Friendly catch up or dangerous liaison?

[WhatDoYaThink]

An old friend recently got in touch as he will be visiting the area I live on a work trip & asked if we could meet up. Initially I was delighted. To give you some background we hung around in a large mixed group when we were teenagers, he went out with one of my friends although we did have a little dalliance at one point. Anyway hie then sent a message that sort of implied I should dress to impress (not his words but don't want to out myself), I made a jokey reply as though I thought he was referring to himself to try to deflect. His reply then got more flirty referring to what type of underwear I should wear! I replied saying I was happy to meet up but must make it clear I wasn't interested in anything else as I am happily replied. He came back laughing saying he was only joking. Now I feel stupid, I'd live to go to catch up with an old friend (I moved away from childhood home many years ago so I don't get to see old friends very often) Do you think I'd be daft to go?

I think you're right. It's not for a few weeks so I think I'll text next week saying DD has something on that night now so I can't make it after all. Mutual friend doesn't know that this friend and I had a fling all those years ago. They weren't together at the time but still! Not something I'm proud of now but I was a teenager, never felt it necessary to tell her, it meant nothing & seemed like it might hurt her for nothing. One of those where I'd only be telling to clear my own conscience and that felt wrong. But that puts me in a tricky situation that I wouldn't want to tell her I didn't want to meet him because he'd been too flirty!!!! Think I'd rather just say it was a shame I couldn't make it because of other commitments. How have I got myself in this mess!

It's not a mess, don't worry about it. You've got a sensible sounding excuse.

Thanks Atrocious, I feel ridiculous having this school girl drama at my age! Why do men gave to be such dicks! It would have been lovely to catch up with an old friend!

The underwear comment puts him firmly into the sleaze category.

You know in yourself that if an old friend of your DH was engaging with him in such a way as this, you wouldn't be delighted.

And I say this as someone whose DH has lots of old female friends, all of whom are fabulous, and none of whom would interact with him in such a way (because they're not sleazes).

I dunno, it seems to me that most physical affairs start off as emotional affairs, and most emotional affairs start off with a bit of ego-boosting and flattery, and then it all descends...

Nobody is blaming you for being susceptible to a bit of flattery and banter, but unchecked, these things can and do lead to situations that aren't great (assuming you're in a committed relationship).

Sometimes it's just easier to bolt the gate rather than deal with the subsequent fall out. And also a bit of empathy doesn't hurt - if you wouldn't want your DH interacting in such a way, etc, etc...

I definitely think he was testing the water with his underwear comment (SERIOUSLY, no one who wanted to catch up with someone on a friendly basis would mention their underwear!) and now that you have made it clear you're not interested "that way" he's going for the old "oh it was just a joke" get-out-of-jail free card.

If you're not feeling comfortable about meeting him now, please remind yourself you don't have to meet this bloke merely because he has asked you to, and you don't have to justify your decision to him either.

You haven't got yourself into any 'mess' either - he's made the mess; it's his. Just send him on his way!

Thanks Ilkely! I've just realised that's exactly what I needed to hear. Why am I blaming myself because he's been inappropriate & made me feel uncomfortable! It would have been nice to meet a friend but if I'm honest with myself he's ruined that now with his silly comments. The fact I felt it necessary to make it clear I wasn't interested has changed the whole vibe. I hate confrontation so think I'll stick to my plan of cancelling nearer the time. He's only in the area briefly so shouldn't be a problem.

In fact what do I care if he sees this - unlikely anyway! Exact conversation (after very innocent 'I'm in the area fancy meeting or dinner?'

Him: table at xxx booked
Me: great, looking forward to it
Him: best lippy on
Me: didn't realise you'd taken up cross-dressing
Him: very funny, ok I'll wear the lipstick, you wear those stripey knickers you used to wear!

He doesn't sound right. Who contacts an old friend out of the blue, suggests they meet up and then hints at what underwear they should wear.

i would avoid at all costs.

He could just be joking.

Just saying.

But if you're uncomfortable, cancel it.

You're welcome Go out with some real friends on the night instead x