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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be somewhat offended by this?

42 replies

myfurbyisalive · 23/12/2014 20:20

Long story shortish DP was showing me a group convo he has on FB with a few friends of his internationally. We started to scroll up to get to a joke that a friend had told him ages ago. Anyway scrolled way too far back and got to when DP and I had just started dating. One friend, lets call her S, tells the group DP has a new lady. Another friend asks what she (me) is like.

S replies 'shes a bloody darkie!!' with some ha ha ha's afterwords. I am mixed race, half black half white and really don't think that's an ok thing to say. I am not upset exactly but slightly deflated to think that of all the things S could have said, e.g. shes a lovely girl, she's pretty, etc, the only thing she considered to be of note about me was my skin colour. DP didn't say anything in response to it which also made me a bit Sad.

Hhmmm, AIBU? How would you feel?

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 23/12/2014 20:22

Fucking hell OP !! Absolutely right to be offended! What a bitch!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/12/2014 20:22

Yes that's pretty shit

SmallBee · 23/12/2014 20:23

I'd feel that S was a 'bloody racist!' If I did social with S I no longer would. That sort of attitude even in jest, is Never ok. It's just as bad as Nigel Farrage trying to 'defend' his 'chinky' comment.
S is an utter cuntweasel.
What did your OH say?

WaroftheRoses · 23/12/2014 20:23

Not on. Let's cover up the racist comment with some laughter. YANBU

KnackeredMerrily · 23/12/2014 20:24

Wow I'd be furious, and cross at DP.

Summerisle1 · 23/12/2014 20:24

I'd be more than somewhat offended. I'd be fucking livid! I'm astonished that people even have this word floating about somewhere in their vocabulary.

Cocolate · 23/12/2014 20:24

Deeply offended! I cannot imagine anyone I know using or even thinking those words. But it's friendly banter and I know I sometimes speak in a way I wouldn't always with some friends. It wasn't intended for your eyes (no excuse - still offensive) but hopefully she'll be mortified at showing off with such crass language.

BlackDaisies · 23/12/2014 20:25

I think that's shocking. I'm not surprised you are upset. It would also really bother me that my dp had said nothing at the time. Have you spoken to him about it?

Hatespiders · 23/12/2014 20:25

YANBU My dh is black but I would never have told people in the early days "He's a bloody darkie!" It's a very superficial thing to comment on, and a terrible way to express it!
.
But I wouldn't dwell on it. He maybe didn't see the remark as you do. Just make a mental note and ensure there's no real racism in him.

2cats2many · 23/12/2014 20:26

That's awful! You're well within your rights to be offended, angry and bloody upset.

mupperoon · 23/12/2014 20:27

She's a bloody racist! (and I don't like to fling that word around)

Shame your DP didn't pull her up on it. I would definitely be annoyed.

Marylou2 · 23/12/2014 20:28

Offended OP? That is a mild and polite word.I'd be bloody furious if I were you. Do you see this person IRL? Hope not!

MistAndAWeepingRain · 23/12/2014 20:29

It's racist and offensive. Of course YANBU to be upset.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2014 20:30

I'd be absolutely disgusted. Racism, pure and simple. I'd want to know why my partner hadn't challenged it.

Original poster
myfurbyisalive · 23/12/2014 20:31

She was someone we used to spend a lot of time with. DP lived with her in a house share too. She went back home to Aus earlier this year so not really an issue anymore as we won't see her.

I am quite pissed off DP didn't say anything to her in the convo. He did send her a PM saying don't talk about furby like that please but why couldn't he have said it in the group convo in front of his friends? Another friend who had met me and who we are both v close friends with now also didn't respond to her comment. They are both a bit cowardly, arent they?

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 23/12/2014 20:32

Yanbu what a pathetic way to describe someone.

I wouldn't be too bothered that dp didn't respond on FB I wouldn't even dignify that comment with an answer

TheFourthLobster · 23/12/2014 20:33

YANBU at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2014 20:33

That is horribal, I would question why DP did not say anything to her, or defend you.

CrapBag · 23/12/2014 20:37

YANBU. What the hell has your skin colour got to do with anything anyway!!

Your DP should have called her put on it on the group convo. Have you asked him about it? I'd be livid.

AskMeAnother · 23/12/2014 20:39

Racist. Sack them all. If she'd been saying, by way of explanation 'She's black', 'She's mixed race' or whatever, I might have been able to see it as just informative, but the 'bloody' and using the term 'darkie' - no, that's a racial slur. I'm sorry. It shouldn't happen.

Fuckmath · 23/12/2014 20:40

Jeez I can't believe no one pulled her up

If someone came out with that little "gem" in a group chat I would be asking wtf almost by reflex!

It's out of order, obviously. I would be questioning the decency of that person, clearly has some racist tendencies. It really is bloody weird that that is what she would even think to comment on [cofnsued] Shame your dp didn't stand up for you in the group but at least he did try to take her to task over pm.

Horrible thing to read for you Flowers

Trooperslane · 23/12/2014 20:41

Jesus. Might as well throw the n word in for good measure.

Disgusting and totally unacceptable.

AlpacaStockingOnChristmasEve · 23/12/2014 20:42

Darkie? [anger] I didn't know they had facebook back in the 70s...
Op, I'd be fucking furious.

AlpacaStockingOnChristmasEve · 23/12/2014 20:43

Angry face fail... Angry

KnackeredMerrily · 23/12/2014 20:44

I feelalot better reading your DH admonished her in private. I don't think it was cowardly. It is possible that the other friend did the same.