to be somewhat offended by this?

[myfurbyisalive]

Long story shortish DP was showing me a group convo he has on FB with a few friends of his internationally. We started to scroll up to get to a joke that a friend had told him ages ago. Anyway scrolled way too far back and got to when DP and I had just started dating. One friend, lets call her S, tells the group DP has a new lady. Another friend asks what she (me) is like.

S replies 'shes a bloody darkie!!' with some ha ha ha's afterwords. I am mixed race, half black half white and really don't think that's an ok thing to say. I am not upset exactly but slightly deflated to think that of all the things S could have said, e.g. shes a lovely girl, she's pretty, etc, the only thing she considered to be of note about me was my skin colour. DP didn't say anything in response to it which also made me a bit .

Hhmmm, AIBU? How would you feel?

OP, do you think your dp's lack of response is due to shame that someone should say such a thing about you? Maybe he was horrified and didn't quite know what to say to you?

Defiantly not U.

You have every right to be pissed off.

YANBU. Hideous. Have you spoken to DP about this?

Are they all Aussies?
No offence to most Aussies who are not racist, but ime there seems to be a seam of casual racism in Aus which is far more acceptable than here.
Not that that excuses anything. She's a racist dick.

I asked him why he didn't say anything back and he showed me the PM he sent her, which she didn't reply to. I feel a bit of an idiot that I was friendly with her when she had this kind of attitude behind my back. She was always nice to my face.

Have you told DP how you feel about this? Do you think he understands how utterly belittling and spiteful it was for her to make such a racist remark and for no one to stand against it in the group? Are you ok?

Tbh, whilst I can understand why you were pissed off he didn't say anything in public, he was probably trying to do the right thing sending a PM.

IMO, the kind of person who could/would say that, isn't the kind of person to meekly accept public criticism, and is more likely to become more offensive - and to lead others to join in. Maybe your DH wanted to make his thoughts known without having a joke made of it, I.e. S then posting "sense of humour failure?" or something equally crass.

You're not likely to see her again, your DH did stand up for you and did not accept that comment - those are the two most important things.

Having said that, if I'd been in your DH's position, I'd have dropped S as a friend pretty sharpish.

Omg, 'darkie' is a word that my 80yo granny bands about and we refuse to accept it from her so I would be furious to hear a young person say it in this day and age. She is racist, plain and simple.

Yanbu she's absolutely racist. Your dp should have publicly called her up on that.

That's awful!

I don't think it was acceptable to comment on your colour at all. Why is it relevant?!

"She's bloody black!"
"She's black!"

Are both really unnecessary and offensive.

The fact that she called you a "darkie" is atrocious and she should be ashamed of herself.

YANBU I would also be furious at DP for not defending you. Like you rightly pointed out there are other more important aspects of you So could have commented on. She's quiet, pretty, bubbly, fun. The colour of your skin is irrelevant. Not in same league but I was disappointed when I first started dating a man 6' 3" and I was described as short at 5' 2" so yes you have every right to feel offended.

If I were him I would not communicate with her anymore, yet he is!

Yeah, awful. I would be really upset. Sorry that this happened to you

Absolutely right to be offended. When you wrote "a darkie" a genuinely had no idea what this meant and only in reading the rest of your op did the penny drop. What an awful thing to say.

What a racist bitch. I bet she thinks she's not racist because she has some non-white friends too...

I make a point of calling out racism when it happens around me - for precisely this reason. Sometimes people get a bit shocked and don't know how to react so they minimise what they've heard. If someone outright says "That is racist. Don't say it again" it can jolt people back to reality.

For fucks sake, what century does she think she's living in?! What a vile woman.