To feel sad for my children?

[haphazardbystarlight]

Both DHs parents and my mum died in our teens, and I lost my dad 3 years ago.

As a result, our DS has no memories of him and DD never met him.

I never used to feel like they are missing out but at this time of year with big extended families I feel like they are.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

[haphazardbystarlight]

Thank you for supportive messages.

I do feel I should answer a few points. Firstly, I don't as a rule sit around weeping and wailing and feeling hard done by. However, I do feel a passing sadness, an ache, especially at this time of year. I have only just turned 33 and it is unusual to have lost both parents on both sides for us and I 'feel' it. Not just for the DCs but for them too - my mum would have LOVED being 'nana.'

My husband works for the NHS and Christmas Day is often just me and the children and I don't mind but it is lonely.

I do have friends and I have had counselling. One of the things that came out of counselling was to 'let' myself feel stuff. I'm "allowed" to feel unhappy from time to time and a bit weepy and tearful. As well as both parents I also lost my brother, to suicide, so I have had a lot of grief in my life.

I don't doubt the first response was clunkily phrased but if you knew what your husband had gone through to say 'count your blessings' was awful and I wouldn't have minded at all if the response had been 'oh sorry didn't mean it like that' but it wasn't. There's no doubt being left alone at 17 impacted on DH and I am frightened of the same thing happening to our lovely children.

Seasons greetings to all especially those who have lost loved ones.

[YouCanDoItNow]

I feel like we dont have enough relatives too.

[SamCroClaus]

yanbu
i always feel sad that my dm never met my kids and that my PIL only knew them for a short tims.
I feel even sadder when I see the DM slag off threads.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Oh haphazard. I know how much this time of year brings into sharp focus the people who should be here.

I can see why what arla said struck a nerve, I don't think she meant it quite as you read it. More count your blessings, your ds, your dd, your dh, your warm safe home and your happy memories of loving parents.

Fwiw I shall spend 90% of christmas alone with a 2yo with additional needs, caring as usual and trying to make it christmas. My mum will pop in to eat and the rush home to her dogs

My dds entire family outside if that consist of my exils who will all spend christmas together, cousins and brothers and sisters, grandparents etc but we are not invited because their son is violent and dangerous and sees his dd when he can be bothered at a contact centre.
They do see dd but they don't like to be too involved as they don't want to be disloyal to their son.

Merry ducking christmas

[florentina1]

Haphazardbystarlight, I really feel for you. Sometimes we want some one to hug us and tell us we have a special place in their life. Loving parents are perfect for that and this time of year brings it home more than at any over.

My only regret in life is that my kids and my grandkids never knew the amazing person that was my dad. I have tried to live my life exactly as he would have wanted it.

My reward now is to see my sons an my daughter living their lives in a way that would have made him so proud. My grandchildren have the benefit of his mild and gentle nature, his lovely sense of humour and dreadful singing voice reflected in their own parents.

I am sure you talk to your children about your parents and they will hopefully get a feel for what they were like. No substitute for the reall thing I know. It is over 40 years since my dad died and I miss him every day.

[moonrocket]

YABslightlyU- children don't miss what they've never had.
Their experience of childhood is normality for them. They'll have a great christmas I'm sure.

[PossumPoo]

Lots of posters missing the point. Haphazard said she found the post rude and thoughtless and instead of apologising Arla says oh well my DP are dead l can say hurtful things to you.

Why cant a poster apologise for being am insensitive twat twit??

[Babyroobs]

YANBU. My children have lost both their Grandma's suddenly over the past few years. My FIL is elderly and lives hundreds of miles away a doe my SIl who has no kids, neither of them ever want to visit us over Christmas. My db and his family also live miles away and due to both myself and SIL being Nurses and needing to work over the Christmas period it is always virtually impossible to meet up. The result is that we see no extended family over the Chritmas period and on the days I have to work my 4 kids will be home with my dh. At times it feels lonely and I really feel envious of others going to family gatherings & parties. I have to keep reminding myself that I am lucky to have my own family and won't be alone .

[NCIS]

I never knew either set of GP's but didn't feel I missed out as a child even though most of my friends had large extended families.

[Topseyt]

I didn't read Arias post as intentionally nasty. More of a trying to say that it will be OK on the day. "Count your blessings" was a rather clumsy phrase to use, but we can all get that sort of thing wrong at times. It doesn't make us all nasty, insensitive people.

My husband has a real talent for putting his foot in his mouth. It is just things coming out wrongly, not that he is a nasty person.

I am very sorry you feel sad, but I am sure your children will have a great Christmas. Christmas is hard for many families for many different reasons. This year will be my husband's first one without either of his parents being around.

Hope you all manage to have a good Christmas.

[manchestermummy]

YANBU at all and I think it is family situations like this that make me feel rather cross at this time of year that some families will behave atrociously.

My dad's mum died before I was born; his mum when I was four. Mum's not British and her family live 1000s of miles away. Dad goes through periods of not speaking to his extended family and they too live miles away in any case.

So when people turn Christmas into a Big Deal, a time when decency seems to go out of the window and there is almost a tug of love, I feel sad for families like yours where there have been losses because I think you work harder to make it lovely and create your own traditions.

I an sorry that you are feeling this way, and wish you all the very best.

[PossumPoo]

Sorry Arla but that was a shit thing to say, regardless of your situation.

OP is sad and you say count your blessings? There's a time for humour and you misjudged it.

OP not remotely the same, but we are a long way from both sets of GP so i can see where you're coming from

[500Decibels]

Op of course you're going to feel it. I lost my dad and feel it every day. I feel sad that he never met any grandchildren and vice versa.
You've lost both parents. It must be hard and anyone will understand that you feel sad about this.
Some people are telling you that you should have a more 'get on with it attitude'. Of course you have to as it's not like you have any choice in the matter but you are allowed to feel sad from time to time.
It's totally normal.

[Reekypear]

Hope you feel better soonx

[wheresthelight]

so this is more about how you are feeling about it than your kids.

I think k you need to find some decent friends you can turn to for those "dh is being an arse" rants. ime they are far more productive than rants at family!

have you considered bereavement counselling?

[WooWooOwl]

I don't think Arla meant her post in a nasty way, remember you are probably feeling extra sensitive. Very nearly all of us in this country have blessings to count if we try, but I am sorry that you are feeling the loss of your children's grandparents so strongly just now.

My children have two grandmothers, one of whom lost her own mother this year (so they lost their only great grandparent) and the other has left the country for Christmas with a few other family members on her side because she can't face another Christmas at home without her husband who she lost a few years ago. My children only vaguely remember their Grandad on their Dads side, and they never got to meet their grandad on my side as he went when I was still a teenager.

This year my children also lost their wonderful step father, my husband, and they are old enough to understand just how huge these losses are to the few of us that are left here this Christmas Day. It's going to be horribly hard work all round, but there are still blessings to count. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to cope with Christmas at all.

This time of year is so incredibly difficult for anyone who is missing someone significant in their lives. I hope you and your DH manage to make the best of it for each other, and for your children Haphazard.

[Candidconfessions]

My sadness is from missing my DM and DD myself but also knowing that they (due to who they both were) would have been engaged, involved and sensitive grandparents (not like some). I loved having a relationship with my grandparents and would have been sad not to have had that, and I expect my kids would feel the gap that they they don't have what others do - it's only natural to be wistful for what could have been. I think some of you need to cut OP (and me) some slack. Have some Christmas kindness all of you.

[Iggity]

haphazard, my DS is an only child and always will be. A different situation but I understand what you are saying. I feel the loneliness sometimes that I hope he will never feel.

[haphazardbystarlight]

Reeky, my DD certainly doesn't bat an eyelid as she is only 8 months :)

DS is, as I have said, aware he doesn't have grandparents aunts or uncles. We live in a rural community where most of the children in his class at school have at least two generations living in the village. He isn't distressed by it but he is aware of it.

For my part I just really feel it at times and don't know why. I feel very alone and unhappy and generally low - don't have a dig, I haven't let it show which is why I'm talking about it on here. It means it is the two of us dealing with everything, and yes there are positives to that but when your DH is being an arse or when you just need someone sympathetic and close to you - it can just be difficult. Or I find it so anyway.

[Iggity]

I suppose it depends on what you feel they are specifically missing out on. My DS's grandparents are in another country and we don't have any family where we currently live so no Christmas with extended family etc. In fact there never has been. When I was growing up, it was just immediate family. Grandparents had died and even if still alive, we wouldn't have been celebrating Christmas with them, not because of any feud but just because we never did. Losing your parents young is tough so am sorry to hear that but I think not having grandparents around for Christmas is not that uncommon.

[GingerbreadPudding]

I had one gran growing up. She was grumpy. I hated having to see her. We had no other family. Can honestly say I didn't mind

[Reekypear]

Hmm I think it's about your sadness. My DC have similar situation and don't bat an eyelid. It's all about parents IMO.

[haphazardbystarlight]

Gosh, I'm not "making myself miserable" over "might have beens"; I've started ONE thread feeling a BIT sad for my children.

That's it.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

haphazard I think you need to concentrate on the many positive features of your life rather than making over yourself miserable over the impossible what might have beens.

[haphazardbystarlight]

Arla you told me to 'count my blessings' that I didn't have ILs - I'm certainly not being ridiculous by thinking this was a crass and insensitive comment and calling you on it.

I obviously regret you lost parents young too, but that does not explain or justify such a remark which at best was hugely lacking in tact and at worst was downright cruel, not to mention irrelevant as there was nothing in my post about the joys ILs would bring.