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AIBU?

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Original poster

To search this girl's bag

27 replies

4amOnATuesday · 20/11/2014 21:00

My 14 DD is having a few friends over for pizza/movie tomorrow. One of the girls (that she has not really known for long and I do not know the parents) has told my DD that she is going to take a bottle of spirits from her parents house to bring with her. My DD does not drink and does not want to (although I know some of the boys coming are allowed to drink at home).

I have told my DD to tell this girl not to bring it and to pretend it will get my DD into trouble if she does, however she is not sure this girl will listen. She does not want to appear a tell-tale so wants me to act as if I don't know, but to find a way to stop her drinking. Would I be out of order to search her bag (when she is not around) and remove the bottle and have it mysteriously re-appear just before she leaves? If not does any one have any advice on how to handle this?

I will be in and out of the room throughout the evening but will not be in there all the time so would not necessarily she her if she is putting alcohol into her soft drinks.

My DD is one of the youngest in her year so many of her friends are 15 but this is still too young to be drinking IMO.

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 20/11/2014 21:03

Can you somehow get her bag to move it, with people around, and drop it to see if it clunks? Accidentally knock IT upside down? You cAnt seArch her bag, as much as you and I would want to.

SophiaPetrillo · 20/11/2014 21:06

Don't search her bag, it's an invasion of her privacy and you could be in all sorts of soapy for for that. Woman up for God's sake and tell them straight there's no alcohol allowed and you won't tolerate it, anyone violating your rules will be sent home.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 20/11/2014 21:12

You really, really can't search her bag. Massive invasion there.

You can however trust your DD to do the right thing and discourage drinking as not a good thing to do in her home. It will be good for DD to manage the situation.

sooperdooper · 20/11/2014 21:15

Don't search her bag, asking for more trouble.

When they're all in the house, pop into the room say hi and then tell them all that no alcohol is allowed and you hope none of them would be silly enough to drink it anyway

She's probably bluffing anyway

Vikingbiker · 20/11/2014 21:18

I'd probably text friend using DD's mobile saying ' this is x's mum. Just requesting you bring a pillow with you Sunday as we are a little short. Also please don't bring alcohol but do let me know about any allergies or intolerances beforehand. Planning pizza Smile'

Then let DD text 'omg that's do embarrassing mum!!!!'

Vikingbiker · 20/11/2014 21:19

Ignore that. Let your DD say something and then you remind them when they arrive. Drive them home if they drink

Justtoobad · 20/11/2014 21:21

It's your house stand up and show control, do the same to everyone as they come in - look in their bags and pockets make a big joke if it, laugh lots and then let then get on with it.
You're the boss.
Pretend you're a community police officer or have such friends.
Do not listen to the ignore advice.

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/11/2014 21:24

I would ask them to open their bag so you can see in on arrival. So you are observing not search. If you see alcohol ( or even liquids) offer them the chance to hand in or go home.

McSqueezy · 20/11/2014 21:25

Tell them politely upon their arrival that alcohol is not welcome in your home. And that you will ask them to leave if they are caught drinking.

DO NOT check her bag.

whatever5 · 20/11/2014 21:28

I don't think you will be doing your dd any favours if you search her friends bags when they arrive at your house. I doubt friends would ever visit again. I would just warn them in advance that you will be sending them straight home if there is any alcohol. I'm sure that you will notice if anyone does drink.

Stratter5 · 20/11/2014 21:32

Jesus, you can't search/demand to see in bags and pockets; your DD will never live it down. Just go upstairs quietly, then knock and go straight in to her room, but give it a good hour/2 hours for them to get going.

SanityClause · 20/11/2014 21:37

You could ask her to show you her bag, surely?

A friend of mine recently had a sixteenth party for her DD, with about 50 teenage guests. She got her DD to email round that no alcohol was to be brought. My friend catered for a couple of bottles of beer or alcopops for each guest (as well as soft drinks).

As guests arrived, she took their bags for safekeeping, and sent the guests round the side entrance. She locked the bags in the hall, and told guests they could ask her if they wanted them.

When the first girl came to ask for her bag, my friend asked if she could see inside. There was a litre of spirits. My friend joked "oh, you shouldn't have!", but then told the guest she would look after the bottle until it was time to leave.

She is a very sociable person, and would have come across as welcoming, but not a pushover. They have a pool, and 50 drunk teenagers would simply not have been safe!

MirandaGoshawk · 20/11/2014 21:40

This. You have to trust them, I think, to a certain extent. Look them in the eye and tell them that if they have brought alcohol that it is not to be opened, or else!

MirandaGoshawk · 20/11/2014 21:43

But you really, really cannot check bags or, IMO, ask them to open their bags.

Original poster
4amOnATuesday · 20/11/2014 21:52

Thank you for all the feedback. It would seem the consensus is not too search. I will make it clear on arrival that I will drive anyone home who I find drinking. It is a pain as this girl lives about 20miles away. So will have to hope I don't have to do that.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/11/2014 21:57

I would make it clear you'll be phoning their parents to come and pick them up, if you find them drinking.

Do you have/can you get hold of their parent's numbers?

avocadotoast · 20/11/2014 22:22

Jesus wept you can't search her bag. Besides the fact that it's totally out of order, if her parents get wind of it you'll kick off all kinds of problems.

CromerSutra · 20/11/2014 22:36

Agree with others. Be open about it and say as soon as they come in that there will be no alcohol allowed. Then say in a friendly but firm way "so, if you've got any in your bags please hand it over now please".

partialderivative · 20/11/2014 22:43

Seriously, I would ask them to open their bag so you can see in on arrival.

4AM Did that really happen when you were a teen?

willowisp · 20/11/2014 22:44

Put yourself on the girls shoes - are you likely to hand over any booze that you've smuggled in ! Because I certainly wouldn't.

Tell the kids to leave their bags in the room where you are & that they need to take out anything they need - I can't think of anything other than their phones.

Agree that if you catch anyone drinking (although how they'll manage this when you've confiscated their bags), ring the patents to collect them - who cares if it kicks off with their parents...?!

Princessdeb · 20/11/2014 22:50

I am really surprised that there seems to be more concern about invading this girls privacy than protecting her safety. A bottle of spirits contains more than enough alcohol to kill a young person. If it was my DD who was thinking of taking and drinking a bottle of spirits I would want someone to tell me so I could protect her safety rather than her privacy! While I accept that this might make things difficult for your DD possibly being seen as a "tell tale" this is the right time to teach her that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult but necessary. Call this girls parents and tell them child is intending to put themselves at risk.

sesamstrasse · 20/11/2014 22:59

They will never come to your home again if you search/'observe' their bags. Same for if you make them leave their bags out of the room and it's only a few friends. They will also think you're mental.

I would keep an eye and if your daughter knows no alcohol give her a safe phrase like 'do we have any popcorn' or whatever, something innocuous that could be used so that she won't get the wraith of telling but situation is still sorted.

MaitlandGirl · 20/11/2014 23:10

My youngest had a sleepover last month for her 14th and I gathered the girls in the kitchen for a chat when they arrived.

I told them, there was to be no drinking as they're all too young and reminded them it's illegal to drink under 18 here, no smoking as they're all too young and if they were found with drugs I'd call the police then their parents.

All the kids looked horrified and one looked very shifty (pretty certain she had alcohol on her) but there wasn't any trouble at all.

Since the party all the girls, except the 'shifty' one have greeted me with hugs when they've seen me and said how much they enjoyed the sleepover and how nice it was not worrying about someone getting drunk.

I take a strong stance on alcohol and pre-warned all the parents about my house rules. No-one had a problem with any of them.

RevoltingPeasant · 20/11/2014 23:13

OP I am very surprised you are thinking of searching or confiscating this girl's bag. What if she has meds in there which she needs? Or sanitary protection she'd rather you didn't see? Or, a wodge of cash? I wouldn't be happy leaving my bag out of sight all evening in someone else's care - if nothing else it's inconvenient if she wants to discreetly change a pad or use something in it.

I think this is only reasonable if you warn people in advance you will be doing this. It's beyond rude and intrusive to allow guests to turn up at your house unawares and then rifle through or remove their personal possessions as a condition of entry when you've invited them.

MirandaGoshawk · 21/11/2014 14:11

This is a really good idea.

Good point about girls being embarrassed if sanitary protection was discovered.

Princessdeb - slightly OTT. You have to manage things sensitively with young teens. Also I can't see that one of them alone would manage a whole bottle of spirits, at least without throwing up most of it. It's only fun if it's shared, and this is going to be denied them.

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