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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried about social media and DDs.

35 replies

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 22:51

My DDs are 10 and 6...DD who is 10 is in year 6 of primary....the youngest in the year and I feel anxious about her and social media.

She's not shown any interest in it as of yet but my sister's DD is 11 in year 6 of another school and has a FB account. From what I can see, she conducts her social life through it and very publicly.

In this week's school newsletter from my DDs school there was a note to say that some of the "Older pupils" had been using social media and could parents please keep an eye on it as there were problems stemming from it which were coming into school.

I feel anxious that DD isn't interested in it and horrified at the thought of her EVERY getting interested in it!

She has a phone and a tablet...on her phone are only her ve closest friends...and she occasionally texts them and they also Skype together after school.

That's the extend of her online socialising.

Is it ok? When should children be allowed to use social media? DD is such a young ten that I really can't see her either wanting to or being ready to until she's about 13 or so.

I HATE it. I hate the fact that social media is full of dodgyness and also that so much bullying etc goes on through it. :(

AIBU to not want DD to ever get onto it? Or at least to delay it?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 17/01/2015 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2015 22:59

My DS's wanted FB accounts at the end of year 6, to keep in contact with friends who weren't going to the same senior school as them.

I told them this would only be allowed if I made their accounts, so I had the log in details (to keep an eye on them) and so I could tighten all the security settings. They also weren't allowed to add anyone they didn't know in RL.

They were perfectly happy with that and to be honest, rarely went on it other than to play the FB games.

They're 15yrs and 12yrs now and still rarely go on it.

Lots of people will say 'Oh but they have to be 13yrs to have an account', but that's only due to American laws.

I know a few parents who absolutely refused to entertain the idea of their kids having FB accounts....3 out of 5 of those kids went on to make secret accounts, which meant their parents couldn't even keep an eye on them.

YANBU to want to delay it, but if she's asking for one when she's leaving Primary, I would consider it as long as you get to call the shots.

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:01

Thanks Euphemia I will look later...I don't want to sound like I can't learn anything but I'm pretty well up on social media and how it's used. I work in the industry...I suppose there could be stuff I'm ignorant of though.

I suppose my question is this...is it my job to teach dd now about social media? Should I introduce her to say Instagram so that she can use it under my supervision? Or should I let things take their natural course?

I know for absolute certainty that she wouldn't ever open an account without my knowledge. She's very cautious. I don't allow her to comment on Youtube...she hasn't an account...

Should I?

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 17/01/2015 23:02

it's a minefield but having a tablet with internet access, a phone and skype you are shutting the stable door a little bit late

I have 3 - 6, 10 and 12 - 10 and 12 both have FB and use You Tube - any account they have I have the password for and check daily - I have 100% access to their phones as well

anything I am worried about or a bit about I raise it and we discuss it

you can't stop this beast but you can help them deal with it sensibly - it's scary stuff

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:03

Worra We're moving when she finishes primary so I thought I'd let her open one then...

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:04

ghosty I'm not shutting any door late...she has no social media accounts at all...I am always near her whilst she's on her tablet and isn't ever on it alone. I know exactly what she does on there.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2015 23:05

Should I introduce her to say Instagram so that she can use it under my supervision? Or should I let things take their natural course?

I would wait until she asks if she can, but in the meantime I would slowly introduce conversations about online safety etc.

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:06

Worra thanks for that....she mentioned it during the summer but I said no..no Instagram. She was 9....it seemed too young. She's not asked since though.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 17/01/2015 23:08

sorry!

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:09

Youtube is a worrying one. It's obviously very attractive to DC due to all the videos about specific stuff...but it's completely open isn't it? They can read awful comments others have made for instance.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2015 23:10

Aww I think you're doing the right thing OP.

You're not burying your head in the sand, and you understand that sooner or later (probably sooner!) she'll ask again.

I've no doubt you'll do the right thing, talk it out and make sure you have all the login details if you allow her an account.

But for now if she's not asking, I wouldn't suggest it to her.

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:12

Worra I think it's because I spend an awful lot of time online! I know the pitfalls and worry about it a lot.

I worry about their image...you know...kids seem to post vids of everything they do! Many have no mystery left at all! You can see them eating, skating, painting, playing games singing....I want to teach DD to be circumspect as when these 10 year olds grow up, their future employers will be able to find out ANYTHING they want!

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tkband3 · 17/01/2015 23:18

I have three DDs - one in year 7 and twins in year 5. DD1 has had an Instagram account since the end of year 6 (she lobbied very hard for this) but the twins don't have any social media as yet and won't be allowed until they're at the same stage their older sister was at. They do watch youtube on our laptop, but I have set the security settings so that no comments appear and they can't view any unsuitable videos. I can't remember how I did this now, but it was something to do with the settings in Chrome.

AgentZigzag · 17/01/2015 23:20

DD had just turned 12 when I set up a fb account for her, and like Worra I made it crystal clear that I'd have full access to what she was up to on it and could look at any time.

She's 14 now and I don't look any more, but I would if I thought there was maybe something going on.

The problem for me was the huge amount of sites there are for DC to go on, twitter, snapchat, instagram, skype, kik, and ones I probably don't even know about! If you're keeping an eye on them the time needed to trawl through the waffling bollocks what they're posting just isn't feasible.

We did have an 'incident' of her chatting to someone online where we went to CEOP (who were bloody brilliant) after the local police tried to palm us off and blame it on DD (!) and we would have been palmed off if it wasn't for great advice we got on MN.

DD knew the 'internet danger' rules, but she didn't put the rules together with what it's like to actually be active on the internet. I could say to her 'presume the 'lad' you're talking to is a 40 year old bloke', but in reality it's so easy to get sucked in. (turned out that it was 'only' an 18 year old lad, but he did know how old she was (13 I think) and is now on the police radar)

Afterwards I was worried about her going back online, but as someone on the thread said you can't stop them forever (unless you want to isolate them from their peers and stop them learning essential life skills), so accept they're going to go online and then do everything you can to keep them safe until you feel sure (as you can be) that they can do it themselves.

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:25

Agent your situation sounds well managed to me. I will wait till' she asks...Facebook I think will be a good intro as we're moving abroad and she'll want to stay in touch with friends from the UK...I will be able to easily monitor it too...if she asks about Instagram again I will look at it again.

I know I can set Instagram so she can't interact with anyone she's not accepted first...and of course that's easily checked by me!

I did open her a Pinterest account I remember now but her interest in it petered out.

God. It's such a worry!

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AgentZigzag · 17/01/2015 23:27

Lots of posts while I was tapping away

I agree with others, let her ask to open an account and make a judgement at the time, it's usually whatever their friends are on. Instagram seems to be out and snapchat in at the min, I don't like snapchat, but DD knows if I ever get a sniff of anything inappropriate that her wi-fi password will be withdrawn (like that'll make a difference )

I didn't like youtube either and tried to put it off as long as possible, but if they've got access to google, they can pretty much look up whatever they want anyway.

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:30

I won't let her use snapchat..noooo way! Cold day in hell and all that!

Youtube annoys me as there's such a lot of negativity on there but it's powerful stuff isn't it? The freedom to have your voice heard and to interact with people from all over the world! God I'd have EATEN it up as a kid!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 17/01/2015 23:32

You're right, it's fucking scary and a complete nightmare, but you can prepare them and keep an eye open.

The flip side is that they're constantly plugged in to a totally amazing tool, and it does have a positive side for getting info, keeping in touch with friends when they're on holiday, getting a broader outlook etc.

noitsbecky · 17/01/2015 23:37

Please don't let her use anything she isn't old enough for according the site's terms and conditions. 13 is a good age to start - which is why the sites place this as their age!

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:38

I do tend to agree becky I suppose I'm worried about her being left out though...which is really stupid of me because that's all about peer pressure!

I also worry about the amount of personal pics and thoughts kids are posting...won't it affect their careers etc later if they make dubious posts?

OP posts:

LaLyra · 17/01/2015 23:51

My DDs both use social media, but under strong supervision. They are 12.

DD1 has Facebook and DD2 and her friends use Instagram. They were set up last year when we moved and they wanted to keep in touch with their friends.

They were set up using my email address which gives me control of the password, they are only allowed to add family or people from their class at school without checking with me first and their privacy settings are high (DD2s Instagram is a private account so only people she allows/follows can see what she posts). They know that I check regularly and I wouldn't hesitate to delete the accounts if they broke the rules. DD1 had her password changed for a week a while back for playing games later than allowed, it seemed harsh, but she knew the rules.

I'm also really strict about the times they are on it. I don't allow their phones in their room overnight, they get charged in the lounge, takes away the temptation to be online half of the night like some of their friends.

I'm quite 'lucky' in that a girl in their school got herself into huge amount of bother last year just before we moved. She was having conversations with a boy who turned out to be an older man. After that the school had some excellent people in to talk to the children and it was something we talked about a lot with them at home.

AgentZigzag · 17/01/2015 23:55

I look at lots of fb profiles for work and can spot one from the UK a mile off! It's not a nice thing to say, but you can definitely tell who wants to look available and up for it by their piccys.

Thankfully the vast majority are 18+, but you can't help but wonder about some of them who are obviously quite young, some even posting their phone numbers on public profiles!

In that regard I'm relatively reassured by the selfies DD posts (and there are a lot!) in that they're just of her face excluding the shit tip that is her room in the background. I told her to only post piccys that she'd be happy for my mum (and me obviously) to see, and she seems to have taken that on board.

The difference between DD at 12 and DD at 14 is enormous, she was a child at 12 and is definitely thinking more like an adult now, a lot more wise to what's going on and what not to do (famous last words ).

Original poster

MrsTawdry · 17/01/2015 23:56

Lal you're making me feel better I must say! DDs school has also had someone in to talk to them...

OP posts:

nooka · 17/01/2015 23:57

I didn't let my children have Facebook until they were thirteen because otherwise it means making up an older dob. They weren't hugely bothered about it anyway. dd likes tumblr so she has an account on there, but she doesn't use her real name and mostly just reblogs there. She also posts on wattpad, again under a pseudonym. ds is really just into gaming, and uses pseudonyms there too even once he starts chatting with other players and gets to know them quite well.

The issue we had in the last years of primary was some hotmail chat place where some girls were saying very nasty things about each other. As our computers are in our living room we were able to see that things were getting unpleasant and take action. The plus point is that any bullying can be proved with a few screenshots.

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2015 00:04

The MN Panel has just been involved in giving feedback on social media sites for the NSPCC's new site Net Aware.

It pretty much covers most sites, as well as showing just how many of them there are.

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