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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad for my children?

36 replies

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 08:58

Both DHs parents and my mum died in our teens, and I lost my dad 3 years ago.

As a result, our DS has no memories of him and DD never met him.

I never used to feel like they are missing out but at this time of year with big extended families I feel like they are.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:

arlagirl · 24/12/2014 09:04

Well reading threads on here about IL issues at this time of the year, I'd count your blessings!
Similar situation....my parents died a long time ago. H is virtually nc with most of his family.
I used to be very envious of those friends with hands on lovely parents and siblings....but the idyll of different generations roasting chestnuts at Xmas is not a reality for many.

H and I are divorcing...so next year it will just be me and the kids. But do you know...we will have a great time.

chickydoo · 24/12/2014 09:04

You are not alone my DC only have one grandparent, my father who is 80, and not involved at all.
DH's parents & my mother died some time ago.
I have friends in their 30's & 40's who still have their Grandparents, let alone their parents. This time of year makes it harder, my youngest child is 9, he does miss out I think. For You

wheresthelight · 24/12/2014 09:05

My mil died when dd was 9 weeks old so I do empathise with how you feel as it's gutting that my dsc's had a fantastic relationship with her and dd will never have that or memories of her.

however, we have pictures of her and we talk about her (dd is only 16 months) but she recognises her from pictures at fil's.

my parents are still alive so she will get to know them.

can you maybe contact a local volunteers centre or residential home as some do link ups for people with no family and maybe you can adopt a grandparent or three so they get that extended experience and in turn you will be cheering up a lonely elderly person too?

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:10

Arla I am very shocked by your post. Count our blessings that DH was orphaned at 17 and that my mother died when she wasn't even fifty and my dad was barely in his sixties? I understand that sometimes people say things without thinking but I am actually here! and I look like that too! You are a nasty, tactless woman and I do not think your post was remotely appropriate.

Chicky thank you I know exactly how you feel - I am only 33 and I don't know anyone else who has lost both parents so for both DH and myself to have lost both seems so unlucky for want of a better word!

Wheresthelight thank you also. I think the emphasis on this time of year being about family makes me sad I've lost mine and the DCs have too.

OP posts:

500Decibels · 24/12/2014 09:11

It's because you've lost lovely people that you feel like this.
It is sad but don't feel sad for your dcs. They don't know what they're missing out on so won't feel affected.

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:13

I'm not sure, 500. Obviously they don't have that sense of personal loss but DS does 'notice' the lack of extended family, as it were. We also notice it when doing wills for example - we haven't a clue who to name as carers for the children and since we both lost parents young this is important.

OP posts:

Candidconfessions · 24/12/2014 09:13

I'm currently ttc number 1. I lost both parents when I was at uni. Christmas still hurts for me . Every month when thinking about possibly falling pregnant I massively miss not having mum. it breaks my heart the my kids and DH will never meet my DM and DD. I'm truly grateful that DH has a stable family and two involved parents. Don't get me wrong, my in laws drive me batty And Christmas with them is driving me to drink (and we haven't got there yet...) but at least any kids I have will know them and have a relationship with them. Big hugs OP, it's not easy.

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:14

I'm so sorry for your loss Candid. I had awful PND - take care as the loss of a mother in childhood or adolescence is apparently a major cause of post partum depression.

OP posts:

arlagirl · 24/12/2014 09:15

Oh don't be so ridiculous haphazard.

My parents died at that age too.

My point is that extended families do not always bring automatic joy.

HoHonutty · 24/12/2014 09:16

Christmas is a very difficult time for lots of people. I'm sure that your DCs will have a lovely Christmas anyway.

It's very sad that you have both lost your family members do young. [Flowers]

I was also a bit shocked at Arlas post but think she was trying to say something nice but it's come out all wrong.

wheresthelight · 24/12/2014 09:17

I don't think Arla meant it as nasty but if you spend enough time on here there is a disproportionate amount of anti inlaw posts

Christmas is very much a time of family. I lost my grandad on the 22nd December and even though it was 13 years ago it still smarts as he loved big family Christmas meals and the hullabaloo in his house.

but they clearly have loving parents or you wouldn't be posting. and at the end of the day I strongly believe in the saying about friends being the family you choose for yourself so you can still show them the extended experience.

my best friend and her husband are aunty and uncle to dd, I have 2 very close friends fro. a baby activity group who are both aunty as I am to their babies. as well as very close friends of my parents. Dp also has a massive hoard of cousins and we see one of them in particular very regularly and although she is dd's cousin she is in her 60's so is always aunty

i appreciate that it isn't the same but it dies help

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:18

Arla you told me to 'count my blessings' that I didn't have ILs - I'm certainly not being ridiculous by thinking this was a crass and insensitive comment and calling you on it.

I obviously regret you lost parents young too, but that does not explain or justify such a remark which at best was hugely lacking in tact and at worst was downright cruel, not to mention irrelevant as there was nothing in my post about the joys ILs would bring.

OP posts:

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 09:26

haphazard I think you need to concentrate on the many positive features of your life rather than making over yourself miserable over the impossible what might have beens.

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:28

Gosh, I'm not "making myself miserable" over "might have beens"; I've started ONE thread feeling a BIT sad for my children.

That's it.

OP posts:

Reekypear · 24/12/2014 09:30

Hmm I think it's about your sadness. My DC have similar situation and don't bat an eyelid. It's all about parents IMO.

GingerbreadPudding · 24/12/2014 09:32

I had one gran growing up. She was grumpy. I hated having to see her. We had no other family. Can honestly say I didn't mind

Iggity · 24/12/2014 09:35

I suppose it depends on what you feel they are specifically missing out on. My DS's grandparents are in another country and we don't have any family where we currently live so no Christmas with extended family etc. In fact there never has been. When I was growing up, it was just immediate family. Grandparents had died and even if still alive, we wouldn't have been celebrating Christmas with them, not because of any feud but just because we never did. Losing your parents young is tough so am sorry to hear that but I think not having grandparents around for Christmas is not that uncommon.

Original poster

haphazardbystarlight · 24/12/2014 09:35

Reeky, my DD certainly doesn't bat an eyelid as she is only 8 months :)

DS is, as I have said, aware he doesn't have grandparents aunts or uncles. We live in a rural community where most of the children in his class at school have at least two generations living in the village. He isn't distressed by it but he is aware of it.

For my part I just really feel it at times and don't know why. I feel very alone and unhappy and generally low - don't have a dig, I haven't let it show which is why I'm talking about it on here. It means it is the two of us dealing with everything, and yes there are positives to that but when your DH is being an arse or when you just need someone sympathetic and close to you - it can just be difficult. Or I find it so anyway.

OP posts:

Iggity · 24/12/2014 09:39

haphazard, my DS is an only child and always will be. A different situation but I understand what you are saying. I feel the loneliness sometimes that I hope he will never feel.

Candidconfessions · 24/12/2014 09:39

My sadness is from missing my DM and DD myself but also knowing that they (due to who they both were) would have been engaged, involved and sensitive grandparents (not like some). I loved having a relationship with my grandparents and would have been sad not to have had that, and I expect my kids would feel the gap that they they don't have what others do - it's only natural to be wistful for what could have been. I think some of you need to cut OP (and me) some slack. Have some Christmas kindness all of you.

WooWooOwl · 24/12/2014 09:40

I don't think Arla meant her post in a nasty way, remember you are probably feeling extra sensitive. Very nearly all of us in this country have blessings to count if we try, but I am sorry that you are feeling the loss of your children's grandparents so strongly just now.

My children have two grandmothers, one of whom lost her own mother this year (so they lost their only great grandparent) and the other has left the country for Christmas with a few other family members on her side because she can't face another Christmas at home without her husband who she lost a few years ago. My children only vaguely remember their Grandad on their Dads side, and they never got to meet their grandad on my side as he went when I was still a teenager.

This year my children also lost their wonderful step father, my husband, and they are old enough to understand just how huge these losses are to the few of us that are left here this Christmas Day. It's going to be horribly hard work all round, but there are still blessings to count. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to cope with Christmas at all.

This time of year is so incredibly difficult for anyone who is missing someone significant in their lives. I hope you and your DH manage to make the best of it for each other, and for your children Haphazard.

wheresthelight · 24/12/2014 09:40

so this is more about how you are feeling about it than your kids.

I think k you need to find some decent friends you can turn to for those "dh is being an arse" rants. ime they are far more productive than rants at family!

have you considered bereavement counselling?

Reekypear · 24/12/2014 09:41

Hope you feel better soonx

500Decibels · 24/12/2014 09:44

Op of course you're going to feel it. I lost my dad and feel it every day. I feel sad that he never met any grandchildren and vice versa.
You've lost both parents. It must be hard and anyone will understand that you feel sad about this.
Some people are telling you that you should have a more 'get on with it attitude'. Of course you have to as it's not like you have any choice in the matter but you are allowed to feel sad from time to time.
It's totally normal.

PossumPoo · 24/12/2014 09:47

Sorry Arla but that was a shit thing to say, regardless of your situation.

OP is sad and you say count your blessings? There's a time for humour and you misjudged it.

OP not remotely the same, but we are a long way from both sets of GP so i can see where you're coming from

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