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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not contact ex when have baby

42 replies

ghostspirit · 07/01/2015 20:33

im 24 weeks pregnant. ex last bothered to ask about baby when i was 14 weeks. I sent him a couple of how are you type messages and also offered for him to go to 20 week scan with me. he never came to the scan. and he has never asked about pregnancy/baby. im thinking if he was that bothered he would at least ask. or do i tell him when baby is born then leave the ball in his court. he done a runner 3 times when i was first pregnant... then i ended the relationship...

OP posts:
seaoflove · 07/01/2015 20:35

I think you wouldn't be unreasonable to not bother. Ball is in his court - he knows how to contact you.

brokenhearted55a · 07/01/2015 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitelikely · 07/01/2015 20:37

What's the point. His silence is your answer.

Likes others have said he's got your details.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 07/01/2015 20:39

He may change after the baby is born and want to have a relationship with the child but not yourself.

It doesn't sound like a serious relationship before the split so he may be in denial.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 07/01/2015 20:43

he wanted a relationship with me but did not want the child. and i would not abort.

then he said he has got over the shock of a baby bla bla... but then he was not being very nice to my other children. and thats partly why i ended the relationship

OP posts:
ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 07/01/2015 20:50

Yuck how awful. No I wouldn't contact him either. He's got your number, it's not your job to go chasing round after him, you've got enough to do actually looking after your children, including his, not that he appreciates it, the sod. xx

Littlef00t · 07/01/2015 21:23

I'd retain the moral high ground by messaging him the week after the baby is born with barest details.

He can't use lack of info etc against you in the future then.

FrogIsATwat · 07/01/2015 21:29

I agree with little
Don't tell him any sooner. You will need to prioritise your recovery and focus on baby

Homepride1 · 07/01/2015 21:32

ghostspirit Congrats on your pregnancy!

I could of nearly wrote your post myself! I have a 15 week old baby and I actually wish I had just walked away and not bothered with her dad from the start!

When I got pregnant he made it clear he didn't want the baby..... Even gave some crap about if I got rid we could get married and try for baby in few years!!!! WTF the whole pregnancy was awful, he was a twat, didn't show interest didn't come to scan etc and we split a few time but I always ended up giving him another chance because I was trying to do what was best for the baby... Or so I thought!

Since dd arrived it's been awful lots of issues he couldn't even be arsed to come and register her (which actually now is a good thing) and I have finished it with him once and for all!

I know he is not going a be a big part of her life, but also know he won't walk away totally, his family know about her and he will need to save face and put in half a effort but I honestly wish at the beginning of the pregnancy when is was dam right fucking nasty and tried to force me to get rid that I just walked away from him then and just went it alone, he didn't deserve the chances I have given him!

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 07/01/2015 22:07

Is he on your facebook? Then he can find out when everyone else does if he hasn't contacted you beforehand.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 07/01/2015 22:08

thanks homepride the selfish part of me really cant be bothered with the complications of it and i just want to forget he even exists. im 99% he would walk away. but i sort of feel i should be seen as doing the right thing... gosh i sound a cow :/ even if he does bother it will be short lived. what i find mad is hes bloody 47 years old ffs. i guess what will be....

OP posts:
Homepride1 · 07/01/2015 22:55

Yeah my baby dad is nearly 40! It appears he just can't cope with the whole pregnancy, family thing I'm starting to see why now his first marriage ended just a few months after the birth of his first child!

You don't need to worry about doing the right thing! He is the one behaving awfully, you just do what's right for yourself and your children

SaucyJack · 07/01/2015 23:03

Will you be sending out a group text birth announcement?

If so, it would be the courteous thing to include him in it.

Don't go out of your way to engage him tho.

honeyimholmes · 07/01/2015 23:05

I left ds's dad when i was 28 weeks. His parting gift was to steal the savings I had for the baby. Never saw nor heard from him again.
Ds is almost 22 now. The best decision I ever made was to not put his name on the birth certificate and go it alone. When I met dh it made adopting DS so much easier.

I came to the conclusion I couldn't force him to be a father and I'm bloody glad I didn't try.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 08/01/2015 07:42

thats what im thinking as well why should i push him to be a father. like you say cant force him. and fact of would probably indicate it wont even last... im just going to leave it up to him if he contacts me i will speak to him. if not thats his choice

OP posts:
Homepride1 · 08/01/2015 10:51

ghostspirit I think that's sound like the best thing to do! I don't actually know yet what my ex will do, I don't think he will walk away totally because he wouldn't want to be seen as a arse but I also know he will not be interested in making the time to bother that much with the baby, when it comes to having to drive 40 miles to see his dd or time in the pub sadly the beer will win every time!

I actually hope he just does walk away as I think it will make things better in the long run, he is never going to be a positive influence in her life, she will never be able to have unsupervised contact or go in his car with him as I don't trust that he would put her and her safety before drinking!

It took me a while see it for myself but to talk to him you would think he is the best dad in the world to his older DS but in fact he isn't and half the issues/behavior/attitude his DS has is sue to ex not being a consistent part of his life. Ex would regularly cancel contact days before he was hanging from the night before or if he didn't he would spend the whole contact day under a quilt on the sofa suffering while his son just had to sit around bored before taking him off to the pub for a few hours before dropping him home.

I'm just counting my lucky stars at the moment that he couldn't be arsed to bother turning up to register her, at least that way he has no right and it will make things easier

wishmiplass · 08/01/2015 11:02

Two words, OP. Fuck him.

I had a similar situation with DC1's biological father. 9 years on and he's had no meaningful part in DC's life. DC is none the worse for it and I'm all the better. As for not being very nice to your other children... I repeat, fuck him. Good luck and stay strong. x

fluffymouse · 08/01/2015 11:45

You have no obligation to contact him once baby is born.

For the sake of your child, I would however send him a text to inform him once baby is born. It is then up to him, and you don't need to contact him again.

When your child later asks where his daddy is, at least when he is old enough you can tell the truth.

fedupbutfine · 08/01/2015 12:38

You should tell him when the baby is born - in your own time, doesn't have to be immediately but certainly within a few days. Just send a text or e-mail if you can - saying baby X born, weight, date. And leave it at that. He can't then accuse you of leaving him out of the loop, of not having known etc. If he's not interested, it won't make a blind bit of difference either way.

honeyimholmes · 08/01/2015 14:21

my situation was a little different in that DS's Dad had criminal convictions for all sorts of things. I was young and stupid.
I saw the light eventually thank god.

I met DH when DS was 9 months and he treated him as a son from the first day they met really. We married when DS was 3 and he changed his name on the day I changed mine. DS has always know there is a 'father' out there but has no interest in him at all, he's never even asked for his name actually.

I did some snooping not long back and found his Dad, he lives in Ireland now, has 7 kids there, still doesn't work. As far as I know he has 3 kids here as well.
Lucky escape. I dread to think how my life could have gone.

JohnQuig · 08/01/2015 15:19

He's the father and has every right to know (I hate this mentality of 'oh he's just a bloke, fuck him!')

Just tell him when the baby is born and then leave the ball in his court - easy.

rumbleinthrjungle · 08/01/2015 16:15

He knows there is a baby. It's in his power to contact you any time he likes to get any information he wants. I'd leave it there and wouldn't actively chase him about anything. It's his child and he's a grown up, why should you have to spoon feed him?

browneyedgirl86 · 08/01/2015 16:18

If I was in your position I would tell him once the baby is born with a simple text/email. Puts the ball back into his court and then you can tell your child years down the line when they ask about their father that you did contact him and give them the chance to know their child.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 08/01/2015 16:52

yeah im just torn between the stuff you and letting him know. then i think wtf should i contact him. but then i also know thats bit childish on my part

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 08/01/2015 16:56

DO text him when the baby arrives (well, within a few days; when you feel up to it). Other than that, ignore him and don't put him on the birth certificate (as you are unmarried, you can't do so without him being present anyway but don't chase him for that. As he is a cock, you are better off keeping him at a distance rather than allowing him to appear at any time and demand access a s a way of annoying you.