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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu and wwyd about friend

33 replies

sangfreude · 13/11/2014 16:36

This is about someone who I used to consider my best mate- maid of honour at wedding, God parent to ds a1.

She has always been career focused and driven. I've always understood this and made allowances for cancellations etc.

The problem is this- she has always and I mean since we were kids been any thing up to or way beyond 2 hours late for arrangements. She has really pissed off a lot of people over the years , including me. She has now moved to a European city and often tries to meet up with me- but she cancels at the last minute every time. I worked out that I haven't seen her in well over a year and that she had initiated and made arrangements to see me on 8 occasions and cancelled last minute every time. The last straw for me had been that she wanted us to go to a festival for a belated hen do for her, due at mine on the Friday night, planning on making our way the next morning. She cancelled at 7pm on the Saturday evening by text.

I know she's been ttc for over a year and she said she thought she might be pg so she didn't want to come in an e-mail a week later,- and I am pregnant which must make it harder - but surely she could have just let me know even a few days before?

I haven't been able to respond as I can't bear to be all like yeah no worries- when in fact I think it's incredibly disrespectful of me and I've had enough. Aibu and wwyd?

OP posts:

Vitalstatistix · 13/11/2014 16:39

I'd tell her that I am really fed up of her always being ridiculously late and keep cancelling things and that it makes me question how much she values a) my time and b) my friendship

Original poster

sangfreude · 13/11/2014 16:40

By the way this has been going on like this for a lot longer than a year- I just want to be clear that things haven't changed drastically since she has been ttc.

OP posts:

SophiaPetrillo · 13/11/2014 16:41

I can only speak from my own perspective and I honestly wouldn't want to continue the friendship. Regardless of her circumstances, she owes you more than this and is taking you for granted. It's up to you how much you want to put up with, friendship is always a trade-off but I wouldn't put up with it any longer. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Original poster

sangfreude · 13/11/2014 16:41

Thanks vital

OP posts:

Original poster

sangfreude · 13/11/2014 16:42

Thanks Sophia

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 13/11/2014 16:45

Congratulate her on her pregnancy. Refuse to make plans to meet up any more and let the friendship fade. If she challenges you, tell her the truth. I had a friend like this once. You get to a point and think enough's enough.

LittleBairn · 13/11/2014 16:49

I think you need to be honest with her that her behaviour isn't that of a good friend. In future if she wants to meet she must make more of an effort.

Frogme · 13/11/2014 16:55

You need to be direct. Were you furious with her last time or did you say nothing. Make your feelings known. Tell her she needs to sort it out or there will be no more friendship then give her one last chance.

If you haven't made a fuss before now then you've only yourself to blame really.

PeppermintInfusion · 13/11/2014 17:06

I have a similar 'friendship'.
I think the best thing to do is let it slide, never suggest meetups yourself unless it is a group of people who will turn up even if she doesnt, and if she does suggest meeting, take it with a pinch of salt and assume it likely won't happen.
I had thought about confronting my friend but it's not worth the hassle, now I get the odd how are you text with a 'we should catch up soon' at the end but I just agree and leave it at that.
They will never admit how flaky they are, etc so no point calling them on it.

fourwoodenchairs · 13/11/2014 17:07

Fuck that.

I agree with Vital

Adarajames · 13/11/2014 17:17

I have ME / fibro so do have to cancel things last minute and would hate people to get too upset with me having to do so. If she doesn't have valid reason like that though, well I'd tell her how rude it is, and how little t makes you thin she values your friendship and then spend time with friends instwad

Original poster

sangfreude · 13/11/2014 20:07

Thanks for messages - I feel better knowing others wouldn't/ haven't put up with it either. I have spoken to her about this before on a number of occasions and sometimes I think she has a genuine mental health problem in relation to it- but I just can't put up with it any longer. I can't face the aggro of calling her on it and I can't face being disingenuous either, so I think ill just leave it and let it fade out.

OP posts:

hoolahoopa · 13/11/2014 21:09

I would just let things drift with her. I agree with Peppermint that flaky people will never admit how flaky and unreliable they are.

Thecroissantthief · 13/11/2014 21:23

I had a similar friend, and After years of cancellations, a couple even when I was at the meeting place waiting, I confronted her, only for her to somehow make out it was all my fault that these things happened and she tried to make me feel bad about confronting her. Needless to say that made for a sudden end to the friendship as I realised what a selfish cow she was. I would go for the fade out if it happened again with another friend.

hoolahoopa · 13/11/2014 21:43

Croissantthief, I once confronted an ex friend who was always late, and she too tried to make out it was my fault, saying that I wasn't being very understanding by getting annoyed at her lateness, and that I couldn't possibly be a true friend because if I was it wouldn't be an issue!

I think lots of late, flaky people are breathtakingly selfish.

avocadotoast · 13/11/2014 21:49

I had a friend like this. I'd always suggest meeting up and she'd always cancel at the last minute.

I just stopped asking. She didn't bother asking back. We don't speak any more. I have nothing against her but it's too much effort having such flaky people to deal with.

BeCool · 13/11/2014 21:56

Well what she is doing sucks, but she is marvellously consistent - you know who and how she is, nothing has changed has it? Same shitty behaviour over and over.

I'd stop making arrangements with her. As the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

angeltulips · 13/11/2014 22:01

I had a friend like this. The final straw was when we were due to meet up, I actually emailed her a couple of days beforehand to check she was still ok and tell her no probs if we needed to reschedule. She said OH NO I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. and then of course stood me up. Didn't even email or text to apologise later.

These days I either delete her emails/texts or just write back and say "sure that sounds nice what dates work for you?" and then just never action them. She knew something was up when I didn't call to tell her I got engaged, married, was pregnant etc - but she still asks to catch up from time to time. It's like the idea of our friendship is more important than the actual fact of, y'know, being friends and communicating stuff.

In summary: fade out is definitely best. Life's too short.

Thecroissantthief · 15/11/2014 16:56

You're right angeltulips about the idea of friendship being more important than actually acting like a friend. The friend I wrote about started a blog about six months before the final straw in our friendship and in a section she wrote about herself, her attitude to life and unbelievably wrote that she always treated people how she would like to be treated and how great a friend she is to everyone. I was , she just doesn't have a clue about what she's really like, as I know I'm not the only one she's been flaky with.

chipshop · 15/11/2014 17:55

Yup, you have two options, confront or let it fade out.

My DSis has always been horribly late and fond of cancelling last minute. After years of seething I told her my thoughts when she turned up at a restaurant over an hour late. They wouldn't seat us until we all arrived and a big group of our family, young and old, were left waiting in the lobby. I asked why did she thought her time was more important than all of ours? She cried and I felt like a complete bitch but she's been punctual with me ever since! Job done.

But then with a DF who kept cancelling on me I just stopped making the effort. She's always emailing saying we should meet up and I'm like yeah great and wait for her to suggest something. She still tells people we're really close but I now think of her as a vague acquaintance as she clearly CNBA.

mimishimmi · 15/11/2014 21:41

My DH had to let go of a friend like this this year. He kept arranging to meet my DH and then he'd cancel, often at last minute. The final straw was that he askedto meet us all at a festival, we had a general time (between 3 & 4) but he was call/text us beforehand to let us know he was on his way. All of Sunday went by, no text or call. Kids were getting impatient and our DS kept asking where Uncle V was so we decided to go along anyway. Got there at 3:45. DH called his friend a couple of times and finally got onto him. He and his wife came out of a tent and it turned out they had been there for about half an hour. I took the kids to a camel ride and that was the last we spoke. Later we saw him walking with his wife, her sister and children, and a friend. Both DH and I agreed that if DH hadn't called him repeatedly, he would never have contacted us to let us know he was there.

I was upset for my DH because it wasn't the first time but I was really cranky that he involved us in his plans too. If I'd known he wouldn't show up, I would have gone and seen my grandfather instead.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2014 21:45

I would distance myself, and don't make any plans. She sounds extremely flaky.

Gintonic · 15/11/2014 21:57

I gave up on a friend who was like this, but it wasn't a best friend. I'm going take a different line to everyone else. I think really close friendships with people you have known a long time are irreplaceable. If it was me I would let her know how I felt and see if she was willing to make the effort to change. Of course it depends how much you value the friendship and how you think she will react. I wouldn't blame you for not bothering any more but years down the line you might regret not giving her a chance?

wombatcheese · 15/11/2014 22:07

let your friend know how you feel. if you've always been polite and said no worries she may be completely unaware of how much her flakiness is not on.
I had similar work a flaky friend. when I told her how hurtful I found her lateness and canceling she really changed.
if your friend doesn't change when you say you really mind her being so crap, you'll know how much she values your friendship.

trixymalixy · 15/11/2014 22:17

My sister has a friend who always did this to her. My sister was totally straight with her and listed all the times her friend had cancelled and said she wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

they are still good friends and her friend now always sticks to the arrangements she makes.

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