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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect MIL to travel here for a visit this time

32 replies

DragonMamma · 20/11/2014 18:21

I'll try to keep it short.

Mil lives abroad, a 4hr flight away and somewhere we can't afford to fly to very often.

She text a couple of weeks ago to say that she was coming over to the UK for a week at the start of December. She's coming Weds to Weds and is staying at SIL's around 3hrs away who has a DN and is a SAHM

The day she arrives in the UK we are arriving back late that night after a 4 day break, which will be pretty hectic due to where we are going and what we are doing.

We will then be back to work and school for 2 days before the weekend she wants us to go to SILs. We've said it would be easier on everybody if she came here as the DC are 7 and 3 and we'd only get around 24hrs there and MIL could travel down whilst we are in work on the Friday and have 2 full days with us.

We've offered to pay for her train as petrol, hotel and dinner out would be around £200 which we can't really afford after this trip and so close to Xmas.

She was over in the summer and stayed in the same place but aibu to expect her to come to us this time? She seems to think we are and it's just 'easier' for us to go there.

She's only in her 50s and in good health, she's travelling over on her own so there's nothing physical stopping her. We've offered to pay her costs (despite her owing us money) so dh and DC can see their gran.

OP posts:
DoughnutSelfie · 20/11/2014 18:25

I say Tough. If she wants to see you then she can schlep down.

Perfect the if she cavils more

redexpat · 20/11/2014 18:36

Would she listen if you said it comes at the end of a very busy time. It is just too much. We'd love to see you, but could you do the travelling this time?

Original poster
DragonMamma · 20/11/2014 18:38

Red, we've explained the rationale behind it but apparently it's still easier (for her presumably) if we all go to them.

OP posts:
redexpat · 20/11/2014 18:40

Well I guess you'll just have to say sorry, see you next time you're over.

RandomMess · 20/11/2014 18:41

YANBU, just say sorry you're not able to spend the weekend up there but you understand if she doesn't feel able to come down.

SaucyJack · 20/11/2014 18:42

Is she foreign, or an expat?

If there is a language barrier I can see it might not be that easy for her to use public transport.

Otherwise, YANBU.

Lymmmummy · 20/11/2014 18:42

Tough one could your husband perhaps take the lead here - and explain you prefer she come to you - but if you don't see her often it could come across as a bit petty not to visit her - or it may be she would like to see all her grandchildren together? but you have my sympathy as I have had experience of the "type" she sounds like my MIL who genuinely and without a hint of guilt tried to demand we be travelling to her in Ireland by boat (24hr journey which is very expensive) with a baby/toddler for the benefit of my SIL who has no children and plenty of holidays but basically can't be arsed to visit us - so MIL wanted to presume it was to be our responsibility to take children to her - put my foot down - sorry for projecting !! Depends on whether it's a one off you can tolerate or see the value in say bejng cousins together or whether perhaps it's an indication of a habit she may get into which you would prefer she doesn't get into

Lymmmummy · 20/11/2014 18:45

Sorry ireland by boat is def not 24hr journey - just a typo - iits a good 8hour round trip - over exaggeration not intended

KatieKaye · 20/11/2014 18:52

MIL is being petty.
Definitely invite her, mentioning that she was with SIL last time and you are looking forward having her down with you. Say the DC have things to show her etc! It's very unfair to put all the travelling onto one side of the family because she chooses to see her DD but not her DS.
And if she refuses, say "Oh dear, what a pity. never mind, next time come straight to us, and that way both sets of grandchildren can spend time with you."

Her decision - her choice.

girlywhirly · 21/11/2014 09:13

I think she favours her DD over her DS. You ANBU if you can't afford the journey, hotel etc this close to Christmas. I think it's down to your DH to sort this out with his mum, reminding her how many times she's stayed at SIL's and therefore how many times she hasn't seen her other DGC. And that he would hate the DGC to think that their DGM didn't want to come and see them, they have already been asking when they would see her.

durhamgirl · 21/11/2014 10:03

YANBU, my MIL won't even get the bus to travel 20mins to see us, as such she has not yet seen our 10 month old daughter because my husband was tired of being the one that made all the effort. She brings nothing positive to my kids lives so we've stopped trying. Slightly off topic, but the point I'm trying to make is that it should be about give and take, if one person's not interested in making the effort then why should you?

MommyBird · 21/11/2014 10:08

Durhamgirl. I could of wrote that myself Shock

Op. YANBU. If she wanted to see you all, she would. She is choosing not to make any effort!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/11/2014 11:02

"We've offered to pay her costs (despite her owing us money) so dh and DC can see their gran."
Why does she owe you money?

pictish · 21/11/2014 11:07

Yanbu - it's a big ask at short notice at an inconvenient time for you. That's the way it goes. Her dates do not allow for you to facilitate a weekend visit three hours away.
She should come to you and take up your generous offer.
If she chooses not to, that's the way it is. You won't see her this time around, sadly.

outofcontrol2014 · 21/11/2014 11:09

"Perfect the if she cavils more"

This is great advice!

dreamingofsun · 21/11/2014 11:11

i'd suggest meeting up half way then if she doesn't want to visit you. is there a nice town mid way? you could have a longish lunch?

LittleBairn · 21/11/2014 11:14

It sounds like she may want all her family together. If she visits it means her kids and grandchildren don't get to see each other.

campingfilth · 21/11/2014 11:15

YANBU. My ex MIL travelled to see me and DS this weekend as it was his birthday despite having a crippling back problem. This is what you do when you put the needs of grandchildren over your own needs. If and when I have Grandchildren I would expect to do the travelling as packing kids up etc is a pain. Me jumping on a train/car is just easy in comparison.

Do not give in.

MiddletonPink · 21/11/2014 11:17

Is there some back story to this?

I can't imagine anyone being that unreasonable to point blank refuse to come to you when you've offered what you have?

Does she suffer from anxiety/MH problems? Have you fell out with her previously?

ScarletFever · 21/11/2014 11:48

is it a big sum of money owed?
"Well I guess you'll just have to say sorry, see you next time you're over."
agreed

girlywhirly · 21/11/2014 11:49

The SIL and DN could come on the train as well to visit the OP'S family, they could do a day trip if they wanted at the week-end. Why not invite them to do that OP? If they booked train tickets early enough it would be much cheaper.

I suspect as you do that it is more about control and not wanting to make the effort.

girlywhirly · 21/11/2014 11:59

And if DH was feeling particularly pissed off with her he could say that you could have afford the trip if she pays the money back that she owes you.

PicaK · 21/11/2014 13:11

I think it's clear that she prefers staying at her daughter's house and feels more comfortable there than at yours.
My mil is the same. She always has the energy to go to sil's for days at a time (which is 2 hours more travelling) than to us.
It pains me to see lovely Dh and ds treated as second best. But I can't change her and you reap what you sow etc.

Original poster
DragonMamma · 22/11/2014 18:00

Sorry for only now coming back to this.

The sum of money she owes isn't massive but we aren't so well off that we couldn't do with it and can write it off. DH took a loan out for her prior to meeting me and she simply stopped paying, meaning we had to. Which was great, just as I was going on maternity leave. She's in a better financial position now but when DH has asked for some of it back, she says she can't afford it

She probably does feel more at home at sils, although she gets plenty of welcome here and isn't made to feel like a guest. Dh isn't the best at keeping in touch tbh, she probably feels closer to sil but I do what I can, send pics via email etc.

Middleton, no known issues, she isn't the shy retiring type and she probably just wants us altogether but unfortunately we aren't in a position to make the journey this time.

It's supposed to be in 2 weeks and so I guess we won't be seeing her. It's a shame because the DC love her and she's great with them when she does see them.

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 22/11/2014 18:05

'We can't afford to travel I'm afraid. As you know, you owe us £x and things are very tight for us as a result.'

She really has a cheek. I'd be finding it quite hard to be civil in these circumstances, much less pay money to travel to see her!