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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend has to calm down about her wedding?

37 replies

cathyscarlett · 11/01/2015 23:53

My friend is getting married in November, and I am a bridesmaid. She's been engaged for five years, and has spent every minute of these last five years planning the wedding. I love her to bits, but she is driving me mad!

Every time I see her, all she has to talk about is the wedding. Even through Christmas week, this was the sole topic of conversation. We have had our bridesmaid dresses for over a year already, and we are now being harrassed to try them on a few times again between now and the wedding. She has told the bridesmaids exactly how she wants our hair and makeup, and we have to pay for these things.

Her hen do is costing an absolute fortune. Four nights and five days away, which I think is completely over the top. I don't begrudge doing anything she wants me to do, nor paying for it, but she doesn't seem to appreciate exactly how much time and money everyone is having to spend on her wedding. I worked out that it will cost me nigh on £1,500 overall.

She is constantly reminding us how much she has spent on the wedding whilst telling us that no one should not be attending her hen do or not staying at her wedding venue overnight on the wedding day etc. despite how much it costs, because she is having to pay more overall. This is true, but it's her wedding, not ours.

She appears to be under the impression that her wedding is the biggest event happening in everyone's lives. I have a fairly busy job, and I am now getting texts and Facebook messages throughout the day from both her and her grandmother regarding plans for the hen do and the wedding which I could really live without.

AIBU to think she has to calm down and stop being so utterly self obsessed?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 11/01/2015 23:59

'No' is a complete sentence.

You need to say something, otherwise if you keep letting her talk about nothing but her wedding, and annoy you several times per day then she will think that it is acceptable behaviour. Tell her, as often as necessary that you cannot discuss wedding matters with her while you are at work, and if the events are blowing out of control, then say you can only afford to do x, x, and x part of the weekend, but not the rest. Twerps like this get away with it because people in their life enable it.

LindyHemming · 11/01/2015 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molyholy · 12/01/2015 00:02

5 years planning a wedding! It is going to cost YOU £1.5k! Yanbu! I know its her special day and all that, but she sounds lime she is being a bit thoughtless on everybody else. Its only one day ffs. I don't understand why brides turn nuts for this one day. And 5 days away for a hen do! I mean, come on. That is ridiculous. I am married and my main concern was the cost to others when planning. It might be her special day, but it aint anybody elses! So to be pissed off about it, YADNBU

Original poster
cathyscarlett · 12/01/2015 00:23

Thanks for the replies. She really is going to be so bored Euphemia . She'll be unsure what to spend her time on. I imagine she'll fixate on children once she's married.

If it was just simply a friend getting married, Midnite , I definitely wouldn't have indulged her so much. But, being a bridesmaid, I feel obliged to go along with everything.

Moly , I was shocked when I added up the cost. It's not even abroad, it's a local wedding. Five days is ridiculous. I did manage to talk her out of some of the more ridiculous aspects of it, but she was adamant she was having five days. Some of the more sensible women have told her they'll only be coming for two or three days.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 12/01/2015 00:32

Yanbu but sounds like she's gearing up for the final phase of a huge undertaking for her. You are going to hear more and more about it. If you've put up with 5 years of it and can take the cost on the chin then I'd just put up with it until November.

It's going to be a lot of "mememeeee!" Between now and then so perfect your agreeable and interested face.

And as for hen do well just enjoy the holiday as it's your time too. And don't be afraid to laugh at her. Suggest she chills out a bit. Remind her that the point of planning well is to avoid flapping at last minute.

She is going to have one helluva come down after the honeymoons over. Betcha she starts on babies straight away to have something to do!!!!

missingmumxox · 12/01/2015 00:43

Hahaha, you paid for the bridesmaid dresses a year ago? Wedding not until November? Planning for 5 fucking years, I predict about September she will suddenly hate the whole theme and change it, a lovely friend of mine did this 3 weeks before her wedding,she was paying but her wedding dress had been about so long as had the bridesmaid dresses they had become boring to her,

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 12/01/2015 00:53

Tell her she needs to get out more. It's just a wedding.

Weddings are ridiculously dull and hen nights/weekends/weeks(!) are always cringey.

No amount of money or planning will change that.

And you don't need to pay £1.5K for her wedding. Tell her to feck off.

And 5 years? 5 YEARS? There's other stuff going on there...

ShadowSuperNova · 12/01/2015 00:56

YANBU.

But I bet she'll be incapable of seeing that herself no matter what the OP says.

Qwebec · 12/01/2015 01:14

If this is too much for you, you dont have to put up with it just because you are her bridesmaid, you're not her slave. Even just for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship with her stand up for yourself.

If you feel like going to the 5 day hen do, go for it, but if it is too much, I'm sure you can come up with a reason to cut it short (can't get time off work, family problem to deal with...)

Original poster
cathyscarlett · 12/01/2015 01:38

missing God I hope not, I couldn't hope with that!

It's turned into £1,500 by stealth, though to be honest I don't think for a second that she actually realises it's turned into that much money for us. She's so blissfully unaware that other people have lives to live without her wedding being the main focus.

The five year delay was in order to save up for the lavish do they're having. If she had began planning it at a reasonable time, say last summer, I think I would have been excited about it, but she's done it to death.

Zen you hit the nail on the head when you said she was gearing up. It's the thought of it getting even more intense over the coming months that's driven me to rant about it here. Bit of a drip feed, but we've already had one bridesmaid casualty as a result of them not putting the effort in... Hmm Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
cathyscarlett · 12/01/2015 01:39

Just to clarify, the bridesmaid was asked to step down and just be a guest. There was no physical casualty!

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 12/01/2015 02:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcipex · 12/01/2015 02:19

Go for some active neglect, you might also be asked to stand down.

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2015 02:27

Sounds awful!
And yes, I bet her next Project will be Project Baby after Project Wedding is completed...

YABU though - if you haven't managed to stem the flow in the last few years, you're not going to stop it now. She's going to wind up and wind up and wind up until she spontaneously combusts or something - you've another 10m of this!!

Can you get pregnant in the next few months and get demoted that way? Wink

OrangesJuicyOranges · 12/01/2015 06:16

Our whole wedding cost less than £1500!! It was organised, without going on about it, in six months and it was lovely.

Can you try and let it slip how much you've spent? I hate how people expect guests to shell out so much. She will be wanting a gift on top of that too. Good grief

I don't think you can say anything but what are you going to talk about once wedding is done?.

AuntieStella · 12/01/2015 07:02

II months to go!

Have you got some sort of countdown clock?

You really mustn't sign up to do things (like a 5 day hen do) if you cannot afford it (or things are tight enough that the cost is begrudged). And she asked you to be bridesmaid, not skivvy.

Fair enough to try on the dresses (in time for alterations, as they have been bought so far in advance it's quite possible size/shape would change). But that's just routine admin, isn't it?

Bridesmaids are required 'to put effort in'. They are required to look decorative on the day, maybe helping bride with her hair/makeup (though I expect this one has hired a professional?) and zipping up her dress at the back; also taking charge of little bridesmaids during the formal parts, holding the bouquet during the vows and shagging the best man/ushers (optional). I'm mildly intrigued to know what else she expected, and what negligence led to a sacking.

FruChristerOla · 12/01/2015 09:03

"I don't think you can say anything but what are you going to talk about once wedding is done?."

I suspect the bride won't stop, Oranges, Grin. I vaguely recall a thread from a couple of years ago (?) where the poor OP was at her wits end. Her recently married friend kept talking about the wedding afterwards as well; IIRC, they were due to drive somewhere together which involved a couple of hours journey and she couldn't face being trapped in a car with her newly married friend harping on about the wedding for the entire journey!

ZenNudist · 12/01/2015 09:18

I too am interested in the BM sacking story.

Any chance you can stage a BMintervention? Get bride in a room all together and tell her you're worried about her as she's building up to frenzy levels. Ask her to calm down and make some plans as friends that don't involve wedding chit chat. Then laugh at her good naturedly every time she goes on about it. Ask her to list what else she needs you to do (& pay for) it can't be that much can it? And then limit her from finding new stuff to do. Tell her it's for her own good.

I can't see this workingGrin

ChaosTrulyReigns · 12/01/2015 09:23

Any chance you could get pregnant on the next couple of months? Wink

weeblueberry · 12/01/2015 09:37

Her poor fiancé. I'm exhausted just reading about her...

OnlyLovers · 12/01/2015 09:41

Stop putting the effort in and you'll find yourself downgraded to guest just like the previous bridesmaid. Sorted.

Even if I had £1.5k to spend on someone else's hen do, I wouldn't out of principle.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 12/01/2015 09:43

She sacked her bridesmaid?!?

For not putting the effort in?!

Shock
stickingpoint2 · 12/01/2015 09:44

Get a small notebook. Everytime she references the wedding make a W mark on a piece of paper. Everytime she raises life/ work/ home make a different code. Do this in front of her too. It's ridiculous but she might get a wake up call.

bottleofbeer · 12/01/2015 10:02

I'm about to blow with a good friend's sister who is organising the hen do. She randomly decided to bring payment for loads of stupid activities forward to a week before Xmas. Over 30 of us just expected to put close to £100 in her bank account. I paid yesterday and am seeing really PA messages on fb thanking those who paid BEFORE XMAS as requested. Oh, and I had to chose my food for a restaurant too. It's harder than you think choosing food a month in advance, gee, I have no idea what I'll fancy IN A MONTH! Grin

It really does suck the joy out of it all. I've also been the bridesmaid for a bridezilla. You've got my sympathy!

MehsMum · 12/01/2015 10:08

I'd have bailed out long ago. Five years to save up for a wedding? They're nuts, both of them. If you need to save up for that long, you must have better things you could be spending your money on.

Not sure what to suggest, though... Other than saying that you're busy, can't deal with wedding queries etc at work - and take the risk of being demoted to a mere guest.