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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a small favour of my DP?

43 replies

Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 15:34

I started a caring job in late August just after my DDs 1st birthday to bring some extra income in.
The job involves early mornings (usually start at 7:30am) it takes me on average 15 minutes to drive to my first call depending on where about it is.

DP is a farmer and works where we live so has no commute. This week, work have rostered me to do my first calls for tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday for 7 am in a village 15 mins away.

This means that I have to get up at 5 am get myself AND DD up and dressed, washed if necessary fed and in the car etc. I then have to drop DD off at my mums at 6:30am so that I leave enough time to transfer car seat into her car etc and still get to my call on time.

My DD (16 months) has been poorly for weeks now with a cold an i can't help but think that getting up early on these cold mornings can't be helping. It's taking its toll on my mum too! I suggested to DP perhaps he could meet my mum at the end of our road with DD at a better time to which he scoffed and said no way!!!

AIBU after all of the times I've driven a 100 mile round trip to pick his DD 4 (my DSD) up so that he could spend the weekend with her to be so upset about the fact that he won't take 15 minutes out of his day to help everybody out and let DD sleep a bit longer.

He will happily drive the 100 mile round trip to pick his DD up if her DM wants to go out drinking but when I ask such a tiny fucking favour I get told NO. And I'm going out to help provide for his two kids and make sure they have a lovely Xmas (which by the fucking way I will be working for NO extra pay even though I get paid an absolute pittance anyway).

AIBU I needed to rant I'm sorry

OP posts:
CheeseBuster · 15/12/2014 15:42

Is dd his? Why do you need to get up so early, surly throw clothes on sleeping child and yourself, then leave house. DM can breakfast at hers?
But yes, it does sound unreasonable unless he would have to abandon milking halfway through or something to take dd.

CheeseBuster · 15/12/2014 15:43

but yes, he* does sound unreasonable

Sorry, on ipad.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 15:47

We aren't on a dairy farm so that's not an issue. And I'd still ave to get up pretty early as DD has a skin condition which means that she need certain creams applying morning and night - me and DP are the only ones I trust applying it IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 15:47

And DD is his

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 15:48

And also my DM's house is about 10 minutes in the other direction from my first call

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 15/12/2014 15:51

Yes, he sounds really selfish.

DoJo · 15/12/2014 15:53

Has he said why he won't do it? Would it really upset his morning routine or need him to stop in the middle of a job? It sounds as though you need to work around your respective mornings to find something that suits you both - is he open to suggestions or has he point blank refused with no explanation?

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 15:59

He says that he has a helper coming at 8am. He is a capable sort of lad and I'm sure that DP could set him in with feeding up whilst he took DD to the end I the road!!

He's in a pan shite with himself because he's had a stressful day. He was pissed off this morning because I woke him up whilst I was getting DD ready.

He's never once said 'thank you for all you do, for getting up so early every morning and going out into the cold, for workin your butt off at work and at home, for all you do for our children.' Oh no its 'you've fucking woken me up again, I'm knackered, I need to sleep blah, blah fucking vblah'

OP posts:
DamsonJam · 15/12/2014 16:04

If DD is his, he wouldn't be doing you a favour, he would simply be doing his fair share of the parenting duty. I don't understand how he thinks she getting her to childcare is only your responsibility.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/12/2014 16:08

Tbh id just get up, get myself dressed and go to work. Leave dd in bed. Let him see what its like to have a partner who just looks after no.1.

WooWooOwl · 15/12/2014 16:09

YANBU to expect your DP to go out of his way to help sort out his own child.

YABU to expect him to say thank you for doing what you need to do unless you also make a point of saying it to him, YABU to expect extra pay for working at Christmas and YABU to bring your DPs other children into your rant.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:10

Probably because he didn't want me to have a career in the first place which BTW is my human right and its putting food in his belly and clothes on our backs.

The reason DD is so poorly anyway is because the house is so fucking cold. I told him in August that we needed to go and chop some wood up so that it was dry in time for winter but oh no he had 'more important things to do'.

It's a tad beyond me to head off down the field with a tractor and trailer and start chainsawing wood up. If I could do it I would but its a two person job.

OP posts:
Fluffy40 · 15/12/2014 16:11

How about your little one goes to her Nan the night before' then you and DP can have a proper talk about care of his /your DD.

Hope you all settle down and have a super christmas.

JennyBlueWren · 15/12/2014 16:12

"I'll be off out at x:00 so DD's all yours till DM collects at y:00." His child too. Your job is not secondary to his and as it's not a dairy (or something similar which would mean he was working) he's just being lazy about it.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:13

At the end if the day woowoo I am not being unfair to bring DSD into this rant as nothing that I do is being taken into consideration as far as DP is concerned. Anybody in my situation would feel hard done by if they took 4 hours out of their day to pick up someone else's child yet you ask a small favour and it isn't reciprocated. Nope not being unfair at all

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Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:15

And yes, when he was the main breadwinner I ALWAYS said thank you to him for working so hard, because he does work hard and I wanted him to know it was appreciated and still is but I just get whined at

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Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:17

Nd missing Xmas with my DD (which many do) is a big deal for me. The fact that its with no extra pay (although they are charging clients a ton more) makes me want to throw up

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rookietherednosedreindeer · 15/12/2014 16:25

Could you just move into your DMs for a while with your DD? Would help DD not to be in a cold house and having to get up so early and would perhaps help your H to understand that unless he sorts his act out he will have two DCs to organise and collect for access all by himself.

Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:27

I'm gonna have another word with him tonight when he comes in. See if he's calmed down. I'm off to work again soon until 11pm :(

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Original poster
Smileybutstressed · 15/12/2014 16:32

I feel as though I'm gonna have to give up my job. I love my job. I've just had a text through from work which says that someone has rung in to say that they are delighted with the care I have been providing

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DontTurnAround · 15/12/2014 16:32

Fuck that! What does he actually bring to the marriage? You don't seem to like him very much

MinceSpy · 15/12/2014 16:33

Smiley you are working to help with family finances and it is as much DP's responsibility to care for his DD as it is yours. He needs to grow up and stop whining. He needs meets his MIL at the end of the lane and hand over his DD.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/12/2014 16:37

Tbh the job sounds more hassle than it is worth (5am starts, working Christmas Day etc) especially if it isnt appreciated.

The benefit to it is you are earning a wage which could come in handy should your DH and you split.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2014 16:40

Move yourself and daughter to a warm house [your mums?] , so firstly she won't be ill and secondly you will both be warmer than you are now.

merryaid · 15/12/2014 16:40

I too would move in with your mum for a while. Living in a freezing house and getting up at 5am doesn't sound like much fun for you and your DD.