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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should just get over it?

40 replies

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 19:59

His parents have got him vouchers to go clay pigeon shooting for his birthday- he will love it. However he has been informed they got it so he could have some quality time with his do and he must go with him.
Dh isn't happy. Mainly because his parents haven't been particularly easy people to get along with for the past few years and have caused a lot of upset within our family blah blah blah but it's 1 day. Just get on with it, right?
His dad does have a tendency to nag him when they are alone and it grates on dh, he feels he's never good enough etc.
Dh is upset they've given him a gift with their own agenda because his mum wants him and his dad to spend quality time together again like they used to when he was a teenager living at home etc but still surely he should just try and see the nice side to this?
He's been whining all weekend !

OP posts:

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:01

Quality time with DF!
Sorry

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 19/01/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:02

But he does want to go just not with his dad- not sure that's fair although I do think the gift is more for his DF & DM than him

OP posts:

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:03

I'm not going to make him but should imagine his lovely parents will nag/bully him until he does :L

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fredfredgeorgejnr · 19/01/2015 20:06

Sorry, there is no nice side to this, his parents gave him a gift with strings, treating him like a child, trying to force something on him that he doesn't want.

You're also trying to parent him rather than treat him as an adult by telling him to suck it up. He probably should suck it up and go, he needs to establish an adult relationship with his family and sulking won't do it, but neither would going and accepting the nagging etc.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2015 20:07

Any gift with strings isn't really a true gift is it.

Is there a time limit on the vouchers?

I know you say he'll love it so if he goes with his dad at least he can try it. It may not turn out to be so great after all.

If it is as good he imagined, he can go back with friends.

justmyview · 19/01/2015 20:07

It sounds like they have done well to choose an activity that your DH will enjoy. It won't harm him to spend one day doing an activity with his Dad. I think YANBU

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:08

I haven't nagged, he's nagged me all weekend regarding the mater.
It's a great present but not given with the right intent, I get that and I did think "oh what a shame, they were so close to getting it right this year" when mil said "it's for quality time with dad" but he's had issues with them for years, they've caused so much drama and him refusing to stand up to them and tell them to back off (granted he would find this tough) and then moaning about them to me constantly grates on me too.

OP posts:

simbacatlivesgain · 19/01/2015 20:09

Just tell them that he wants to go with you. Unless your FIL also got the same gift? ie did they get shooting for 1 each or did your OH get shooting for 2?

sliceofsoup · 19/01/2015 20:09

What is lovely about constantly being nagged and made to feel you are not good enough?

A present with an agenda isn't really a present and I don't blame your DH for not being happy at all. So YABU.

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:10

I think it's shooting for two.
He would enjoy it.

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BarbarianMum · 19/01/2015 20:10

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:11

The lovely comment was meant with a hint of sarcasm :)

OP posts:

simbacatlivesgain · 19/01/2015 20:12

I think it's shooting for two.
He would enjoy it.

Then he can take whoever he likes. You go. It is quite good fun.

DoJo · 19/01/2015 20:13

How is it booked? Could he just book it himself and go without telling his father? If it is something that he has to book via his parents, could he just not go. If they pressure him, perhaps he could explain to them that he isn't interested in a gift designed to give his father a chance to hector him and he would rather have no gift that subject himself to yet another lecture.

Just out of interest, what does his dad nag him about?

ILovePud · 19/01/2015 20:13

I feel bad for your DH, who'd want to have a day out with someone who had nagged and bullied them into it. Is he whining because you're trying to persuade him or just because he's annoyed with this 'gift'? If it's the former then I'd stop, it's a mean thing they've done imo and I wouldn't blame him for boycotting. If he's just getting on your nerves because he keeps going on about it I'd tell him to speak to them rather than you.

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:14

I'd be happy to go but reckon he'd love to go with a friend. It's up to him I guess but I don't think he will go at all to avoid time with his df

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maddy68 · 19/01/2015 20:14

I think you're over thinking this
I really believe that its a lovely present, what could be nicer than his dad wanting to spend time with his son, despite there being difficulties

I think it shows he's trying

Original poster

Kab13 · 19/01/2015 20:18

do it's vouchers so he can book whenever he likes. Not sure when they expire...
He generally bags him about his career, the state of his car, his recently developed wobbly belly, what he spends his money on, what he wears, general life decisions to be honest.
All unnecessary as none of the above are issues.
I lovepud
I'm not pressuring him but he just won't shut up about how annoyed he is.

OP posts:

ILovePud · 19/01/2015 20:19

If they'd just booked it as a day out that could be a nice gesture but it's his birthday present and it shouldn't come with strings. I think it shows they are very trying sorry couldn't resist, I'm turning into my mum that's her catchphrase!

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 19/01/2015 20:20

To me it sounds like his father is trying to manipulate him to go.

A gift should be given freely with no hidden agenda.

If his dad wants to go, then I suggest he take a friend with him and not use his sons birthday as a reason.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/01/2015 20:20

Maddy68 can I hazard a guess that you get on well with your family?

It's not nice for a bullying nag to give a present that forces you to spend time with them. If my fil did this to dh he'd tell him to get fucked.

On the other hand if he's got a voucher for 2 he has a choice. 1, he sucks it up and goes with his dad. 2, he returns it to his parents and says 'thanks but I don't want a present with conditions'. Or 3, he takes a friend and tells his parents that a gift shouldn't come with conditions and he preferred to go with a friend.

If his dad is genuinely doing this to rebuild a relationship them I'd expect him to accept either option 2 or 3 with good grace and suggest another opportunity to meet up. If he can't understand then that doesn't bode well.

ILovePud · 19/01/2015 20:21

Kab13 if he won't shut up about it but won't actually deal with the issues with his parents then I don't think YABU to tell him to put a sock in it.

Topaz25 · 19/01/2015 20:21

Stay out of it and let him decide whether to go with his father. IME getting involved with interfering in-laws never goes well. Your DH needs to stand up for himself and they need to see it comes from him, so they can't accuse you of interfering between him and his family. Trust me, even if you tell him to go and try and get along with them it will blow up in your face. Just stay out of it to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. Given your description of them I think it's perfectly reasonable for him not to want to spend time with them and maybe his venting is part of the process of him realising that. All you can do is be there for him. I understand that it's frustrating for you but I think he needs someone who doesn't judge his decisions right now. Given that you think they will try to control him by nagging him until he gives in, I think this is part of a pattern of controlling behaviour and about more than the present.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2015 20:24

Your poor DH

That isn't a gift in the true sense of the word, it's a way to manipulate him. And you are joining forces with them

I think both of you, but especially you need to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. here

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