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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want friend's ex at wedding?

41 replies

Promethium · 04/01/2015 19:01

Hi all, DP and I are currently discussing guest list for our wedding. My friend has split up from her ex but they have three kids together (well they will do, she's pregnant with no3). He's a useless fecker - her words, not mine - and never does anything with the kids. She struggles financially because he's never paid a single penny towards the kids, CMS can't help as he's unemployed and refuses to claim JSA (he lives with his parents for free). But for some reason, she still wants him to come to my wedding. I can't stand the guy, from what she's told me, he's been abusive (both sexually and emotionally) right throughout their entire relationship. I know it's so hard cutting ties with someone who was abusive (I know because I've been there) and it must be so much harder when there are kids involved, but I really don't want him there. AIBU? If I am I'll suck it up, invite him and just be polite to him for her sake, but I'd really rather not tbh. I've sort of hinted I don't want him there, even offered to invite her parents if she wants help with the kids, but she's adamant they'll be getting on well enough for him to come. Tbh I'm not even sure how to bring it up with her. I'm probably just being unreasonable though aren't i?

OP posts:

Trazzletoes · 04/01/2015 19:04

I'd say your wedding, your rules. They aren't even together so I wouldn't invite him if I were you. Plus you don't actuslly like him.

Eustasiavye · 04/01/2015 19:06

Yanbu.

It's your wedding and you do not have to invite him.

Leeds2 · 04/01/2015 19:08

I wouldn't invite him.

LadyLuck10 · 04/01/2015 19:08

She still wants him to come because she probably has intentions of getting back with him. Isn't this obvious from first telling you all the gory details of their relationship to now being ok with being around this person?
I wouldn't get in the middle of this one. If she wants him there invite him.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 04/01/2015 19:15

When is the wedding? Is it far enough away for her to have changed her mind/ gotten over him a bit more by then? If you just invite her and a 'plus one' then you're not inviting him as such and you can hope she chooses someone else before the wedding?

Original poster

Promethium · 04/01/2015 19:16

lady I think you're right about her wanting to get back with him. I think I find it hard as I can see she deserves so much better than him. Of course, I don't know all the details and we only ever get a one sided version but I've seen with my own eyes how he is and the guy gives me the creeps tbh.

Not sure what to do tbh. Finances isn't an issue and it's not a case of needing to stop him coming because of that - after all he's only one person and I've offered to invite her parents which would be two, I just really don't like the guy and neither does DP. DP thinks I should say he can't come but I don't want to make waves with my friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Promethium · 04/01/2015 19:18

whatamistake in theory there's enough time but I can't see her changing her mind about him tbh, he's been the same useless fecker since her first DC was born 6 years ago.

Perhaps like you suggest a simple plus one is the best way to go about it and we'll just have to suck it up if she does choose to bring him.

OP posts:

RaisingMen · 04/01/2015 19:19

I agree with you, but if you don't invite him you risk her not attending either. Which would you prefer, her being there but he attends or her not attending at all?

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2015 19:26

Could you continue to discuss it with the person you are actually marrying, and then just send the invites out [not for him]. Then if she mentions it, say 'You aren't in a relationship, and he is a cunt' and leave it at that. If she doesn't come then that's her look out.

Trills · 04/01/2015 19:32

'You aren't in a relationship, and he is a cunt

Yes.

If they were in a relationship you might have to put up with him fr her sake.

They are not in a relationship, you don't like him, why would you invite him?

I would say this to her plainly.

Whether they are "getting on well enough" for him to be there would only be relevant if you DID like him and DID want him around

Viviennemary · 04/01/2015 19:37

If you put x plus partner then you can't really stop her from bringing who she likes. I'd put x plus parents names and don't mention him so he's not invited. if you feel strongly. But does it really matter to you whether he comes or not as long as he won't be trouble on the day.

WooWooOwl · 04/01/2015 19:41

Are you giving other friends the option to bring a partner? If you are, or if you would allow him to come if they were still together, then I think you have to let him come or not invite any of them.

It is not your place to judge their relationship, they may well consider themselves still to be a family unit.

Original poster

Promethium · 04/01/2015 19:42

That's just it vivienne he won't cause trouble exactly but he'll make things more stressful for my friend, he always does.

Lol at ribena! I've called him all sorts in the past, she knows I can't stand him yet she still wants him to come. May just have to put my foot down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Promethium · 04/01/2015 19:43

woowoo we will be inviting friends partners who are married or in my cousins case living together and in a ltr. I know it's not my place but she's constantly bitching about him, saying she can't stand him but at same time saying he wants him to come :S

OP posts:

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 04/01/2015 20:08

If you don't like him tell her not to bring him.
A friend brought someone I loathed to my wedding and I still feel annoyed thinking of his smug fucking face and that I had to be polite to him.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 04/01/2015 20:35

Please do not invite your friends abuser to your wedding.

It will do her no good and will leave a sour taste in your mouth regarding your day.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 04/01/2015 20:56

Don't invite him. Don't have someone like this at your wedding, his presence will ruin it. Go with what people have said above about not inviting him because they aren't in a relationship and he's a shit.

Original poster

Promethium · 04/01/2015 22:00

Oh gosh nottthekitchenagain speaking of smug faces reminds me of this guy and I just want to punch that smug grin off his face!

Thanks all for saying I'm not BU. I didn't know if I was as I know how difficult it is to leave someone who's abusive and I don't want to make things worse for her.

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/01/2015 22:15

I would tell her that you want her there and to have fun, and you know she wont have fun with him there, you dont want him to come.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 04/01/2015 22:18

I think this is one of the times you do put yourself first.

She wants him there because she doesn't want to be embarrassed and look different, with everyone else in couples.

That's not more important than you, on your wedding day, wanting to be true to who you want to celebrate with you. Out of the two of you, she can get to be put out on YOUR wedding day. All the more so as it's not as if he's a fine guy who you just don't like - he's an abuser.

'Sorry X but I am not prepared to invite Y. I would like to look back on the day knowing that the people I had there were people I felt genuinely close to and wanted there, and you know that's not the case with Y, and my wedding day is one day that I don't want to have to pretend to anyone. I don't want to be wondering whether he's going to make the day awkward for you and I would like to, and plan to, invite your parents instead. I hope you understand.'

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 04/01/2015 22:19

Imagine the hassle of getting blood out of your wedding dress!
Good luck with the wedding plans and hopefully she'll understand.
I bet he's been hassling her for an invite.

Hassled · 04/01/2015 22:24

What Brian said. Stick to your guns - because in 10/30/50 years' time when you're looking at your wedding photos and see him looking smug in the Big Group Photo it will still annoy you, and that's just not what a wedding should be about.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2015 22:44

Just put your friends name on the invite only, that should give her the message.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2015 22:45

and send a separate invite to her parents if you want them to come.

BathshebaDarkstone · 05/01/2015 04:25

I agree that you shouldn't invite him. Just invite your friend and explain why.

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