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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu Dh not going to school nativity

56 replies

kerryxmas · 17/12/2014 14:50

Ok so last night was the 3 dcs school nativity play. Weeks ago I told dh he would have to book the 18th off work as it was on. When I realised I had the day wrong last week I told him. So last Monday his work calls him to confirm his shifts for this week, while he was on the phone I told him to tell them he couldn't work on Tuesday, he said he wasn't telling them that and he would sort it out. So throughout the week I kept reminding him, he told me he was going to ask the day shift staff if they could stay on an extra 45 minutes. So yesterday morning he comes home and said the dayshift worker said no to staying on 45 minutes later in order for him to see some of the nativity. I doubt he even asked. I told him he should have said last week when his work rang to confirm the shifts, he said he cant dictate what he can and cannot work. I told him I felt he was very selfish, he said we need the money. I feel like a sp to be honest, I am always the one attending everything with the dcs. I understand his work is demanding and has unsocial hours and we do need the money, however he has 3 dcs surely they should come first or aibu? Any advice greatly appreciated, is this all dhs?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 17/12/2014 14:51

Yabu

There's no need for you both to be there, especially if you need the money and he would loose money not to work.

PotteringAlong · 17/12/2014 14:52

Posted too soon!

By working to earn money he is ensuring the DC come first

SarkyWench · 17/12/2014 14:53

YabVu

ARGHtoAHHH · 17/12/2014 14:53

Is this a one off, or does he regularly miss stuff?

pootlebug · 17/12/2014 14:53

You booked the wrong day. I suspect that when work calls to confirm shifts is really a bit late to be messing them around. You need the money.

No, DC's don't always 'come first'. He has a job which he has a commitment to. Yes, it is sad that he missed their play - I'm sure he's not thrilled about it either. But he will hardly be the only parent not there. My husband missed our kids nativity play because he had to work - and I am fine with that.

itsaloadarubbish · 17/12/2014 14:53

Sorry catriona but I think YABU as you told him the wrong day to book off as hols.

For most people, getting time off at this time of year is very hard. If everyone took time off for their DC nativity plays it would cause real problems wouldn't it?

I don't think it is fair to accuse him of not putting DC first when he is at work. If he was playing golf then you would have a point.

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2014 14:54

I think if I was being told when to work and when not to, I might buck a little too! Gently but firmly, you got the dates wrong and expected him to sort it out, not ideal but perhaps you could ask him rather than telling him.

Original poster

kerryxmas · 17/12/2014 14:54

Yes he does miss quite a lot, but again that's due to working unsocial hours

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/12/2014 14:56

It's not selfish to attend work rather than a nativity play.

NorwaySpruce · 17/12/2014 14:57

You are being almost unbelievably unreasonable.

The children are his priority, as evidenced by his desire to keep his job.

I assume you must have unusually flexible employers yourself, or are you self employed? Most workplaces make it difficult for people to mess about with shifts.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/12/2014 14:58

catriona you sound like you are giving him a hard time.
also 'I feel like a SP' - really? do you? Have you any idea how insulting that is to those of us who have to manage alone?

awfulomission · 17/12/2014 15:00

As an aside, and I know this isn't the main subject of the thread but... mine never comes to plays etc. Nor do many of the other main wage earners in the families in my DS' classes.

You did get the dates wrong. Sorry but I think YABU.

basgetti · 17/12/2014 15:01

I think YABU. My DP missed the nativity last week due to being asked to work a the last minute. We rely on his wage and him being offered overtime so it would have been daft to turn the money down. I just went along and sat through it for the second time instead and DS was fine as long as he had someone in the audience to wave at.

magpieginglebells · 17/12/2014 15:02

YABU. Work comes first. He is putting the kids first by earning money.

TheCowThatLaughs · 17/12/2014 15:02

Your dh not coming to the nativity is not comparable to being a single parent. Is there more to it? Also yabu as you told him the wrong day, although it sounds like he's not very involved and is just going off your instructions rather than taking an interest himself, which must be trying for you.

AryaUnderfoot · 17/12/2014 15:03

YABVU

I work as a teacher and NEVER get to 'take time off' to see my DCs in plays/sports days.

This morning was my daughter's reception nativity and I wasn't able to go. Yet again, I will re-live the event via the photos/videos that my DH has kindly uploaded to Dropbox.

I am really glad my husband doesn't think I'm selfish and inconsiderate for not demanding the time off from work. If he tried to imply that I was, I'd tell him to piss off.

fedupbutfine · 17/12/2014 15:03

you feel like a SP? As a SP who is also a teacher, my children had no one attend their school nativity play last week. If I don't work, the roof over our heads will go and we won't be having treats or anything else. You're not a single parent, you have a husband out there working hard for your family. Be grateful for that and please don't insult those of us who are genuinely alone and who's children struggle as a result.

awfulomission · 17/12/2014 15:04

The only thing I insist DH takes time off work for is when our DS with SN has an important medical/therapy appointment and I need him there so we can make decisions or ask questions about things together.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/12/2014 15:05

that is different awful

madwomanbackintheattic · 17/12/2014 15:08

YABU.
It's not that big a deal. It's a school nativity play. He can go next year.

Work is more important - if you had given him the correct day, he wouldn't have been in the embarassing position of trying to ask colleagues for favours or trying to switch shifts. Everyone is busy at this time of year, and a colleague who dicks around trying to change stuff isn't going to be popular.

'He said we need the money'.

Yup.

Finola1step · 17/12/2014 15:08

You told him the wrong date in the first place. Maybe by the time you had told him the correct date, it wa too late for him to do much about it.

PenelopePitstops · 17/12/2014 15:11

You sound hard work. I am assuming you don't work. He is putting them first by keeping his job and a roof over your head heads. Remember that next time. If you don't work then you go to everything.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2014 15:11

YABVU

WooWooOwl · 17/12/2014 15:12

Yabvu, you might need to rethink who is the selfish one here, and it can assure you that you don't feel like a single parent.

awfulomission · 17/12/2014 15:15

I know Sunny . I know I can't take his presence for granted. My DM was a SP to us and it was so hard for her.

Anyhow OP - you asked for advice. Perhaps when he's missed an event you'd have liked to share with him your DCs could sit with him afterwards and tell him about it over your photos/video? They can both still have a proud moment together then.

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