Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not feel sorry for DH

27 replies

superbagpuss · 13/11/2014 12:17

I am a work out of home mother, I leave the house around 7am and am at home about 5/5:30 on a good day. At the weekends i fit in washing/ ironing and taking DC to thier clubs/church etc.

DH does school wrap around care and works 10-2 most week days. His boss has asked if he will work the one day off a week he has. He was thinking this would be a bad thing as he won't have time to wash up, do all those little chores and have a long bath. We already have a cleaner two hours a week to keep the house clean.

AIBU to think that working every day and doing the wrap around care is not worse then working full time with a bad communte? And that most people cope without a free day in the week with no work or DC?

OP posts:
Boomtownsurprise · 13/11/2014 12:21

I'm a sahm. I'm providing childcare 24/7.

Dh is commuter. 1.5hrs either way. 5-6 days per wk.

Neither of us has a day away from kids each week. I might manage 2hrs tbh at weekend if he has kids.

I don't know anyone who has a kid/chore free day that has kids tbh.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 13/11/2014 12:22

YANBU

Working on his current day off is totally reasonable.

Does he do his 'fair share' with the kids/house once you are home in the evening and at the weekend?

Why isn't he doing the laundry when he's at home all week? (Yes I know he works, but it doesn't take much to put the washing machine on and peg it up).

He'll have to have his 'long bath' Hmm in the evening or at the weekend, lazy git. If he'd said that to me and I was commuting 5 days a week he'd have got a right ear full!

Original poster
superbagpuss · 13/11/2014 12:25

he does do washing during the week but at the weekend I get the school uniforms washed and ironed and anything I need for work.

He is good in the evenings, tends to cook and we share the bath/ reading/ bed part of the evening.

OP posts:
beavington · 13/11/2014 12:26

How many days does he currently work? I read it as 6 and his boss wants him to work 7th but others have interpreted it differently

Original poster
superbagpuss · 13/11/2014 12:27

sorry 4 days at the moment (weekends are off)

OP posts:
fieldfare · 13/11/2014 12:30

He only works 16 hours a week and you have a cleaner?!
Yanbu at all, tbh he sounds rather lazy!

DollyDreamboat · 13/11/2014 12:35

I agree with the other posters. You're out of the house for almost 12 hours a day, you have a cleaner, and he's worrying about losing his 'long bath'? Hmm

He's got a fucking cheek, imo. How does he think the rest of us manage? Both me and DP work outside the home, full time, and we have 4 dc, we still manage everything, just about!

Long bath my arse.

diddl · 13/11/2014 12:39

So does he only wash up, do little chores & have a long bath on his day off atm?

beavington · 13/11/2014 12:40

Yanbu op. If he is not studying or looking after the children on that day then why should you be working so hard to pay for household bills. Tell him youre dropping your hours so that you can enjoy long baths too.

Babycham1979 · 13/11/2014 13:03

'He only works 16 hours a week and you have a cleaner?!
Yanbu at all, tbh he sounds rather lazy!'

Bloody hell! Would you say the same about the tens of thousands of women on here who arrange their lives in the same way? Doesn't it occur to people that this kind of attitude towards men's (and as a result, women's) roles holds all of us back!?

zippey · 13/11/2014 13:07

Im not sure of the exact meaning of your post, but if your partner is a man then YANBU.

googoodolly · 13/11/2014 13:13

YANBU at all, he should take the extra hours and count himself very, very lucky that he's able to work part-time and spend that much time with his DC.

ShowMeTheWonder · 13/11/2014 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 13/11/2014 13:29

Does he realistically get anything worthwhile done on his day off?

If so, would he now have to do that at the weekends & would that be a problem?

Could he get more done on the days he works so not have to do stuff at the weekend?

Is he most bothered about his long bath??

Original poster
superbagpuss · 13/11/2014 13:50

tbf I have no idea what he does on his day off as I don't come home and ask what he has been doing all day - that just seems rude

From what I could tell yesterday he had had a bath, washing had been done and put out to dry and children had been fed and bathed when I got home (around 6:30). He also buys food at some point during the week as we don't starve and mostly there is milk in the fridge.

OP posts:
Territt16 · 13/11/2014 13:53

So his a stay at home father who works a part time job?

Zippy what do you mean by "Im not sure of the exact meaning of your post, but if your partner is a man then YANBU."

you say just because the main carer of the children is a man he should work more?

musicmaiden · 13/11/2014 14:08

YANBU OP. Is the boss presenting it as something DH has to do or does he have a choice whether to take the work or not?

I can see why he enjoys a day off and see no reason why he shouldn't have one if you are happy with the status quo and financially things are ok for you. However, it is rather a luxury and I don't think 'I won't have time to do all the little chores/my bath' really cuts it as a reason to say no. The rest of the planet, including you, fits these around work and kids.

beavington · 13/11/2014 14:09

I would similarly think someone was being unreasonable if the roles were reversed. Hes not staying at home to look after the children that day. Hes having a bath and some me time. We all deserve some time to ourselves but i wouldnt expect my partner to work to pay for bills while i was getting it. He can have his me time at the weekend like op would have to.

diddl · 13/11/2014 14:14

I think my view is skewed by the "long bath".

Obviously it's great that he can work around the kids & great for him that he's been able to have a day to himself so far.

Presumably your wage has allowed this to happen & you now think that having been offered it, he should take the extra day?

Umbrelladilemma · 13/11/2014 14:24

I don't think YABU.

However, I have experience of both of your working patterns - I do some full days and some 10-2. I can tell you that my full days are much, much easier. I love being able to get up and leave the house before the morning chaos has started. And getting back without having to make tea. I do then do baths and bed alone on these days, but even that is ok as I'm pleased to see the children by that point and don't mind it. On the other hand, my 10-2 days are stress stress stress. Getting children up and ready, rushing to school, rushing to work, rushing bank to school, then entertaining/referring for 3 hrs before bed... phew. I'm definitely more worn out after those days.

WorkingBling · 13/11/2014 14:25

I think this depends entirely on:

  1. do you need the extra money
  2. do you get any downtime currently?

DH is a part time working SAHD. I regularly discourage him from taking on extra work if it means he gets no downtime. But then, I get downtime on the weekend if he's had time off during the week, so it works for both of us.

However, if you need the money and/or you are constantly on the go and get no time out, then YANBU.

KnackeredMuchly · 13/11/2014 14:31

Hmm, I think it sounds like he gets a lot done, keeps the house ticking over very well and one day a week has 4 hours with no childcare or work. I know it's a 'day' but I don't blame him for wanting to keep the status quo. I would.

mynewpassion · 13/11/2014 14:38

I think he's doing his fair share in proportion with his job.

youareallbonkers · 13/11/2014 14:39

If a working dad came on here and said he didn't know what the wife did all day he would be torn apart. Even though all of us who have been sahm really know how easy it is lol

diddl · 13/11/2014 14:43

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you ask what he does.

Things need doing & presumably it's obvious whether or not they have been done?

But if OP feels that she's doing more than her share, then things need looking at?

Swipe left for the next trending thread