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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or him? can see both sides....

29 replies

LostMyBaubles · 22/12/2014 17:07

Would like some views on this please.

Dh has had a few days off and my family have needed me so rather than taking 3dc with me (all under 5 and 1 has sn, autistic etc) I left them with him. He had another day off today and again family needed me so I said he can have the kids for a few hours while I help family.
I did take kids with me to mums house sk he could have a lie in and rest this morning. He had a good 5hours to himself. Ive not had 5 hours to myself in a very long time. So he said ive not had the day off to look after kids Hmm
My reply was ive never had day off and I do nights too. Ds with sn still wakes up screaming at night and has health issues so is usually up 3/7 nights a week. He doesn't get up to do anything.

Ds3 is now up every 2 hours a night for a feed again.
I can see he wanted to relax which is why I took kids ti mums but still wasnt enough? ?

Close member of family is disabled so tbeg need extra help doing things some days

I dont normally post on aibu but would like some views. Thanks

OP posts:
Flumpf · 22/12/2014 17:12

He is bu. They are his dc as well, and you aren't exactly swanning off to get your nails done. You are supporting your family, and may be he should do the same.

Sorry, I hope that I understood the situation properly and I haven't come across too harsh.

BuzzardBirdRoast · 22/12/2014 17:24

OP, you must be a friggin saint?!

I don't know how you didn't rip him a new one. Remind him what happens next time he wants sex...if you haven't shown him the door by then?

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2014 17:30

He is VVU.

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 22/12/2014 17:31

Lol@saint!
I can see his point with ok its my day off and all that but they are his kids too.

I cant say no to my family and would do the same fot his family. think my problem is me being too nice

Its kicked off a few times about this- hes come in from work and ive handed him youngest so I could go and make his dinnet as im not leaving a baby crying while a parent is sat doing nothing. His point then was it wasnt even 2mins since he came in through the door.

OP posts:
Lariflete · 22/12/2014 17:37

Shock DH regularly gets a child thrust upon him as soon as he walks through the door. Neither of us get a rest til kids are in bed and jobs done.
YANBU and he is being very unreasonable.

WilsonWilsonWoman · 22/12/2014 17:39

Why did he want a family? This is family life! Hmm

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2014 18:32

hes come in from work and ive handed him youngest

Isn't that what everyone does?

That's what happens in my world anyway.

He needs to pull his finger out and get on with it.

kickassangel · 22/12/2014 18:45

He's had a day off to spend with the people he loves and cherishes, not to resent them. If he doesn't like his kids enough to spend time with them, then he can find alternative accommodation, can't he? He can spend ALL his days off sitting alone like Norman no mates, if that's his choice.

Purplepoodle · 22/12/2014 18:50

Yeah be nice to spend days off by myself but then I'm a parent have three under 6 so that's not going to happen. Oh realises this when h comes home at weekends and I gleefully abandon him with the kids and go to ..... tesco tk do the food shop - exciting or what. It's life he needs to sick it up

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2014 18:54

My SIL used to be waiting on the pavement holding the baby with her arms outstretched, waiting for my brother to arrive home!

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 22/12/2014 20:05

Thanks all.
And now its 'theres nothing to eat' even though the fridge is full.

OP posts:
BuzzardBirdRoast · 23/12/2014 11:32

God, he sounds like a teenager!

CassieBearRawr · 23/12/2014 12:51

"Its kicked off a few times about this- hes come in from work and ive handed him youngest so I could go and make his dinnet as im not leaving a baby crying while a parent is sat doing nothing. His point then was it wasnt even 2mins since he came in through the door".

He does know he's a father right? He was around for the conception, the 9 months of pregnancy, and the childbirth? He is aware he has jointly created an entire new human being and that they don't raise themselves?

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 23/12/2014 14:34

He thinks its enough going out to earn money.
Tbf its not his money we are living on. Its the benefits.
His wage is shit.

Im not apologising for anything but keeping it civil in front of the dc unlike him who started kicking off again 1st thing in the morning

he didn't agree with ds getting the infinity pack for the wii u. So im off to gi buy it lol

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 23/12/2014 22:17

Hes now in the spare room as he had the dc while I wrapped presents at mums house whicj btw is 1min away from mine.

Need a hand hold. Been taking shit for too long and now im not backing down. Hes from abroad and when kt kicks off apparently hes stressed due to family problems. That's not my fucking problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 24/12/2014 20:45

2nd night of him on the sofa.

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 24/12/2014 20:56

I'm sorry you're still having problems baubles :(

Has he always been this way with regards to doing his share of parenting?

MinceSpy · 24/12/2014 21:15

So you and he had two children, one with special needs and then you both chose to have a third. You are already two very busy parents managing the busy workload of three under fives. You work very hard as a SAHM and he works very hard as the breadwinner albeit that you are very dependent on benefits. He had a 'few' days off and instead of spending time parenting together you leave him with the children to care for another family member. The moment he has another day off you make the choice to care for this person again. I understand the pull of feeling the need to help your extended family but I also understand your husband's point of view. When do you get any quality family time? Your issues sound deeper than your post.

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 24/12/2014 22:48

The 3rd child wasnt planned and I dont believe in abortion.

We as a couple spend evenings together once dc are in bed. I try to make sure they are im bed before 8 so that we have a few hours in the evening. Those hours are spent with him watching tv and me trying to make conversation which feels like im talking to a brick wall.

Yep your right.

Issues are a hell of a lot more deeper but its taken this to happen to realise.
Before I met dh I was a different person.

I feel like I was molded into thr person he wants which im still not.

He was going to see some friends of ours and he wasnt going to take me along. I asked why he said why should I take you and that hes gained nothing from our relationship.

Thats the bit thats hurt the most. I nearly died during child birth and had horrible pregnancies and hes gained nothing.

2 nights ago he didn't have any dinner and my mum had ordered take out and id asked her to order us something too. Once it arrived he said you eat it alonr thats your punishment Hmm I said for what? What have I done wrong when its you who wont look after dc.

When I leavr the dc with dh ds1 is on the ipad on his feeding pump, ds2 is sat in his chair with some books and toys and if needs be thr tv and the baby is asleep so hes hardly up changing nappies which btw he wont do. He will leave them in a dirty nappy until I get home even if im a few hours.

It does upset me tk think ive changed so much for someone who will never be happy.

Hes not British. Theres massive culture clashes too. He doesnt agree with the dc having toys. I cant buy them as he starts complaining that they have too many (last toys I bought were 2 and half years ago before he got his visa) and mum has bought the odd ones since.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 24/12/2014 22:52

Also should say I look after this family member even when he is at work.
The family member is helpless and tries to struggle to do things if he sees dc need me. Like today he was hungry and he tried to boil an egg. He couldn't get the shell off due to disability and he waw stood in the kitchen where I couldn't see him biting the shell off and spitting it out trying to eat the egg. This family member is my dad. His needs will decrease with time as hes just had surgery to help but is helpless until he recovers which could be 6months and jts been 2.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 24/12/2014 23:21

OP I'm truly sorry that you are going through this. What is 'D'H actually bringing to your family, would life without him be any worse?
Your family member needs and deserves more support, you may need to work with social services to get this.

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 24/12/2014 23:36

Nothing apart from sex. If he left I wouldn't stay where I am as I wouldnt feel safe herr so would move back into parents house but that would mean me and 3dc in1 room as they have1 spare room

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/12/2014 23:47

He needs to leave.
Ask him to go after Xmas.
.

Original poster
LostMyBaubles · 24/12/2014 23:51

Ive said he doesnt need tk stay here. In the past ive been stupid enough to stop him leaving once when kt kicked off. Will not do it again.

OP posts:
CheeseBuster · 25/12/2014 00:09

Sorry but why stay with this "man" after the first baby? He leaves your children sat in dirty nappies and doesn't believe in toys. What are you doing with him? Does he make you happy? Does he make the DC happy?

You'd be better off alone with your DC.

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