Argument with DH about who does more!

[ScrumpyBetty]

This weekend has not gone well! I'm prepared to be told that I'm being completely U, will be interested in what people have to say.
Basically, we live in a house and garden that need quite a lot of jobs doing to keep on top of maintaining both. DH is very handy and does most of these jobs. I am very good about taking DS (2) off at weekends so that DH can get on with jobs, and pretty much every weekend I take DS off for much of the time, although normally we will all spend an afternoon together, and sometimes have a day out the 3 of us.
DH helps with cooking and bedtime in the evening, and he is a good dad.

Anyway, this Saturday, I got DS up, took him out all morning, shopping and went to library. I caught up with DH whilst DS was down for his afternoon nap. DH had been for a run (1 hr) and spent rest of morning insulating loft.
I made a lighthearted comment, can't remember the words, about how good it was of me to have had DS all morning, basically just wanting some acknowledgement of that fact, but it didn't go down well and DH got in to a temper and said I didn't appreciate all the hard work he puts in doing all the jobs around the house, and it escalated in to a huge argument, and we still haven't sorted it out! I know we are both acting like children and I do feel ashamed of myself. So do I need to go and apologise to him? I expect to be told I do!

Yep apologise, you cant gloat for spensing time with your own ds.

one man's joke is another man's passive aggressive dig

Are you sorry? Do you feel you were unfair or unreasonable? Do you feel you genuinely owe him an apology or that you ought to apologise because it's the only way to get things back to normal?

Perhaps just say that you are sorry that you have had this disagreement.

And then you could say that you think it would be helpful if the two of you sat down and discussed how you feel.

So you went out for a lovely leisurely morning with your toddler, meandering round the shops and library, leaving dh to do the hard and dirty jobs?

And then asked him to thank you?

Whoops.

Your comment about how good it was of you to have DS all morning makes it sound like you think you were doing your DH a favour.

Not good.

You could also examine whether there might have been some truth to the 'joke' you made. What were you trying to say? Is it purely that he never actually says thank you for the things you do? Because then you need to tell him that you feel unappreciated. Or is it that you're starting to feel like you'd like some time to yourself at the weekend too? Because that's perfectly reasonable. But you're not likely to get it unless you actually say so.

Did you thank him for insulating the loft?

The title of your thread indicates that you think you do more than your DH but the content of your OP just says you took your son out for a morning.

If you could have insulated the loft while your DH looked after your son then I'd maybe push the argument- if not I'd back down and accept that you both have to do jobs to keep things going.

[embarrased] yes LyingOld, I admit it doesn't make me sound good...not all leisurely, there were a few temper tantrums to contend with, but yes I get what you're saying

Yes HolgerDanske, I think that's exactly it, I do feel a bit unappreciated, but then I expect DH does too, so yeah we do need to sit down and actually have a heart to heart and show each other more love and appreciation!
Thanks for your replies x

I think you're getting a hard time here OP, but maybe because I'm in a similar situation. We're renovating a house at the moment and the division of labour / looking after dc is causing some disagreement. DH is doing a lot of the hard graft while I look after the kids and while I know he has the harder side physically I do think I've got the tougher side emotionally (in particular with helping our oldest through the transitions of moving house and having a sibling - he's finding it tough)

DH and I are trying really hard to support each other though because ultimately we're working towards the same goal - a great home. What do you actually want? Do you need some recognition? Or do you need some time out? Your dh got a run this morning - do you get time to yourself?

It sounds like a passive aggressive dig to me.

If I were your DH, in all seriousness I'd suggest you learnt to do the DIY so he can have a nice day with his son.

And why does your DS have to be taken out of the house anyway, because the loft is being insulated?

Yes I forgot to say, hopefully you thanked him (or more accurately, expressed your appreciation - I don't think thanks is necessarily appropriate for something that needed doing, just the same as I don't actually think he should have to thank you for looking after your own son)

Bearbehind- no, I think I should have done though.

It's exactly the same in our house, btw, and everyone I know.

Everyone thinks THEY are the partner who does the most. Dh and I make light of it by doing over the top 'I've put a load of washing in FOR YOU' statements. But I still think i do the lions share, and so does he.

#marriedlife

Worral- I didn't have to take him out. I would in all serious love to do some DIY, as much as I love spending time with DS there are times when I'd like to be doing something different.

HolgerDanske- yes I totally need to express my appreciation of all he does around the house more.

I don't think it matters who physically does more. It's not always possible to make it exactly fair. What matters is that each partner's investment is acknowledged and properly appreciated. And that both partners get equal down time. That's very important.

Of course you need to apologise, he has worked on diy jobs whilst you got to go out. Who on earth says thank you to a parent for looking after their own child, surely that's expected?

Worra - I don't want to speak for the OP, but my DS needs to be taken out everyday (preferably several times a day) regardless of DIY. At the risk of making him sound like a dog, he needs regular exercise or is no fun to be around!

You've hit the nail on the head HolgerDanske! I think we haven't been communicating very well lately, we are both having trouble recognising and acknowledging each other's contributions.
Your replies have made me aware I need to appreciate what he does more, and bring up the fact that I need some appreciation too! :) thanks

Apologies, glass of wine later and a little talk about the need for appreciation of each other. And maybe you do need to make sure you get some down time at weekends too. I have a feeling it might be the run that's the issue here. If he routinely gets time to get out and clear his head with a run at weekends while you have the little one, you need to make sure you're doing something like that too. Don't leave it to fester, it'll end up in horrible resentment.

A lovely leisurely potter with a 2 year old? Are you serious? Most 2 year olds are bloody hard work and yes, I would be delighted if my partner had done that so I could get on with some jobs in peace.

I would suggest a swap next weekend - each take a day with your DS and each take a day DIY-ing.

OP "as much as I love spending time with DS there are times when I'd like to be doing something different." -I'm with you

Or, indeed, doing anything and knowing you'll be able to finish it.

loft insulating is a buggger of a job. hot dusty, sweaty, bent double with knees on the rafters. come out filthy. a few bumped heads too if you are not careful.

I don't know, I still think YABU really.

Looking after your child when you're a parent is just a standard thing to do.

I'm sure your DH would have looked after him if he wasn't up in the loft, working hard.

Flip it round - if DH had expected to be thanked because he'd taken DS out while you washed all the windows, hoovered and dusted through the house and cleaned the kitchen, what would you have said?

Yes ipaddy- you are exactly right, a morning out with our 2 year old is anything but leisurely, and I do love it when DH takes him for a few hours so I can get on with jobs in peace. I think that's the crux of it, which I haven't communicated to DH, is that I'd like a few hours off so I can get on and do some jobs too! But I didn't communicate it well.

Well, me and my DP share having our two (3 and 1), and when we are not we both get to work or do chores, or whatever. Childcare is definitely the most inconvenient, Godwin because even just having lunch is like being a the zoo or whatever, you don't get two consecutive minutes to eat your food. And it's impossible to have an entire thought in your own head, which you can follow from the beginning to the end.

For that reason, I find working etc restful - I find being able to be in charge of what I am doing and when about a million times more relaxing than negotiating how many effing stories before we're going shopping. Shopping is a half brained thing with children in tow, too, bloody heavy bags you have to drop in an instant when they decide to investigate something impossibly fragile/ expensive. Not to mention the fact you have to manhandled the shopping while picking someone up because they need either physically to be held away from the produce or they have suddenly decided their legs don't work, or the scooter is boring or whatever.

I'm not saying insulating a loft is easy but there is a degree of mental peace and clarity that comes from not having to tend to someone who is functionally mad. And he had time for a run. And the toddler is his son as well as the OP's. It's the DP' s own son too, she didn't get time for an hour doing what she pleased.

OP, you can both thank each other for the things you do that contribute to the house. One person thanking the other, or asking for appreciation, should not signal to either one.of you that the other wasn't also contributing. Sounds like you both feel unappreciated.