To not want friend's ex at wedding?

[Promethium]

Hi all, DP and I are currently discussing guest list for our wedding. My friend has split up from her ex but they have three kids together (well they will do, she's pregnant with no3). He's a useless fecker - her words, not mine - and never does anything with the kids. She struggles financially because he's never paid a single penny towards the kids, CMS can't help as he's unemployed and refuses to claim JSA (he lives with his parents for free). But for some reason, she still wants him to come to my wedding. I can't stand the guy, from what she's told me, he's been abusive (both sexually and emotionally) right throughout their entire relationship. I know it's so hard cutting ties with someone who was abusive (I know because I've been there) and it must be so much harder when there are kids involved, but I really don't want him there. AIBU? If I am I'll suck it up, invite him and just be polite to him for her sake, but I'd really rather not tbh. I've sort of hinted I don't want him there, even offered to invite her parents if she wants help with the kids, but she's adamant they'll be getting on well enough for him to come. Tbh I'm not even sure how to bring it up with her. I'm probably just being unreasonable though aren't i?

YANBU - you really shouldn't have to suck it up and have someone you loathe at your wedding.

You are going out of your way to accommodate her (offering to invite her parents), she should meet you part-way. Brian puts it very eloquently!

This is your wedding, not hers.

Why are you feeling bad and pussy-footing around her, but she doesn't feel the least bit bad, and pussy-foot around you?

Why does she think she can tell you who to invite to your own wedding? She doesn't care how you feel.

I would invite her, and her parents, and leave it at that.

Exactly, this is YOUR special day, she should be respecting that! Send the invite to just her, tell her you don't want him there. If she doesent come, that's her choice, nothing to feel bad about.

Give her a +1 invitation and leave her to it. She defended herself to the point of splitting up with him, it's her choice if she continues with that. Not something for you to get heavily involved in.
When I look back at my wedding photos there are all sorts of people that I'm not keen on included, either I wasn't that keen on them before the event but they were attached to someone I liked, or we've parted company since. It just doesn't matter. Don't fixate so much one one individual.

No don't give her a +1 invitation. This is your special day, as a friend she should respect that. Friendship works two ways, you are accommodating her parents. You don't want to look back on your album and resent him there. She doesent like him, speaking badly of him. No don't, you only get one shot of your day.

It's your wedding and its not her place to dictate who you invite. She wants to get back with him and thinks a wedding will kick start that. Either invite her on her own or don't invite her at all.

Don't invite, tell her you don't like him and you aren't giving her a +1 invite. However, be prepared she might not come.

Another thought, you said he's abusive, could he have told she's not allowed to go without him and will make her life harder if she goes without him? Abused woman go to silly lengths to placate abusive men, even after they have officially split up and it shouldn't be anything to do with their exp any more. Old habits die hard, even more so when there's abuse involved.

That could well be Mary, but for op one special day I would not be prepared to have him there, but be there for your friend in other ways, be supportive.

Oh I agree, even if that's the reason, don't invite him, just be prepared for her not to come because of it. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about your wedding, more that she can't break away just yet.

He'll be in the photos if he's there. Don't do it...

yet she still wants him to come.

Well, it isn't up to her is it? It is up to you.

Nope don't invite him, they aren't together. The last thing you want on your wedding day is to be worried about your friend.

Invite her parents so she has some support, if she doesn't come that is her choice. You shouldn't pander to her demands on this matter.

If she needs help with the kids at the wedding, surely the solution is to not invite her kids? Make your wedding childfree and invite just her. Or only invite family children, if a no kids wedding is against your wishes.

Or, as she is clearly an annoying friend, why not just NOT invite her?

Despite immense family pressure, I refused to invite my aunt's husband, a violent and manipulative abuser. She declined to attend, which was the risk I took. I don't regret my decision. I didn't want to look around the room and see anyone who made me feel angry or, worse, had a history of hurting people I love. Nor will you. Just send the invitation to her, no plus one.

So basically your friend wants you to help facilitate getting back together with her abusive, non paying ex by your compromising your own wedding?

That would be a big fat no in my book.

If she knows you don't like him then just say no you dont want him there. It would be different if you had kept your feelings to yourself.