aibu and wwyd about friend

[sangfreude]

This is about someone who I used to consider my best mate- maid of honour at wedding, God parent to ds a1.

She has always been career focused and driven. I've always understood this and made allowances for cancellations etc.

The problem is this- she has always and I mean since we were kids been any thing up to or way beyond 2 hours late for arrangements. She has really pissed off a lot of people over the years , including me. She has now moved to a European city and often tries to meet up with me- but she cancels at the last minute every time. I worked out that I haven't seen her in well over a year and that she had initiated and made arrangements to see me on 8 occasions and cancelled last minute every time. The last straw for me had been that she wanted us to go to a festival for a belated hen do for her, due at mine on the Friday night, planning on making our way the next morning. She cancelled at 7pm on the Saturday evening by text.

I know she's been ttc for over a year and she said she thought she might be pg so she didn't want to come in an e-mail a week later,- and I am pregnant which must make it harder - but surely she could have just let me know even a few days before?

I haven't been able to respond as I can't bear to be all like yeah no worries- when in fact I think it's incredibly disrespectful of me and I've had enough. Aibu and wwyd?

Thanks for more thoughts on this. She is a really good friend and I know she loves me - it's just the sham of making arrangements shell never keep and I know this will never, ever change. She knows how much it upsets me, her husband and all her other friends... And somehow every one makes allowances and it just rolls on. It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this and really appreciate all posts.

Tread carefully in terms of what you say (there could well be a mental health issue contributing to this), but don't feel you have to put up with it any longer, whatever the cause.

Monstrous, I really think there could be a mental health issue behind it- but I really struggle to get to grips with what it could be. On one hand, she is highly successful at work, a dh, lots of friends, wide social circle.... On the other I know she suffered a lot of trauma as a child and also a stroke in her mid twenties. The lateness issue has not changed before or since the stroke. She has never had therapy. I just dont understand what it could be that leads her to let friends down so much, even though she does nt want to, to be chronically late and not be able to manage her time with friends when she can at work, to not be able to make decisions to the point of complete inertia and self destruction, with social plans. Would love any ideas!

Another here who let a flaky one go...even as a bit of a flake myself. She was always late by hours and often cancelled for spurious reasons. She let me down at a couple of important events in my life as well.
Eventually I had it out with her, then let her drift.
I have no ill will for her, and still think of her as someone who makes me laugh a lot. Things between us are amicable, and if we meet through mutual friends it's fine, but I no longer make arrangements or seek her out, and I know she's too embarrassed to approach me herself.

I don't miss the feeling of being disposable that she gave me (not just me...she's like that to everyone) and I wouldn't welcome it back. Life is too short to set time aside from a busy life to have it thrown back at you time and again. Nah.

The last straw for me had been that she wanted us to go to a festival for a belated hen do for her, due at mine on the Friday night, planning on making our way the next morning. She cancelled at 7pm on the Saturday evening by text.

Sounds like the sort of thing my ex friend would do.
As I said before, I can be a touch on the shoogly side myself...I'm forgetful and sometimes run late (although will call ahead with apologies, and never by longer than half an hour)...I know how it is to juggle your time, so I'm pretty laid back.

But to just not show up to an arrangement like that, when days have been set aside to accommodate....well that is rude. I couldn't accept that without feeling like a total mug, so therefore I wouldn't.
Words would be had.

Well, sangfreude, I've know depression do that: a combination of (social) anxiety, being demotivated and fatigued. But as I say, even if there is a really sad cause there comes a point for friends when they don't want to be subjected to the behaviour anymore, and I think that's understandable.

I would just distance yourself op.

Thanks all- I think your right. No use scratching my head about what the hell is behind it, because it is what it is- and its totally unacceptable to me. Thanks for advice