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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendly catch up or dangerous liaison?

36 replies

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 19:41

An old friend recently got in touch as he will be visiting the area I live on a work trip & asked if we could meet up. Initially I was delighted. To give you some background we hung around in a large mixed group when we were teenagers, he went out with one of my friends although we did have a little dalliance at one point. Anyway hie then sent a message that sort of implied I should dress to impress (not his words but don't want to out myself), I made a jokey reply as though I thought he was referring to himself to try to deflect. His reply then got more flirty referring to what type of underwear I should wear! I replied saying I was happy to meet up but must make it clear I wasn't interested in anything else as I am happily replied. He came back laughing saying he was only joking. Now I feel stupid, I'd live to go to catch up with an old friend (I moved away from childhood home many years ago so I don't get to see old friends very often) Do you think I'd be daft to go?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 19:42

Sorry that should say happily married not replied!

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TheBogQueen · 02/09/2014 19:48

Well I sometimes meet up with old male friends.

They don't tend to comment on what I should be wearing.
Because they're not sleaze bags.

No if course you shouldn't meet up with him.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 19:53

It wasn't really telling me what to wear, more like 'best hair-do!', which could have been in reference to the place he'd booked being fairly nice, so my reply was along the lines of 'good to hear you've still got hair' sorry trying not to write actual convo just in case!!

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Pensionerpeep · 02/09/2014 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 02/09/2014 19:58

If you want to meet up, then go and meet up. You've told him nothing is going to happen. I presume you are meeting him in a public place? You are unlikely to be overcome with lust and change your mind when you see him, so meet, have a nice lunch and then leave.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/09/2014 19:59

He referred to what type of underwear you should wear.

Of course you shouldn't go. I'm surprised you are even asking tbh.

AuntieStella · 02/09/2014 20:00

If the 'dress to impress' is an obvious reference to a shared teenage in-joke fom that set of friends, then it's ok.

But the underwear follow up is tacky (as is original comment if no in-joke).

If you do decide you're going to meet him, then I'd avoid anything remotely date-like.

Frontier · 02/09/2014 20:00

Hmm. I would normally say of course you should go, if you want to.

But a text from someone you haven't seen in years, referring to underwear is odd, unless you had a relationship that involved lots of innuendo/saucy banter before?

It is nice to meet up with old friends - it's also nice to introduce them to your DH....?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2014 20:02

Have you asked DH whether he would go out for a drink with a women who talks about his underwear? Because I wouldn't be impressed. Apart from anything else, he sounds like a knobber.

mommy2ash · 02/09/2014 20:03

would you want your husband to meet up with another woman in the same circumstances?

he sounds a bit creepy to me

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 20:03

Yes it's a public place and I would tell DH I was going. It could well have been old friend joking, we always were that sort of flirty friendly was when we were young (which is how we ended up having a brief dalliance!). Which is why I'm not sure wether to be mortified I took his joke seriously (like "get over yourself love!) or wether he was testing the water but now I've made it clear I'm not interested we'd be able to enjoy a catch up. I'm in my forties for god sake!

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CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/09/2014 20:06

Are you going to show your DH the messages this bloke has sent you before telling him you're meeting him for a catch up?

mamasilla · 02/09/2014 20:06

Go and see what happens. I think you were very clear from the start! Well done you

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 20:08

DH won't be here unfortunately, otherwise I would have asked him to come too. But you're right, I don't think I'd like DH to meet up with someone from his past if they were being openly flirtatious. The thing is that was what we were all like back then so I can't make my mind up if it was indeed just a badly thought out joke, or if he's turned into some sad sleazy old man!! Because he was a really nice guy once upon a time. He is also married with kids if that makes a difference. Sent me photos of his kids etc.

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LurcioAgain · 02/09/2014 20:11

I have lost count of how many male friends from my younger days randomly got back in contact when I was in my forties - I used to send very noncommittal emails and count how long it took them to get round to the"my wife doesn't understand me" email. About half did. The other half are back on my Christmas card list. Frankly I would be surprised if he was joking.

Pusspuss1 · 02/09/2014 20:11

Sounds dodgy to me. I say don't go!

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 20:16

He always stayed in touch with the girl he went out with for a few years and he asked her for my number when he discovered he had a work trip to my country, not far from where I'm actually living. In my head that makes it not as odd as suddenly getting in touch if we lived in the same town. Am I trying to persuade myself because I've got myself into a pickle? Not sure how I would get out of it now either?!

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Frontier · 02/09/2014 20:21

IME, being in your forties is the very riskiest time for old friends to turn into something else.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/09/2014 20:21

You clearly don't feel entirely comfortable with a meet up, and you have admitted you wouldn't like it if your DH was meeting up with someone in these circumstances, so why are you trying to persuade yourself it's all ok.

I'd text "it was initially nice to hear from you, however, I know you say you were joking before, but I feel very uncomfortable about meeting up with you now so I'm going to give it a miss"... and leave it at that.

You don't owe this guy anything, you certainly don't owe him any more explanation than that, or the benefit of the doubt.

Itsfab · 02/09/2014 20:26

It sounds like you really want to see him and are trying to justify why it would be okay after all.

PortofinoRevisited · 02/09/2014 20:29

I would totally swerve this to be honest. He sounds sad and creepy.

sonjadog · 02/09/2014 20:33

I don't think you really have gotten yourself in a pickle.

Either you want to meet him or you don't. If you don't, then tell him no thanks. If you do, I don't really see the problem. He can want whatever he wants but he isn't going to get it from you. You have made that clear, right? Maybe he was testing the water but now you have said no, he's stopped with the suggestive comments. Or maybe he was just reliving an old communication form you had and it meant nothing. Either way, he knows nothing is going to happen.

So if you want, meet up, have a chat and then leave. Make it clear when you meet that you have to be somewhere else in a couple of hours, take your car so you can't drink. Maybe go for a coffee instead or dinner. There are many ways to make this meeting non-sexy.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/09/2014 20:33

Oh for goodness sakes, if it was completely innocent then no talk of underwear would even be on the radar.

Read the signs!

Have you told your husband about the underwear discussion. If not then I think you have your answer.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 02/09/2014 20:48

To be honest I've not mentioned anything at all to DH yet, he's not been here so not really had chance. I did delete the convo off my phone because I felt it looked dodgy! In a kind of panicked 'god DH wouldn't be impressed by that' when I first read it, rather than a deliberate hiding it from him. Not quite sure how DH will take it tbh, he's not overly keen on any if my old pals, his ex cheated on him on numerous occasions so didn't initially find it easy to trust although I think he trusts me now. I think I'll run the whole thing past him when he gets home and tell him I wasn't sure if he was being flirty so felt I had to make it clear I wasn't interested in anything other than a catch up & see what he thinks. God then I feel like I'm asking DH permission and I hate that idea!!

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FunkyBoldRibena · 02/09/2014 20:53

I think you should just tell him 'he started flirting so I am not going'.

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