AIBU to feel "jealous"

[Selinasupreme]

Long post sorry!

I have DC1 who is 18mo and am pregnant with DC2.

Dc1 goes to PIL for 7 hours a week and nursery for 20 as I work PT but couldn't afford nursery every day.

When DC goes to PIL he usually comes back covered in snot with a full nappy but very happy, they have a big bright open plan house with a large garden, plenty of time and energy to spoil him, when I go to collect him he occasionally won't come over to me and they say things like "you don't like it when mommy comes to get you do you?" And "that's mommy, have you forgotten her" and if he cries as I try to get him in the car seat they will hover round saying "don't worry baby you will be back with us before you know it" they one up me and DH with his Christmas presents, they make comments that we don't dress him very well (I dress him beautifully) I got him a nice advent calendar and they got him a Better one, I know they are only spoiling him and loving him but I feel like they are trying to put me down in the process and remind me that I'm not able to provide as much for him as they can.

they are also saying they want to take him to Disneyland soon, I can't stand the idea of me allowing him to miss out on this because I'm jealous that they can afford it and I can't. AIBU to feel jealous of this and feel like a bad parent in comparison?

selina I bet they do.

They clearly think they have a right to.

Oh and he had conjunctivitis this week as a result of a cold, doctor recommended calpol to ease pain and swelling and some eye drops, we sent DC with these and were told he doesn't need them, he's fine, came back his eyes were terrible. I wouldn't call it neglect per se, it's more ignorance and knowallitis

Selinasupreme

I wasn't trying to make out that YWBU (you aren't) my ILs are just the exact opposite of yours. Sometimes their ambivalence can be equally annoying.

There's a lot of very controlling behaviour from GPs going on here (across a couple of posters).

I would have no qualms about laying down the law. If you're not happy you don't have to put up with it. Pregnant pause, it's totally out of order that GP feed the kids crap, making you the nutrition police. I'd be telling them to desist, otherwise the arrangement changes. Ofer to batch cook something more nutritious to be kept in the freezer if that's what it takes.

OP, your in laws sound horrendous. I'd seriously look at rejigging child care arrangements somehow or having a frank discussion about how upset you are.

It's great that the GPs love and spoil their GC, but as a mother you have the right not to be undermined like this.

I spend 99% of my life wishing my parents or my in laws lived closer and thinking how lucky people with local families are.

And then I read threads like these. Maybe it is better to have no help.....

Your DH needs to be clear about what's acceptable and what's not. He needs to speak to them and tell them that it's not on to make those kinds of snide and derogatory comments to you in front of your child. He should make it clear that it upsets him as much as you, and that it needs to stop.

The lack of nappy changes etc is more of an issue for me, and if they aren't prepared to do as they have been asked to do then I wouldn't let him go there again. Not giving medication is inexcusable as well.

I would perhaps give them one more chance after your DH and you have made it very clear what's acceptable and what's not. If they don't change them I would find alternative childcare and they can see him for supervised visits only.

How would you feel if it was your parents being like this? I never feel I'm missing out when my mum does stuff with DD cos I know how much she gets out of it and, well, she's MY mum, yet I'm not sure I'd feel the same with MIL. I have to sometimes put that aside and just know she loves it but she loves her mum more :)

Now see, I look at this differently. I would suggest that the GPs are finding looking after him difficult and feeling very insecure about the fact that they know you are mum and he loves you WAY more than them no matter how hard they try to buy his love. This shows by their comments. My response would be a massive over the top complete with sickly voice response, everytine they say something like " doesn't ds love being with Grandma and Grandad, it's so much more fun than boring mummy' or ' yes wouldn't ds much rather stay with Grandma and Grandad, you will be bak with them before you know it' infact I would probably get in there before them, tell them how amazing they are and how much ds adores being with them and repeat repeat repeat ..... I expect the comments will stop very quickly.
As for Disney land.... No is a complete sentence :)

It's not about the fact that the child enjoys being with them. It's great that he has a lovely time and a good relationship with them, no one should want to change that.

However, it's not ok to say the snide, passive/aggressive derogatory comments to the OP in front of the child. It's not ok to be lax on basic care like nappy changes, food and giving medication. It's not ok to criticize the OPs choice of clothes and so on. That all needs to stop, and then the GPs can have a lovely time with their GS without alienating and upsetting their DIL and their son/OPs DH.

I would be trying my best to arrange alternative childcare. Having toys that are kept there makes sense, but a whole wardrobe that stays there is freakishly controlling. Really tho it's the comments that would do it for me, along with the substandard level of care.

You are his mother and they need to realise that.

My mum used to make comments like that when I picked DS up. My dad always looked very uncomfortable when she did it and I think he's talked to her about it as she hasn't done it for a while.
I know my mum wasn't trying to be an arsehole insensitive. She's just very tactless.
If they are the same, talking to them may help.
If they are doing it maliciously, I would stop letting them look after him.

I would not be that bothered, your relationship with them is primary and natural, PIL have to actively build a relationship with your DC. PIL know this and I suspect, feel insecure and so play one ups in the hope of winning what they see as competition. If I were you, I would fetch my child with my head held high because no one can replace you in your DC's life.

It's not really working out is it? A set-up like this relies on the GPs having the child's interest as top priority. Which means, encouraging a strong parental bond between you/OH and child, being supportive, ensuring basic care needs are met, and not undermining your relationship in this negative way. It's a strange sort of love they are showing, self-serving.

I've been in your position and would say run a mile! My mum looked after my daughter when I went back to work and she undermined me horribly, it's affected our relationship even to this day.

She ended up keeping all my daughter's clothes at her house, I found it all very upsetting and didn't know how to cope with it. She started by saying that she'd help me out by washing some of the baby's clothes so I didn't have as much to do and it ended up with her not sending any clothes back so her whole wardrobe was there. On a Friday when I collected she would go through all the clothes asking which outfits I wanted for Saturday and Sunday, it made me feel like I was just borrowing my baby back for the weekend. My mum was also very dictatorial over my choices of clothes, she didn't like the way I dressed her and would get her changed if she was already dressed when I dropped her off.

She also insisted on toys staying at her house and refused to feed my daughter as I wanted, gave her sweets all the time so I couldn't give her anything like that at home. Like your mother in law she was very anti-breastfeeding because it meant "nobody could give me a break". I also got comments on pick-up as to what I needed to do with her that night, give her calpol for this etc.

One of the things she did was at a relative's wedding when my daughter was 3 months old - when we were waiting outside my daughter was hungry and sucked on her arm, causing a mild love-bite type mark on her skin. My mum (who spent the whole wedding taking the baby out of my arms) came up to our table in the middle of the meal, saw the mark and SHOUTED (no word of a lie) "Maz210, you've BRUISED her!!!" Every single person at the wedding stopped and stared at me. She obviously had great faith in me as a mother lol

Looking back I can see that my mum didn't really mean to be horrible, she just didn't stop to think how I would feel. I think she may have felt threatened that her baby was now a mother as we were previously very close.

She still comes to our house every week and tries to tell me how to parent the children. She gives them sweets behind my back and tells them to lie to me about it. She turned my children into a battleground and I still don't really understand why? Surely life would be happier if she supported me and we all got along? Maybe she likes the drama, I really don't know. Either way, my advice is the same - run a mile, quick!

OP, I feel really, really worried reading your posts.

I would run for the fucking hills do everything in your power to limit these people's time with your child, and I would move heaven and earth to not allow them to be with him unsupervised. They are toxic, they are using him to glorify themselves and they are coveting him in a really unhealthy way. He is your child. Don't let them insinuate into his life.

Is your DP supportive of you? Do the ILs like you? Treat you well? They sound like they'd like nothing better than to have you off the scene. Nasty creepy bastards.