Kids father and OH

[Celestria]

Situation. Kids father has called in as he is attending parents evening tonight. I'm not as the kids are unwell. OH was coming down for dinner but refused on hearing my ex is here. He says when my ex is in the house he feels uncomfortable.

We were planning on moving in together soon. What's the general rule with partners and kids fathers? When we move in, should it be a case of ex picks up the kids from doorstep?

I want my OH to feel comfortable but I get on with my ex as the father of my kids and don't really have an issue with him passing time here before doing whatever to do with the kids as he lives out of town.

Well we've decided not to move in together for now. Though I suspect it might be a 'never' really. OH admits he isn't used to living in a family setting and there are things we do different. He doesn't want to move in and become the bad guy. Finally he said he was just scared. Scared it would ruin us and he would end up hurting us all.

OH never complains about having visitors around. He just prefers his own space.

I also don't like the fact he's now told me three times I'm hard on my girls and soft with my boys. Which just isn't true.

Think we will talk this morning again and just agree moving in is off the cards.

Oh needs to understand that your childrens father might need to come in every so often re pick up etc. if he doesnt understand that he needs to find someone without children. Sorry op but oh is bu here. Can you talk to him to find out why he doesnt like it and what can be done to help the situation.

Why have you already split up once so far.

He is judging you on your parenting when I am guessing he isn't a parent from your posts.

Does he live at his mother's?

I think you are being very sensible putting moving in on hold.

Potentially ruining an amicable parenting relationship which you have to have for how many more years would be in pleasant for you and you DC. It would also be unpleasant for him but he can't see that.

OH was uncertain about the age gap. He is ten years older than me. So we split for a little while. He has always said he thinks I am out of his league.

OH is a parent but his children are all over eighteen.

The judgement on the parenting is a huge deal to me. He knows I struggled with my ex. I had pnd after my eldest was born and struggled to bond with her. As a toddler she was very quirky, hated affection and eye contact. She's nine now and autism diagnosis. My ex husband took over whilst I struggled with the pnd and by the time I was well again (over a year) my dd1 and ex had a really strong bond. I couldn't get a look in and it was like my pnd was held against me. If I so much as corrected her behaviour I was being 'too hard on her'

I also spent years knowing something wasn't right with my eldest but no one would listen. It was just another sign of me not loving my daughter apparently.

Now, I have a strong bond with all my children and they call me the best mum in the world. They have glowing school reports (except 4yo ds2 has hit a few times but it's being dealt with) and I frequently get told how friendly, well behaved and polite they all are.

I don't need to go back to feeling like a 'bad mum'. I actually asked my dd's if they thought I was hard on them. They said I hardly ever told them off and that I told the boys off much more, which is true as my ds are 6 and 4.

Not looking good really is it. Yet most of the time we are brilliant and everyone that knows us say how well suited we are together.

Enjoy your relationship for what it is, OP, but I do think it is the right thing to put off
moving in together.

I live woth dp and we have his kids eow and one n ight a week and actually I cam understand your oh's feelings especially if your ex has history of violence and belittling you!! you yourself say you would also feel uncomfortable so I think yabu to dismiss his feelings just because it's the kids father.

I refuse to allow dp's exw in our house. I don't like her for a jumper of reasons surrounding her wilfully neglect of the kids and using them as pawns in her silly games but she is banned because she walks in without knocking and acts like it is her house. it isn't, she has never lived here and has no claim on it. I now keep the door locked and let the kids in but she stays firmly on the doorstep. this is the kids home but it is also mine and I have the right to feel comfortable in my own home

apologies autocorrect on my phone has gone mad

I can see why your new partner might feel uncomfortable if your old partner/father of your children is making a habit of coming over and hanging out in your house with you for extended periods/several times a week (as if he also lives there, or to socialise on his own behalf) - but if it is more popping in to facilitate handover/debrief you and make sure that the dcs get in OK it seems very reasonable for you not to stop doing that.