Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

aibu Dh not going to school nativity

56 replies

kerryxmas · 17/12/2014 14:50

Ok so last night was the 3 dcs school nativity play. Weeks ago I told dh he would have to book the 18th off work as it was on. When I realised I had the day wrong last week I told him. So last Monday his work calls him to confirm his shifts for this week, while he was on the phone I told him to tell them he couldn't work on Tuesday, he said he wasn't telling them that and he would sort it out. So throughout the week I kept reminding him, he told me he was going to ask the day shift staff if they could stay on an extra 45 minutes. So yesterday morning he comes home and said the dayshift worker said no to staying on 45 minutes later in order for him to see some of the nativity. I doubt he even asked. I told him he should have said last week when his work rang to confirm the shifts, he said he cant dictate what he can and cannot work. I told him I felt he was very selfish, he said we need the money. I feel like a sp to be honest, I am always the one attending everything with the dcs. I understand his work is demanding and has unsocial hours and we do need the money, however he has 3 dcs surely they should come first or aibu? Any advice greatly appreciated, is this all dhs?

OP posts:

Cantbelievethisishappening · 17/12/2014 15:18

I feel like a sp to be honest

YABU
Get over yourself. As a single parent I missed just about every single school event bar one nativity play when my daughters were growing up because I was working. Be glad your kids have someone there at all

PekeandPollicle · 17/12/2014 15:19

Yabu. My DH often can't get to the children's events as he has a long commute. I take photos when I can, he practises the children's lines with them, listens to the repeated accounts of how it went and claps loudly at demonstrations of the best bits. I think he is still putting the children first.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/12/2014 15:25

YABU. In the extreme.

When both DSs were little enough to be doing Nativity plays and the like, DH worked a 2 hour commute away with highly 'set' hours. He missed almost everything as he also had a limited amount of annual leave & preferred to keep that for use during the school holidays.

I do think it's a shame when no-one turns up to watch a child - but so long as there is someone then it's fine. A good friend of mine is a teacher, married to a teacher. Neither are ever able to attend their DCs plays (at a different school), but grandma & grandpa are very happy to fill in & video the play for them to watch later. The DCs are happy because grandma & grandpa are there.

Not all jobs allow you to drop shifts so lightly. Mine certainly doesn't!

QuinnTwinny · 17/12/2014 15:25

You feel like a SP? Wow, that's a slap in the face for all of us sp. Particularly us who are sp due to partners passing away. Count yourself lucky that THIS is what you think is a problem.

Want2bSupermum · 17/12/2014 15:27

Just been to DD's performance. DH wasn't there so I sent him the video I took and gleamed about how wonderful it was to be there and watch her.

My DH lacks in a lot of areas but both parents don't have to be there. I really feel for single parents in these situations. I did send a video to a single father of his child because he couldn't make it.

needaholidaynow · 17/12/2014 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nachohousekeeper · 17/12/2014 16:02

If he is anything like me and a lot of other working parents, he will already be feeling a bit shit that he is missing it. You moaning at him is just going to make him feel worse.

Parenting is hard enough without playing competitive "you miss everything" with your partner when you are working to keep your family fed and clothed .

yumyumpoppycat · 17/12/2014 16:06

What advice were you looking for? You are being at least a bit unreasonable as he tried to get the time off work so he was being there for your dc, you made a mistake which meant he and your children missed out then nagged him to fix your mistake, which he couldn't do. Why don't you believe that he tried to get the time off?

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane · 17/12/2014 16:09

My DH has missed everything our DC have done because he works away. I know you must feel frustrated but unless he is unhelpful/unreliable in other ways then I think you ABU.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2014 16:11

I think this ranks as one of the most unreasonable OP s I've seen for some time.

Bulbasaur · 17/12/2014 16:13

You have 3 DC's I'm sure he's done this rodeo before. If you've seen one nativity play, you've seen them all. If it's really important to you, record it with your cell phone.

DH has had to work and give up days to bring money home for us. It's part of being a parent means making sacrifices to do the best thing for your family, and your DH is doing just that.

Davsmum · 17/12/2014 16:14

Men probably get a hard time asking for time off to see a Nativity play.To be fair,..many women do too.
So long as one of you is there, that is all that matters.

Boomtownsurprise · 17/12/2014 16:15

You really didn't think this post through did you op.....?

Daft. As. A. Brush. Oh! And YABU!

Stormingateacup · 17/12/2014 16:19

Sorry you're getting a hard time OP. I think that because it was your mistake on the date YABU here.

Generally speaking though, I would be peed off if DH never came to anything at all. An effort should be made to come to some stuff, where possible.

Branleuse · 17/12/2014 16:19

yabu. Most children don't have both parents there. Its nice if someone can go see them and you went because you weren't working.

You sound a bit hard work

BackforGood · 17/12/2014 16:24

YAB very U
He's at work for goodness sake!
Probably would quite like to see the play, but, in reality, it's never going to happen for thousands and thousands of parents up and down the country. Your dc are fortunate that you can go along, many families both parents work and might not be able to get time off.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 17/12/2014 16:30

Sorry op but yabu. Ch hasn't made it to nativity plays ext due to work and distance. I am lucky I work locally and have flexibility so plan to take the time off. He can't. He's not selfish.

JingleBellSniffer · 17/12/2014 16:42

YABSooooooU.
He doesn't have to go. He's asked, they've said no, get over yourself.

TSSDNCOP · 17/12/2014 16:46

I can see why he didn't want to ask for Tuesday as a day off, presumably he's still got 18th booked off as you'd asked him to, and knew it would cause rota dramas to change things again. One likes rocking the boat around Christmas, and especially with jobs being precarious at the best of times.

Honestly I think you're going to need to wear this one as an admin cock up.

SomethingFunny · 17/12/2014 16:46

YABU

However, I suspect you are so annoyed not because he didn't come, but because he didn't seem to care enough to ask for the time off/ didn't tell you that he wasn't going to take the time off and you feel messed around and disapointed.

What you need to do is just tell him what the date is in future. The nativity play is on this day at this time. That's it. Not tell him to take the time off work or remind him daily of the date. If he isn't interested, then he isn't interested.

My DH isn't particularly interested in the nativity play (to be fair, all my children have done is sung songs with the rest of their class, they haven't had starring Mary/ Joesph roles). I tell him the day and time, if he wants to come he will. Same with other school events such as sports days.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love the children as much as me or anything, just he doesn't rate seeing our children doing 5 mins of singing as a significant event hat needs us both to attend, especially as he sees the video!

waithorse · 17/12/2014 16:54

YABVU. He is putting the dc first, by staying in employment.

Topseyt · 17/12/2014 17:18

I think you are being daft and making a big issue out of nothing, unless there is more of a back-story here.

Apart from the occasional parents evening, my husband rarely came to any school events because they usually clashed with his working day. That is just life, and it doesn't make you a single parent any more than it made me one. My parents were teachers at different schools to the ones I went to. With the exception of when my mum was on maternity leave after having my sister, I don't remember them being able to come to many daytime school events because of the obvious clash. Often they would go to evening performances, but those tend to happen as children get older and more able to cope.

As the SAHP for more years than I care to count, I was the one who went to just about all of the events while they were in primary school. From what I could see, very few children had both parents attending, especially for infant nativities, which frequently take place during the day.

nic013 · 17/12/2014 17:31

I don't think it's a problem missing the school play. we are a family of shift workers and our son knows that sometimes only one of us or another family member can go to things. He doesn't see it as an issue because we don't make it one.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 17/12/2014 17:44

If he has to work, he has to work. It depends - does he normally put the dc first? If this is part of a pattern of disinterest in the dc, then yanbu. If he is normally an attentive father, and just couldn't get out of work, then yabu. You say you feel like a sp - so I'm guessing it's the former.

My dh makes stuff like this when he possibly can - when he can't I go on my own or take my mum/sit with friends. Tbh, after 3 dc all going through the nativity stage, I'm sick to death of them.

Summerisle1 · 17/12/2014 17:48

Sorry, but YABU. You got the date wrong and now you expect your DH to make complicated arrangements as a result. It's only a nativity. Work is a much greater priority in comparison.

Also, those of us who were teachers or married to teachers simply put up with the fact that one parent would inevitably miss the nativity play. Our children did not grow up traumatised as a result.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread