To think my friend has to calm down about her wedding?

[cathyscarlett]

My friend is getting married in November, and I am a bridesmaid. She's been engaged for five years, and has spent every minute of these last five years planning the wedding. I love her to bits, but she is driving me mad!

Every time I see her, all she has to talk about is the wedding. Even through Christmas week, this was the sole topic of conversation. We have had our bridesmaid dresses for over a year already, and we are now being harrassed to try them on a few times again between now and the wedding. She has told the bridesmaids exactly how she wants our hair and makeup, and we have to pay for these things.

Her hen do is costing an absolute fortune. Four nights and five days away, which I think is completely over the top. I don't begrudge doing anything she wants me to do, nor paying for it, but she doesn't seem to appreciate exactly how much time and money everyone is having to spend on her wedding. I worked out that it will cost me nigh on £1,500 overall.

She is constantly reminding us how much she has spent on the wedding whilst telling us that no one should not be attending her hen do or not staying at her wedding venue overnight on the wedding day etc. despite how much it costs, because she is having to pay more overall. This is true, but it's her wedding, not ours.

She appears to be under the impression that her wedding is the biggest event happening in everyone's lives. I have a fairly busy job, and I am now getting texts and Facebook messages throughout the day from both her and her grandmother regarding plans for the hen do and the wedding which I could really live without.

AIBU to think she has to calm down and stop being so utterly self obsessed?

Is that all she has in her life to think about? How sad. I will never get my head around how obsessive some women get about their wedding day.

Had a work colleague who was the same, I was totally sick of hearing about it by the end and there's no end after the wedding. They come back and talk about the honeymoon for a month then announce baby is on the way and go on and on like they are the first ever to get pregnant.

"no physical casualty"! Well that's a blessing at least!

Dh was an Usher at a similarly huge, self absorbed wedding and we spent a similar amount with the stag/hen etc Re the 'come down' afterwards, in our case this particular couple now seem to find an excuse to have a lavish 'do' of some sort more or less on an annual basis and expect their friends to show the same level of commitment as they did for the wedding.

Suffice to say we now barely speak and are no longer invited

So hasn't she done anything else in her life in the last 5 years that she can chat about? That is so sad. Most people achieve and change so much over a 5 year period. I hope she doesn't have a breakdown after the wedding!!

x-post with Snow - our friends did exactly the same with a baby. The Christening was like a mini wedding.

oh please do say something about the dresses.....OVER a year old?? Some sort of comment about all the fresh up to date styles and colours for this season should send her right over the edge!

I am totally missing the bridezilla gene though. Just do not get it.

Thanks for all the replies! It's a tempting though, Cats , but I couldn't cope with having to go and look for more if she changed her mind.

Bree , no, she really is living for her wedding. We're having a small party the day after the wedding too. It's being milked for all it's worth.

The sacked bridesmaid declined the bulk of the hen do and had a few complaints about the style of makeup. She's now a guest. I'm consumed with envy.

The idea of hearing about children for the 18 years nine months after that is a terrifying thought. She really is a lovely person though, just in a world of her own.

On the bright side, she's saved me a fortune when and if I ever get married. It'll be an elopement, I am thoroughly wedding-ed out.

You've been putting up with this for 5 years? Fuck me. You must be extremely patient.

What is the £1500 going on, just out of interest? Expecting people to fork out for 5 days away just for your hen do is ridiculous.

You need to be much firmer. Do not reply to messages about the wedding when you're at work. Better yet, is it too late to back out of the hen do? At least then you could leave any facebook threads bombarding you with messages about it.

When you're with her, don't be afraid to pointedly change the subject from wedding stuff. Unless what she has to say is actually important and needs to be discussed right there and then, she is being incredibly rude by endlessly harping on about it. How often does she take an interest in what's going on in your life?

Surely the other bridesmaids will be just as fed up as you are by now, so if she wants to sack you as well, you could ask for a bit of solidarity from them. Explain that of course you're happy for her that she's getting married, and you're sure it will be a wonderful day. However, you do have other commitments in your life and you can't necessarily spend all of your time thinking about it. Explain that you're already spending a lot of money on 'bridesmaid duties' (and say exactly how much) and can't also shell out for a 5-day hen do. If you don't want to pay to stay at her hotel on the night, say so.

Just be honest - acknowledge that you're being blunt, but that it's important to be open as the last few years of wedding mania has put a strain on your relationship with her, so something needs to change. There's still 10 months to go! If you still want to be friends with her afterwards, you've got to start being more assertive. If she's at all reasonable, she'll listen to you.

If not, then she demotes you to a guest. Would that be so terrible? Think of all the stress it would save you from. She's still got plenty of time to scale back her Bridesmaid plans, or change her bridesmaids if she wants to.

Good luck, she sounds like a nightmare.

Don't get it either, also missing the bridezilla gene!! We got our date in spring, our wedding day was in the middle of August, everyone I spoke to was like how are you going to pull that off, it's only 6 months away....errr....calm down!! we had a fab day, I'm not a wedding fan I must admit, I did want to elope, but it was lovely. Married at the local registry office and had our reception at a hotel. Very chilled affair from start to finish, cost about £2k if that. Went to a rather posh one at a stately home just before Christmas and spend about 3 hours waiting around in a foyer for numerous parts of the reception....don't get it!!

I would've snapped long ago op, you have the patience of a saint!!

Presumably, if you've been asked to be a bridesmaid, then you must be a pretty close friend, so I don't understand why you've not been honest with her AGES ago.
If someone started telling me I had to pay someone to put make up on me in a certain way - they'd get a raised eyebrow and an "In your dreams" - at that point, it just wouldn't be open to debate. Same as 5 days of partying - I don't understand why you didn't just say to her a the time - "You do realise that people have their own lives going on and won't be able to afford either the money or the time to go on this, don't you?"
You need to explain to her that you are thrilled she asked you to be bridesmaid, but, ultimately, her wedding is NOT the whole of your life, and that you won't be doing x,y,or z (whatever seems most OTT), and that she has the choice of having you as a bridesmaid or not, but, keeping in mind the fact she's already lost one bridesmaid, she might want to think about who is being rational here.