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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly fed up with my mothers "illnesses"?

56 replies

Bogeyface · 07/12/2014 20:32

She currently has a cold. A bad cold, a real stinker. I know this because I had it a couple of weeks ago and passed it on to her. Except that she has taken to the sofa and has "flu", that is fact.

I posted on here when I had a bad turn just after I shook off the cold asking if I was coming down with flu. It was a weird feeling, like nothing I have had before and never having had flu I wondered if that was the start of it. It wasnt and I appreciated the info.

From what I was told, if I had flu I would not have been lying on the sofa, holding a conversation, having a go at someone else for forgetting something and also telling that person to not forget to check the lamb that was cooking for dinner. I was told I wouldnt want dinner. This is what my mother was doing today with her "flu".

She never has a headache, she takes to her bed with migraines. I didnt question this until I got genuine migraines (thought I was having a stroke it was diagnosed as migraine by A&E, it was very frightening). She has headaches, no other symptoms and suggested I was attention seeking when I described my aura, the sickness, the palsy in my left arm etc as she never gets that with her "migraines" just the headache. Oh and you dont get migraines without headaches according to her.

She had a lump in her neck. She spent ages ringing me and my sister telling us the worst, except it turned out that she hadnt even seen the doctor yet, it turned out to be benign.

She is like this about EVERY illness. She has to get it worse than everyone else, always and had no sympathy when anyone is genuinely ill. When I was lying on the sofa with appendicitis that led to emergency surgery at midnight after it perforated (the surgeon described it as "very squiggy" ) she said "Well the kids wont look after themselves, you will have to just get on with it".

I am sick of it! Today I said "Oh yes, it is a nasty cold isnt it? I felt rotten when I had it" and she said "You had a cold but its turned into flu with me" "No mum, if you had flu then I think you would know about it!" and she got in right huff. I wasnt being accusatory but I was sick of her constantly over egging everything.

AIBU to just ignore her "illnesses" from now on? How do you handle someone who geniunely does get Man Flu?!

OP posts:

simbacatlivesagain · 07/12/2014 20:39

Illness is as illness does. I havent had a day off since 2007. My children have never missed a day at school. my dd has just gone to uni and is laughing at her flat mates and their approach to illness.

We don't all have the same approach to illness- all are valid

lemisscared · 07/12/2014 20:43

She sounds a lot like my mother and a bit like me (i have health anxiety).

you just have to say yes and no in the right places sometimes. If she wants to think its flu, let her. You can feel really bloody awful with colds and viruses, even if it isn't "flu".

I think i had flu a couple of years ago, i was sitting in OOH ready to have a full blown stamping tantrum if the trainee gp didn't give me anti-biotics for my throat, ive never felt such pain - he started giving me the "its a virus" lecture when the supervising Dr printed out a prescription and handed it to me when he saw my eyes well up with tears. I didn't give one shiney shit whether it was flu or not, i just wanted to get better

Sorry, thats probably not helpful but fuck me i felt ill (and i bet it was "just" a cold)

You have my sympathy though, my mother is a right royal pain in the rump

Icantstopeatinglol · 07/12/2014 20:52

Op, I think your mam obviously goes straight for the 'I'm ill I can't do anything' way of thinking. If I were you I'd just try and weigh up if she's really ill or not and respond how you think. It us hard but I know what you mean and I think you're right in trying to 'ignore' if you can as she'll play on it more otherwise.
simbacat what's your approach to illness? Just curious, I'd love to not get ill but I do think it can't be helped at times.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/12/2014 20:58

I can appreciate your annoyance,but you thought it was turning into flu for you too so I don't think you can really complain about her thinking the same.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/12/2014 21:03

I had flu. Once. I knew it was flu because I lost 22 pounds in weight, couldn't eat for a week and DW kept checking me with a stethoscope for abnormal chest sounds. That was the really scary bit.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 07/12/2014 21:05

That was after the cold, with the cold I did just get on with it. When I thought I had flu it was after that and I had 24 hours of feeling rotten and was mightily relieved that it wasnt. She wont stir now til Wednesday at the earliest and then will talk about how wiped out she feels for another fortnight.

She does this after "migraines" too, unless she forgets! We had a NYE/Millenium party and she didnt want to come, she made that very clear but came because my dad wanted to. As soon as she walked through the door she said she had a migraine. 2 hours later she was knocking back the wine and dancing her socks off because the party was actually more fun that she thought it would be.

Its so bloody selective. She is ill when it suits her and then very very ill, but if something is happening that she doesnt want to miss then she makes a miraculous recovery!

OP posts:

Wowthishurtsalot · 07/12/2014 21:09

My sympathies! I get your kind of migraines too (hemiplegic they're called and they suck) your mum sounds like hard work!

Original poster

Bogeyface · 07/12/2014 21:09

I should say that my Grandad was the same, so I wonder if she gets it from him as this is how you act when you are ill.

OP posts:

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 07/12/2014 21:10

Colds don't turn into flu, it's a different virus. She sounds like a PITA.

WyrdByrd · 07/12/2014 21:28

I have a mum a bit like yours, except she insists on keeping going and making sure we all know how useless we are and what a martyr she's being .

You have my sympathy.

BalloonSlayer · 07/12/2014 21:36

at "colds turning into flu"

as daft as "chicken pox turning into norovirus"

MaudantWit · 07/12/2014 21:38

::waves to Wyrd::

It's true, I think, that we all have different approaches to illness and different trigger points for when we are ill enough to take a day off work or school or hide under the duvet.

Whatever illness I've had, my mother has always had it worse.

Sympathy from me too.

tippytappywriter · 07/12/2014 21:44

How do you think she wants you to respond? How does your dad react? I know someone similar BTW and I give a bit of sympathy and then let them get on with it. You can't change how someone else reacts but you can change your own reaction to it...hard I know!

diddl · 07/12/2014 21:46

"i often think that the best way with "over eggers"[grin} is a non committal "mmm" whilst eyerolling & laughing to yourself.

raltheraffe · 07/12/2014 21:50

I had my first ever migraine a few weeks back. It was terrifying. Not just the headache, but the level of confusion it caused. I could not work for 4 days and went to GP twice (I had to walk, did not feel safe driving in that state) convinced I had suffered a stroke.

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2014 21:51

I think the lack of sympathy when you are I'll is the most annoying bit. I'd show her as much sympathy as she shows you. A cold cannot turn into flu.

raltheraffe · 07/12/2014 21:53

My mum was always like this. Always "ill". What annoyed me is when I had a genuine illness, the response was always "sorry you must have caught that from me".

What was odd was after she died I got back in touch with my auntie who mum had banned me from speaking to (along with the rest of the extended family). Mum had always told me she left school with CSEs but it turned out she was "ill" for the 11+ and "ill" for all of the CSE exams too.

raltheraffe · 07/12/2014 21:55

A cold can run down your immune system and make you more susceptible to the flu though.

LosBreakingBad · 07/12/2014 21:55

My mum was exactly the same. She had every illness going, and had it much worse than anyone else. She was never well, the best she would be was " better than I was". It used to drive me mad.

Several years ago I had cancer and had to have chemo. She told me that chemo was absolutely nothing, her medication was far stronger with more side effects. Even when I was clearly extremely ill she just couldn't acknowledge it. Everything had to be about her or she wasn't interested. I have had a very hard time forgiving her for her behaviour at that time. I cut her off for several years as a result.

FollowTheStarship · 07/12/2014 21:57

I think the reason she has no sympathy for anyone else's illness is that she is in a competition to be illest, so she belittles anyone else's "efforts". And it sounds a bit as if you're getting sucked into the competition too OP – understandably because when you've been really ill and she hasn't, you want that recognised dammit! But I don't think she's going to.

Don't look to her for sympathy when you're ill - get it elsewhere. And when she moans, perfect a slightly bored-sounding "Oh dear, poor you" and change the subject. Or do what she does to you - "Oh well, I'm sure you've got stuff to be getting on with, it won't do itself you know!!!" If she objects say "But that's what you said to me when I was ill"

Original poster

Bogeyface · 07/12/2014 22:15

I remember that well when I had my first, which was only 18 months ago, thats why I called a taxi to A&E as I did think it was a stroke, its awful isnt it?

I know that colds cant turn into flu, and I also know that she doesnt have flu. If she did then eating a roast lamb dinner wouldnt be on her priority list and neither would haranging my dad about it!

I have started just "hmm"ing now, and I know it pisses her off that she doesnt get the level of sympathy she feels it deserves, but frankly you reap what you sow! It doesnt help that my dad totally fusses over her and she expects it from everyone else too I think. She is very synpathetic with the kids though, overly so sometimes, just not her own when they were kids or any other adults!

OP posts:

Edenviolet · 07/12/2014 22:21

Yanbu

My DM always says she is ill, every single day for the last couple of years she has had everything and anything and is never well.
I feel dreadful though as for the past couple of weeks she has been complaining of headaches and I dismissed and ignored her. She kept moaning that she was going to die and I thought she was being her usual dramatic self....she had a brain haemorrhage on Thursday morning and is still in intensive care so I feel horrible.

raltheraffe · 07/12/2014 22:25

I was that ill when I walked to the GP my DH had to link me as I was staggering about like a drunk.

I saw the GP twice and got sumatriptan which made it a bit better but still could not work.

I have since totally quit caffeine as that may have contributed to it.

I am just glad I recovered, I was convinced the GP was wrong and it was a stroke.

Sarkymare · 07/12/2014 22:26

My mum has recently diagnosed her self as being not only a allergic to gluten but dairy too.

She went on and on about it for a month or two. The best bit was she was still eating bread, butter,cheese anything

The only thing she stopped eating was egg. This was because it set the coeliacs off apparently

Disclaimer: my mum is a total dick.

raltheraffe · 07/12/2014 22:28

Ironically the only illness my mum did not respond "I have had that, but worse" was when I got diagnosed with bipolar. She found my mental illness very embarrassing.

However after she died my GP told me she had bipolar all along. The GP tried to discuss it with her and she stormed out the consultation room in offence. I knew there was something amiss as she was convinced she was a psychic and telepathic, but did not realise she had the same illness as me.

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