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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my dd to nursery when I go back to work

35 replies

Wilf83 · 05/11/2014 12:28

It just wouldn't make financial sense to send her to nursery. After all expenses I'd be earning £20 a day. Instead my dh & my parents will be looking after her 3 days a week. My dh does shift work so will be at home quite a lot sometimes. But all I hear from other mums I know is that nursery will be great for their little ones as they will have great social skills & make friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilf83 · 05/11/2014 12:29

Should add that my dd will be 1yo when I go back to work.

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 05/11/2014 12:31

Do your parents know that you expect them to care for her? Will they do it willingly and reliably for free? It can wear thin very quickly unless they also had a lot of help from your grandparents in raising you.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 05/11/2014 12:33

Of course not. No child needs to go up nursery. Mine didn't And grew up fine.

Sure you and your dh have friends with children and she could do activities when she's older and of course pre school too.

People always stick their beak into your parenting. Tell them to fuck off.

MsVestibule · 05/11/2014 12:33

Nursery can encourage babies to mix with other little ones, but it's not the only way. Will your parents/DH be taking your DD to any toddler groups, or will you take her on your non-working days? It sounds mad to pay to send a child to nursery when you don't need to!

KatoPotato · 05/11/2014 12:34

I went back to work 3days a week when DS was 1yo. My very awesome Inlaws watched him those three days and still pick him up from school to this day.

It works for us, they've been amazing and he had no issues whatsoever starting preschool at 3.5 and school at 4.5. He's sociable friendly and thriving.

MsVestibule · 05/11/2014 12:35

Bit snippy, Mimi. There is nothing in the OP to suggest she 'expects' her parents to do this. For all you know, they could be more than willing to do it.

dottytablecloth · 05/11/2014 12:35

What is your relationship like with your parents?

Probably a stupid question but you need to really think long and hard before relying on free Childcare.

I left my ds with my MIL one day a week and it was a total disaster! Everything about it got on my nerves, I honestly believe paid for Childcare is a far better arrangement and better for the children socially, in my experience.

MIL will NOT be looking after my next maternity leave, it's musts far too stressful. Having said that though, my dm helps me out 3 days a month and there are no issues at all. I trust her implicitly.

Just something to think about.

NancyRaygun · 05/11/2014 12:36

it is one of the great problems facing today's parents. Going back to work is basically unaffordable, if your parents can help you grab it! My personal opinion is that children are happier in a home environment but socialising at baby groups etc until they are over two.

The problem isn't the setting, it is that are your parents SURE they are up to this... its hard work.

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2014 12:36

None of my 3 went to Nursery until the school year they turned 4 (School nursery).

I didn't bother with groups either as a few of my friends would visit with their kids.

They're all doing fine.

KatoPotato · 05/11/2014 12:36

Also your friends are obviously going to big up nursery because that's what suited them. They may feel it has benefitted their DCs and that's great, but don't worry about not doing the same!

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2014 12:38

Mind you, you say you'd be earning £20 a day after paying for the nursery, but why would it only come out of your wages?

Surely your DH should be paying half for the childcare?

HappyAsASandboy · 05/11/2014 12:40

Kids do just fine in nursery, and they do just fine if they never go! People will always defend their own decisions - after all, they're never going to sit down and tell you they've done it all wrong and you've made all the right choices!

While people decide to parent differently, people will feels judged by others who have made different decisions. It's human nature and unavoidable!

TinyTear · 05/11/2014 12:40

What Worra said.

I paid 1/3 of the nursery fees and my DH pays 2/3 as he earns more...

Also bear in mind - would your DH take the baby to groups and activities? A friend of mine went to work while her DH stayed home, but the boy never went anywhere as the DH was embarassed to be a man among all the mums/female nannies in the groups...

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/11/2014 12:44

They don't need nursery at that age. Surely being with grandparents is not all that different from being raised by a stay at home parent, and I have never seen that be an issue.
Both my DC were at home with either me or DH until they started preschool, and we weren't big on going to lots of clubs (due to my ill health etc) but did socialise a lot with their cousins. Both are now school age and have no issues at all with their social skills, in fact both of their teachers said they were the most friendly and helpful class members, and that they always join in.
It has done them no harm what so ever socially to not attend nursery before they were 3 (started preschool).
You need to do what works for your family, and if that is grandparents then so be it.

Metalguru · 05/11/2014 12:45

I don't personally believe 1 year olds particularly benefit from social interaction with other babies- what they need is a key person who is warm, caring and familiar. Someone who will chatter away to them, meet their needs and make them feel secure and loved. They will naturally become social then. Either gp, childminder or nursery can provide this, how well is all about the key person and only you can judge that

mommy2ash · 05/11/2014 12:45

as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement it's none of anyone's business. my sister is having her second child soon and recently told me her plan for returning to work is that I only work three days, she works three days and we share childcare. the only problem is i don't need childcare and can't pick and choose when I work, im a single parent and couldn't afford to live on three days pay. i was honestly so shocked i just laughed and said really.

I wouldn't listen to anyone else do what is best for your family.

SaucyJackOLantern · 05/11/2014 12:47

Assuming your parents are sane and on board with your plans..... then YANBU at all. I'm sure nursery is fine, but I'm yet to meet a baby who would be happier in a nursery setting than they would be at home with a parent or grandparent.

BathshebaDarkstone · 05/11/2014 12:48

She's 1! She can learn all that at preschool when she's older. Smile

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/11/2014 12:51
  • Forgot to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with using a nursery at all. I realise my last post may come across that way, its not what I intended. Plenty of children attend nursery and do thrive and come on beautifully there, if it works for a family then that is great. What I was meaning was that children can do just as well in a home environment, and if that works better financially then I can see why you would opt for it. For us, we worked shifts around each other to avoid the nursery fees (or it was not worth me working financially) but I realise that is not an option for everyone.
NewEraNewMindset · 05/11/2014 12:52

I agree about making sure your family will be reliable. My sister had to rely on my mother for childcare and once my Father got ill it became extremely difficult for everyone. At least paid childcare allows you to dictate terms as you are not grateful and it generally a very reliable service. Downsides are finding a place in a very good nursery, fees going up, your child getting the benefit of socialisation along with all the germs and illnesses so time off work.

Personally I would perhaps use family AND a local childminder. So you and your child already having the benefit of using a local childcare provider if something changes and your family can no longer care for your child in the future.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 05/11/2014 12:54

They don't need nursery, but if I were you I would put her in there (or with a childminder) for 1 session a week. That way if something goes wrong with family care you've got a better chance of nursery taking her for longer at short notice.

Original poster
Wilf83 · 05/11/2014 12:58

Wow didn't expect the first response to accuse me of exploiting my parents. To answer your accusation my parents offered & have already looked after my very boisterous nephew for 4 years (he is now at school) so they know what to expect. Plus as I said my dh will be able to look after her lots so it won't be every week they'll be looking after her.

Everyone else- thank you for your responses. Yes I hadn't thought of it but there is no reason why my dh & parents couldn't take dd to play groups etc.

My worry is that at the moment the play groups I go to are very clicky with everyone knowing each other from NCT & just don't want my dd to feel left out when she gets older.

OP posts:
Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 05/11/2014 13:02

I used to say that going to preschool was great for my children. Largely what I actually was doing was a preemptive defence of having to go back to work.

Original poster
Wilf83 · 05/11/2014 13:06

We have a joint account so all money is shared between me & dh. But we worked it out that with train & tube fares & minus childcare costs it would be £20ish. We worked it out against my wage as I'm the one that is currently providing childcare & I'm not travelling for 2.5 hours round trip a day for an extra £20 into our account. DH has good job & wage pays for everything. Mine will just be helping us out with extras.

OP posts:
minipie · 05/11/2014 13:11

Regarding playgroups: don't write them off just yet. NCT cliques tend to drop off as people go back to work.

There are always cliques at playgroups but there are also plenty of people not in the clique iyswim. Anyway your DH and parents will find their own playgroups (or other activities) for DD to socialise at.