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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel "jealous"

40 replies

Selinasupreme · 30/11/2014 18:48

Long post sorry!

I have DC1 who is 18mo and am pregnant with DC2.

Dc1 goes to PIL for 7 hours a week and nursery for 20 as I work PT but couldn't afford nursery every day.

When DC goes to PIL he usually comes back covered in snot with a full nappy but very happy, they have a big bright open plan house with a large garden, plenty of time and energy to spoil him, when I go to collect him he occasionally won't come over to me and they say things like "you don't like it when mommy comes to get you do you?" And "that's mommy, have you forgotten her" and if he cries as I try to get him in the car seat they will hover round saying "don't worry baby you will be back with us before you know it" they one up me and DH with his Christmas presents, they make comments that we don't dress him very well (I dress him beautifully) I got him a nice advent calendar and they got him a Better one, I know they are only spoiling him and loving him but I feel like they are trying to put me down in the process and remind me that I'm not able to provide as much for him as they can.

they are also saying they want to take him to Disneyland soon, I can't stand the idea of me allowing him to miss out on this because I'm jealous that they can afford it and I can't. AIBU to feel jealous of this and feel like a bad parent in comparison?

OP posts:

CruCru · 30/11/2014 18:51

Blimey, they could be a bit more sensitive.

Realistically he is a bit young to go to Disneyland, especially without his mother.

LindyHemming · 30/11/2014 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomama · 30/11/2014 18:55

Stop and have a cup of tea and tell the how it makes you feel. Tell them that after a day at work coming to pick him up and hearing them say that he doesn't want you or doesn't remember you is very distressing to you. That you understand that they love him too but you want them to stop with the unthinking upsetting comments.

If they don't like it get your DH to repeat it to them, get him to tell them anyway. A united front is needed to calmly remind them that he is their grand child and that anything they do to undermine mum or dad is a bad thing.

But also remind them that they are more than welcome to spoil him, that being their job as grandparents. And yes, you do have to get over it for long enough to smile as they leave for Disney.

HowlyBabblyBansheeeeeee · 30/11/2014 18:56

Unless you live close to Disneyland and can visit for a day I would say he is definitely not old enough to go with his grandparents. He is very young to go on holiday without you.

As for all the comments they make, you have to be strong and tell them that it is not appropriate. They are not helping your son at all.

busyboysmum · 30/11/2014 18:58

Ah don't worry he will always love you. You're his mum and home is where he will feel most comfortable. My in laws were like this with ds1. He is now 12 and sees them once a week as a politeness to them. He loves them very much and I'm glad he has had such a close relationship with them.

Original poster

Selinasupreme · 30/11/2014 18:59

euphemia sounds like a plan.

OP posts:

Staywithme · 30/11/2014 19:00

When they make the comments about forgetting who his mommy is, etc, you could always say sweetly, "that's right darling, isn't it a good job mommy's here to change your stinky nappy, clean your face, etc or you'd be in a right old state"

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/11/2014 19:04

As a PP said, tell them you find their comments hurtful and unneccessary.

No, he's not going to Disney without you and get your dh to back you up.

LadyLuck10 · 30/11/2014 19:05

I think you and your DH need to address these issues with them. If your child is coming home with a full nappy and snot, then you can't really complain here if you keep sending him back knowing this and not address it.
As for the comments, bring it up each and every time something is said.
Also it's unhealthy to feel jealous that they could provide a few more material things than you. Why not take the view of your dc being provided with much more regardless of where it's coming from?

BumpNGrind · 30/11/2014 19:16

I would hate this. If my dm or dpil said those things to my ds they get a very sharp response from me. Yes looking after your dc is helpful to you, but its still a privilege and not something they have automatic rights to.

Op YANBU

Original poster

Selinasupreme · 30/11/2014 19:29

I definitely comment about the nappy and snot, I also take an extra nappy and wipes in my bag from work to change him at their house before I leave and tell them they have let his nappy get too full and that it chafes him. MIL is an ex health visitor so OBV she thinks this is fine and I'm wrong. A bit of wee/snot/chocolate/mysterious mud/gravel never hurt anyone.

ladyluck10 but considering he can't take the toys home with him or clothes, they are really only making his life better for 7 hours a week, which is better than nothing I know. Comments have been passed regularly since he was born regarding wether he would miss or forget me if I "disappeared" as we had a close bond while I breastfed, something MIL desperately tried to encourage me to stop doing because he "needed to develop bonds with other people"

OP posts:

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/11/2014 19:42

Hang on, all of their 'gifts' to him, are only to be used at their house?

Ok, that puts a very different slant on it. It's as though for that day he is their child, and nothing of you is there with him.

I would be very, very careful with them. 1 day, ok, you can manage. But I wouldn't increase it.

They are definitely trying to upstage you and make their house more appealing to him than his own home. That's not on.

Personally? If anyone did that to my DSs they wouldn't be seeing them without me there again.

Whereisegg · 30/11/2014 19:43

Your dh needs to help you afford more childcare, it's not just your bill.
No trips abroad, no way.

pregnantpause · 30/11/2014 19:46

Yanbu. My in laws are exactly the same. Three years in a row they took my dc on holiday in summer when we haven't had the money. I saved and we went last year but when I said we were going on holiday dc.1 said ' it's not a real holiday! A holiday is with nan and granddad!' Not maliciously of course and we had a great time but she associates the word holiday with them taking her to a caravan. She still talks about the ' trip' we went on and can we go again. But it's not a holiday. I feel like they've taken holidays from me.

Christmas is the same. They're too young to notice now but I can well imagine in future they will open our presents on Christmas Day, and be more excited to get to inlaws to open the presents there on Boxing Day. I have imaginings if dc1 saying to dc2- at Christmas dinner- ' oh I can't wait to get to nans tomorrow! I bet we'll get x y z then!'

They also look after them one day a week. On which day they feed them so much crap, chocolate, biscuits, ice cream, chips and fish fingers- that the rest of the week I can't give them treats. If I do it's 5p for 5 penny sweets because seriously she gives them a pounds worth and ice cream etc on Monday so I can't justify them having that many sweets in a week. I hate never being able to give them oven food ( chips nuggets fish fingers pizza) because they have these every Monday and I therefore have to provide nutritious healthy food every other day. No family crap night for me- mil gets to do it. Eventually I'm sure the dc will mention how mean I am compared to nan.

I'm jealous. They're doing no harm and love my dc. I wouldn't change that for the world. But oh yes, I'm very very jealous.

alpacasosoft · 30/11/2014 19:51

Its not jealousy- they are undermining you.

I would tell them how awful it makes you feel and if they don't respond ( and change his nappy ffs) then I would look at alternatives.
What sort of person gets a kick out of making a childs mother feel awful when she goes to pick him up.
My lovely PIL would say " oh look DS Mummy is here, lets show her your picture, tell her what you did today - in a lovely excited way.

AryaUnderfoot · 30/11/2014 19:54

I'm very envious reading this as I have PIL who really aren't interested in spending time with my DCs at all.

I can count on one hand the number of times they have looked after the DC on their own for more than an hour, and DS is 8.

ArsenicSoup · 30/11/2014 19:56

Comments have been passed regularly since he was born regarding wether he would miss or forget me if I "disappeared" as we had a close bond while I breastfed, something MIL desperately tried to encourage me to stop doing because he "needed to develop bonds with other people"

Are you taking a long ML with the upcoming baby? Presumably you won't need their toxic 'help' then?

And not longer after ML is over, DS will turn 3 you will get the 15 hr entitlement for him, which will ease things maybe?

But then you have childcare to pay for for DC2. Hmm.

Have you any way at all to rejig things so you can manage without this 'help'?

YANBU. They sound horrendous.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 30/11/2014 19:56

I would be very wary. Lots of red flags in your post.

op find the money fir child care or reduce your hours.

The comments are hateful and are designed to make you feel like shit. What the hell is your dh saying about it all?

If they are saying this now in front of you, imagine what they will be saying out of ear shot - especially when he gets older.

It's very easy for a dgp to drip poison in a dgc ear. My dgm did it with me. It resulted in me insisting I went to live there when I was eight. She also tried it with my dd but I was on to it by then.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 30/11/2014 20:01

Also op I have a dd2 who is 18 months. They are fickle little creatures and will sell you out for a bag of chocolate buttons. Don't worry about him. It's the adults that need watching xx

princessconsuelobananahammock · 30/11/2014 20:01

I get what you mean but I also think that it's great for him to be somewhere loved & obviously happy for that time during the week. My DC goes to a combo of nursery & grandparents too & I really appreciate that he's somewhere that's a) family & 1-1 attention and b) saving us a fortune! There are things that bug me but the pros outweigh the cons. I've also changed my outlook from being sad about not seeing DC as much to realising that he's happy and not bothered either way as long as someone who looks after him well & has fun with him has him & that's the main thing!

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 30/11/2014 20:04

pregnant I'm sure you could do another oven night. If there diet is so healthy oven chips and decent fish fingers is hardly going to ruin them.

LilyPapps · 30/11/2014 20:04

You're not being jealous, you're understandably concerned that, while PILL seem actually neglectful in terms of cleanliness and nappy-changing, they are also actively undermining you as your child's mother. I realise the relationship with grandparents doing childcare cannot and should not be the same as that with a nursery, but you wouldn't feel that stuff was OK from a paid provider.

Why on earth can the toys and clothes not leave their house? I can understand them wanting to have toys there for him, but they keep a special wardrobe of supposedly superior clothes at their house which your child only gets to wear seven hours a week???

I would say you're not happy with the nappy situation and the comments, and make it plain you are considering other options - that is, if you can afford it.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 30/11/2014 20:06

princess do your pils make you feel that bad when you pick them up or say those things? Because I think that pretty awful.

Original poster

Selinasupreme · 30/11/2014 20:06

Well FIL has a sister who is the same as them and used to watch her grandson 5 days a week, take him to PIL house (before I had dc1) and they would all sit and slag the mom off for not cutting his hair, not getting him appropriate shoes (the shoes were fine) and having the nerve to work full time as a teacher. Now none of them see the child as they have relocated, I made a point of saying that it's really damaging to run the child's mother down infront of him and they all looked very shocked.

I guess my point with that is I can imagine the theme of the conversation regarding me is very similar.

arya please have mine!

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 30/11/2014 20:10

YANBU OP

My MIL is lovely - but i do see her doing what you describe with her own daughters son tbh. Some of the 'oh you'd rather be at granny's wouldnt you, not in that pokey little house of mummys' sort of stuff. However SIL relies heavily on her for childcare and seemingly MIL has almost raised her GS herself.

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