of your DP's SIL, but I think you already know that, so probably best to stop that now.

In terms of your relationship with your DP (and his with you and your DS), your DP seems to be 'playing at it' if you see what I mean. I guess you have to ask yourself whether he'll ever be likely to do it 'for real' and if not, then you have some pretty big decisions to make. I think that's where your resentment actually lies. Good luck OP xx.

CundtBake · 22/01/2015 12:51

You sound very young, how old are you OP?

YABU but I'm sure you realise that. I'd love a baby too at the moment but my DP and I don't live together yet and I know it's just not the right time. You need to breathe! Your partner is right, you're not ready to have a baby together.

silveroldie2 · 22/01/2015 13:22

I think you should be grateful to have one child (I couldn't have any). Being jealous because someone is pregnant is ridiculous. You don't even live with your boyfriend and I must say he sounds far more sensible than you about having another child.

OfaFrenchMind · 22/01/2015 13:44

She should not be grateful to have a child. It happens, and is completely independent of any other consideration.

However, being resentful is unreasonable. As is pressuring the DP for one when he does not want to and has clearly good reason not to.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/01/2015 13:47

Having a baby with a reluctant father who won't live with you would be a nightmare wouldnt it? Focus on your own relationship and try to be happy with what you do have.

WorkingBling · 22/01/2015 13:49

Yabu to resent a perfectly innocent woman for getting pregnant. If you must resent someone, resent your dp but as others have said, your relationship seems fairly new and not that committed so I think he is right not to want to have a baby now. What happened to your dc's dad?

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