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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ex texting every day

34 replies

Fruityfruitfruit · 10/01/2015 08:25

Split up with husband, we have two children.
He texts very day asking how they are and what they've been up to etc.
Is it unreasonable to ask him to stop texting every day and that I will fill him in a couple of times a week or if many thing happens to them I will let him know.
I'm trying to move on and don't feel like I can with him constantly texting.

OP posts:
Blackout234 · 10/01/2015 08:27

What is he asking about all in all? If its as you described and just about the children YABU. However if he's asking after you or wanting to know about YOU then YANBU.

Kittymum03 · 10/01/2015 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 10/01/2015 08:37

Are the children old enough to talk on the phone? Can you agree he calls them every evening instead?

If they're still very young though, then I think YABU. He should be able to ask about his DC - it must be awful having to ask about them by text when you're used to seeing them everyday.

Sirzy · 10/01/2015 08:39

Yabu, it must be hard for him to get used to not seeing them daily so I don't think a daily text is a lot to ask

NewYearsHangoversHurtAlot · 10/01/2015 09:23

yabvu theyre his children too and I bet if he had custody you'd be doing the same

My ex phones my dc every night and has done for years. Perhaps suggest that to him so it's not as intrusive to you.

champtastic · 10/01/2015 09:39

Depends a bit on your reasons for splitting up. My ex was very controlling and used texts and phone calls to carry on the control therefore I stopped replying unless there was anything he specifically needed to know.

Also, are the children old enough to speak/text him themselves? Taking yourself out of the equation may be your best bet if possible.

Cabrinha · 10/01/2015 10:16

Just stop replying?
If it's a control thing, tell him not to.
If he's a good man and dad and just adjusting to missing his kids, either speak to him to reduce it or slow down the speed of your response?

wewishyou · 10/01/2015 10:44

Maybe the children should go live with him and then you'll see how funny it is to not see your DC every day... YBVVVVU and selfish

He must miss them a lot.

TheFecklessFairy · 10/01/2015 12:12

Try living without your kids for a week and see how YOU feel.

TheIronGnome · 10/01/2015 12:37

I agree with kitty, just send a text every day giving him all the information, maybe then you'll feel less like you're being harassed by messages, but he'll still get his info.

I think it's lovely he wants to continue to participate so much in the children's lives. You had children together- you can move on perfectly well without cutting him out of your their lives.

VivienneRuns · 10/01/2015 14:50

Yabu, he misses them, put yourself in his position.

TidyDancer · 10/01/2015 15:06

Unless you have reason to believe he is doing it to control you (and I have to assume you would've said if he is) then I think YABU. It must be very hard to not be with your DCs on a daily basis. Unless he's really pestering you then I think this isn't much to ask of you.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2015 15:06

It depends a lot on why the marriage ended. If it was a basic incompatiblity and is fairly amicable, then his behaviour is not unreasonable: he misses his kids.
However, if you had to get rid of him because he was abusive and controlling, it's understandable that you need to cut down on his access to you.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/01/2015 15:10

YABU. I can't be away from my DS for about 6 hours without ringing to see how he is. Your ex must miss your children so much so have some sympathy for him and respond to his messages.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 10/01/2015 16:43

YABVU, if you don't want daily contact with the other parent then let him have custody and you can have whatever contact you like then. Imagine not being able to see your child every day, men get a very raw deal in a split.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2015 17:35

|Oh FFS, there is a moderately strong possibility that OP ended the marriage because this man was abusive and controlling, therefore his constant texting is not about missing his kids but about continuing to harass her.
Given that OP hasn't said, yet, do you think some of you could hold back on jumping all over someone who may be in an anxious, stressed state already? It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive man in the face of mundanes handwringing and whining and telling you to 'give him a chance' and 'can't you compromise'.

AlpacaMyBags · 10/01/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 10/01/2015 17:43

YANBU

of course he misses the children but if they are old enough he can text/ring them and if not maybe you can set up Skype or FaceTime at set times

If he knows the children are safe and well and that you'll get in touch with any concerns then texting you every day serves no purpose and if it is upsetting you then yes cut the contact back

OriginalGreenGiant · 10/01/2015 19:21

Solidgoldbrass...there's no suggestion at all in the op that she's ended it because he was abusive.

Some people just split Hmm

Original poster
Fruityfruitfruit · 10/01/2015 19:23

He chose to walk out and leave us. He's never bothered with his children, Father's Day he spent getting pissed in the pub, not a second thought to his kids. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.
I don't mind him asking how they are, I will tell him they are fine and say briefly what they have done that day. But it's the numerous texts afterwards, demanding every little detail, what they had for lunch, where they have been, what they had for tea, who they have seen that day, what time did they go to bed etc.
I have no intentions of cutting him out of their lives, I have no reason to, although he never bothered them, he was never abusive to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruityfruitfruit · 10/01/2015 19:36

Oh and men get a raw deal in a split? I am now a single parent of two children and homeless, whilst he swans around getting pissed with his mates and taking people back to my house for party's.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 10/01/2015 19:48

Fruity you could block his number but I accept that has consequences. You could also buy a really cheap phone give him that number and use it for contact. Tell him you will send weekly or whatever updates and ignore the rest.

Original poster
Fruityfruitfruit · 10/01/2015 19:49

Also, he has gone weeks without seeing his kids due to the nature of his jobs, I didn't get daily texts asking about them then, only since we have separated.
I just don't know how to deal with it I guess. Wish he'd cared this much when we were together Hmm

OP posts:
SaucyMare · 10/01/2015 19:52

I know thus isnt exactky the same as OH works away but the kids skype with daddy evety morning, the youngest who is only 3 and can't really talk on the phone loves it.

I go and have a shower.

So conversation without your involvement.
If he is as bad as you say he will soon get bored with this solution.
But you have the moral high ground, in any complaints.

BathshebaDarkstone · 10/01/2015 19:57

It would drive me nuts, maybe you could text him every evening once they're in bed? Smile