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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kids father and OH

33 replies

Celestria · 20/11/2014 18:04

Situation. Kids father has called in as he is attending parents evening tonight. I'm not as the kids are unwell. OH was coming down for dinner but refused on hearing my ex is here. He says when my ex is in the house he feels uncomfortable.

We were planning on moving in together soon. What's the general rule with partners and kids fathers? When we move in, should it be a case of ex picks up the kids from doorstep?

I want my OH to feel comfortable but I get on with my ex as the father of my kids and don't really have an issue with him passing time here before doing whatever to do with the kids as he lives out of town.

OP posts:
Bluetonic123 · 20/11/2014 18:09

I think your children's needs have to come before your boyfriend's. If their dad not being allowed in their home would upset then then your boyfriend will have to learn to deal with him being there.

Original poster
Celestria · 20/11/2014 18:10

I don't think it would upset them. They go to his every weekend so spend plenty of time with their father.

Trying to put myself in OH shoes. I guess I would feel a bit of an outsider. Or find it a bit weird.

OP posts:
Squitten · 20/11/2014 18:17

Assuming they have no previous issues with each other, I would not tolerate this kind of nonsense.

Your OH has chosen to be with someone with kids so maintaining a good relationship with their father is part of that. He should be civil if he can't be friendly and if he can't do that then perhaps he's too immature to deal with the responsibility of children.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2014 18:18

I think your boyfriend needs to be open to the fact that he'll probably get used to it, so at some point it will no longer feel weird.

I'm sure the kids would find it odd, if they're used to him popping in rather than hovering on the doorstep.

This could make them view your BF differently.

Sickoffrozen · 20/11/2014 18:26

If your ex and you still get on ok, I really can't see why your OH would have a problem with this. What is making him feel like that? Sounds a bit immature to me. How old is he? Would your ex be ok with him if they were in same room. My ex, me, my oh and ex new wife get on fine. The kids really benefit from this.

Summerisle1 · 20/11/2014 18:28

I think your OH is going to have to accept that your dcs come as part of the package. If you get on well with your ex - and that makes life easier for everyone as well as being better for the dcs - then I can see no reason why your OH needs to feel awkward. Everyone has a past. Best to accept this from the outset.

Pastperfect · 20/11/2014 18:28

I think your OH needs to grow up

DaisyFlowerChain · 20/11/2014 18:29

It is far better to have a good relationship with your child's father and that should come first before a new boyfriends demands or insecurity.

Finola1step · 20/11/2014 18:30

Does your ex still have a key so he can come and go? If he does, I could see how this would be a problem.

If not, then your OH will have to learn to get used to having him visit when he is collecting the dc. Or parents evening, school concerts etc.

That doesn't mean they have to be mates. Just civil and polite will do.

Original poster
Celestria · 20/11/2014 18:32

There has been tension in the past. My oh and I were split for a little while and my ex was staying with me for a month as I was very unwell and he was looking after the kids. My ex did tell my mother that he still loves me and would have me back.

I think my OH feels pushed out when my ex is around. We've just had a bit of a tiff as suddenly the issue has gone from being about my ex to me apparently being harder on my girls than my boys. Hmm

OP posts:
drbonnieblossman · 20/11/2014 18:33

Please don't use your doorstep as a handover point. It's not nice for the children and if you and the ex are comfortable with him coming in the house then carry on that way.

Your partner is being a child. He needs to get over himself and grow up.

Original poster
Celestria · 20/11/2014 18:33

OH is not 'new' as such. We've been together 18 months.

OP posts:
KnackeredMuchly · 20/11/2014 18:42

Your OH is being very unreasonable.

Your children come first and it is
So much nicer if their Dad is welcome in their home.

That said, your OH doesn't have to be there at every hand over as long as he has a plausible excuse.

He would BU if he banned your ex from the house.

HighwayDragon · 20/11/2014 18:58

dp and xp get on well, they've even popped into the pub on handover (at the train station its easier) with dd in tow Hmm

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 20/11/2014 19:08

OH sounds a bit daft to me. My ex and dp often bump into each other at mine. I think it must be more weird for XH to see another man in his old house with his kids, sitting in his chair and looking all at home.

I guess the repercussions of this for how DP feels being in 'another man's house' etc could explain how your Dp feels a bit weird, but I can't imagine a grown man wanting to hide upstairs. but then maybe my DP quite likes to rub XH's nose in it?!

I often see DP's ex when I'm at his house (where she used to live). She has been quite territorial about it and I have felt uncomfortable being there. If I'm still in bed when she calls round I won't get up especially, but I wouldn't feel awkward about being there as we've all moved on.

If there is some unresolved stuff between you and XH then that's an issue that needs sorting, but really your dp needs to be ok as there will likely be plenty of occasions where you all need to be somewhere together.

Hoggle246 · 20/11/2014 19:31

I get you're in the middle here - which isn't fair for your oh to do - but it's really not on for your children's father to not be allowed in the house if he's done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment. And most importantly, it's absolutely horrible for the children. I come from divorced parents where the handover was on the doorstep and it's utter shite. Your children need to grow up in a warm environment and if your oh isn't on board with that then that's a massive red flag imo

Szeli · 20/11/2014 19:35

my stepdad felt uncomfortable with my bio dad coming round as bio dad would let himself in and strut around as he used to own the place

those feelings went completely when dsd and dm got their own place

ThatDamnedBitch · 20/11/2014 20:01

I think your OH needs to get over himself. He didn't come downstairs because your ex was there, how mature. Hmm Unless your ex is abusive I think your OH is being massively unreasonable.

I always made the effort with DH's ex, for DSD's sake. And his ex WAS abusive! I've even gone on the occasional night out with her many years ago. It's all water under the bridge now anyway as DSD is grown up. But it has made life so much easier because I was civil to her in the first place. We all went out for a meal for DSD's 18th and 21st. I'm friends with her on FB. She's not really my type of person but I can get on with her and have a bit of a laugh with her.

Your OH needs to step up and put your kids first here. If he can't get over his own immature petty issues then I would be reconsidering moving in with him. What kind of effect will it have on your amicable relationship with your ex if he has to wait at the doorstep when picking the kids up? And what kind of message is that sending to your kids? Having an amicable and friendly relationship with your ex when kids are involved is worth it's weight in gold. Certainly a boyfriend of 18 months (not that long really) has no business trying to get in the middle of that. Where is your OH going to stop? He sounds controlling and petty TBH.

riverboat1 · 20/11/2014 20:12

Does OH have kids of his own?

Your lives going forward will be much easier if you all can be civil and accept each others existence and importance in your kids lives.

I would try to impress this on OH. Sure, right now he feels uncomfortable and jealous or whatever. But in the long term it is better for you all if you can get along enough to be able to swap contact weekends where necessary, try to accomodate each other and dc rather than making it all a tense fraught battle.

velvetspoon · 20/11/2014 20:22

18 months is quite soon to be moving in together when there are children involved.

You would be best putting that on hold til your OH is more comfortable with your Ex.

That said, I have no contact with my Ex, he doesn't even come to the door of my house, let alone inside. I appreciate you want to stay on good terms for the kids sake but I'd worry in your situation about sending mixed messages to your XH. I don't think he should have stayed at your house, and after his comments to your mum I'd be keeping quite a clear distance. Does your OH know what he said? If so, I can see why he feels uncomfortable about the situation.

MimiSunshine · 20/11/2014 20:23

If you change it to the doorstep you're essentially changing something that works fine for you and your kids to suit your OH. Why?

Why couldn't your OH have come down the stairs, said hi and then busied himself making a cup of tea or dinner or something?

Personally I'd be telling your OH that it's god for your kids to see you and ex having a friendly relationship where you both feel comfortablespending the odd half hour in each other's company and he needs to get over it

Original poster
Celestria · 20/11/2014 20:36

Oh wasn't here, he was at his mothers. He was meant to be coming for dinner but changed his mind. He is not saying he doesn't want ex in the house at all. He just says he finds it very uncomfortable. He knows that my ex became violent which is why I left and he doesn't like the way my ex speaks to me sometimes. Neither he or I have been in a situation with mixed family as such. I do think that if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel uncomfortable but I have no doubt I would get on with it and get used to it.

My oh likes a house being a haven as such. A safe zone. He's not a big fan of visitors in general.

I'm going to chat with him later and see what kind of compromise I can do that suits the kids first.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 21/11/2014 07:36

Firstly. Does he live with his mother? If so it's going to be a big transition for him from parental nest where he's the child to GFs house with kids. I'd be encouraging him to get his own place for a bit.

Secondly. He's not a big fan of visitors? At your house? He is one, why does he get a say who you have round? And haven? I bet he tells you he likes it at yours and it's so much nicer when it's just the two of you?
I'd be very reluctant to change the status quo to suit him, it sounds like he's using your past with your ex to get what he wants.
If he doesn't like the way your ex speaks to you (do you think it's a problem) why doesn't he stand with you and support you?

TeenyfTroon · 21/11/2014 07:43

I don't like the sound of this. Slippery slope was my first thought, them I read the bit about not liking visitors in general.

WATCH OUT!

Flimflammer · 21/11/2014 07:57

Having your ex in your house is weird. They have no place there. I say this as someone whose parents split up without bothering to establish this, so that one day I had to juggle the mother who had left returning for a chat and her replacement upstairs I'll in bed. For a while after I split with sons father he would come in at handover and stay for bloody ages, until it dawned on me that I would not want to sit in his front room, and nor would his new wife welcome me. Out of respect for her feelings I didn't return to my old home when invited(without her knowledge). Its a territory thing. No harm in saying goodbye on the doorstep, its hardly going to mentally scar your children is it?

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