To want to see my nephew?

[StuntNun]

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

[Gruntfuttock]

HereBeHubbubs that would be a pointless thing to do, they obviously wouldn't let her in.

I wouldn't contact them if I were the OP. Her mother will tell her if and when the situation changes.

[Momagain1]

I dont think Jaffa's comment is over the top at all. One of my brother's wasin a situation like that. It was only later, when it was all behind them (and him single parenting the DNs) that we realized the many red flags we had ignored because of gender. Things my other DBs and parents would not have ignored /accepted as odd / made excuses for if it had been me and my husband.

Turns out the sister in law that was a teacher was who we should have paid attention to. In their state in the US, certain professions like doctors and teachers are legally obligated via their licensing to report certain suspicians and situations regarding any child, not just their patients/students. Early on, she and my DB3/her DH had a falling out about DB2 and his wife, her first kids and the first DN. And from then on, she would have absolutely nothing to do with them, or even show up if they were coming. Instead of taking the hint, they all got mad at her. (I didnt, but i am way over here).

[HaroldLloyd]

Not as often as DM would like - not allowing family members to visit for a year goes far beyond the normal senario on mumnset.

[canweseethebunnies]

I normally hate it when the 'what if the genders were reversed?' Questions come up because they often miss the subtle but salient points in the translation, but in this case, I agree!

If that was my DB I would be concerned, and I wouldn't consider our relationship especially close. The only rational explanation I can think of is that the dn has some kind of condition or disability that they fear he might be judged for, so they want to keep it quiet.

[canweseethebunnies]

Also, unless you're incredibly pushy and interfering, OP, I can't see why they'd have a problem with you sending a gift?!

[slithytove]

SIL has been nice in the past
DB is keen on Skype
Mum visited 9 months ago ish
They visited mum and dad within last 9 months
OP saw DB recently at a funeral

Baby has been in hospital with several operations after a complicated birth

None of this is screaming that SIL is abusive to me.

[FlipItDigger]

Exactly what slithy said

[olgaga]

Agree with slithy.

There's no indication of anything abusive or even that "weird" in anything posted by OP.

Just busy new parents wanting to have meet-ups on their terms!

[Evabeaversprotege]

Why aren't you allowed to send the baby a gift?

[RigglinJigglin]

Interesting that SIL is getting pointed towards being the blame....

Sounds like my DH, you'd hear a tall tale from his sister about how close they all are - sees them about the same frequency as OP mentions. DH can't be arsed with his sister or brother, I'm sure I get the blame for that too as it happened about the same time as we got married. It's not that he doesn't like them, he just isn't as close as the perceive him to be and they majorly piss him off

[slithytove]

I have an 18 month old.

My sister has tried to force herself on me left right and centre since he was born. Was fine at first but then I got pregnant again and it's not been easy, I've barely seen her since Christmas. I think the last time was march.

I've not seen my brother since Christmas.

They both fuck me off and life is hard enough. I'm 40 mins away from each of them and haven't managed don't want to make concrete plans with my sister. Theoretically she could think DH is abusing me.

She would be wrong.

[slithytove]

Oh. And we don't even Skype.

[Pancakeflipper]

It sounds odd to me.

Very secretive.

I know from my own experience that when a child is in and out hospital you don't want visitors. And even if not giving blow by blow accounts of what the issue is/what the op is for - well majority of people give a generic kinda reason.

Not allowed to send presents?

I can understand your bewilderment and worries. But they hold the control on this. It is their little family unit. As sad as it is because I am sure you could provide great support.

[LoonvanBoon]

I don't understand the gift issue either. Why would you ask for permission to send a baby gift? More to the point, why would you wait until the baby is nearly a year old to get round to thinking about a gift?

It's all very odd, but not just the DB & SIL's behaviour - the whole scenario. As slithy points out, there's been a fair bit of family contact of one type or another. So I don't get why OP knows so little about issues such as the baby's health problems. Surely your mum knows something, OP, as they've visited her? Is she as concerned about the situation as you are?

[StuntNun]

DB just said a present for DNephew might 'set her off again' so I shouldn't send one.

Waffly they were together for about a year before getting married.

Harold that's what I think. They don't have to give any details but it would make me feel easier to know there was some reason other than they just don't want visitors. I know they used to go out a lot for meals, short breaks, theatre but DB says they don't have a babysitter so they only go out to parks now.

Lunar my DB has always been a private person but the secrets only started recently. There have been other things like he was made redundant and didn't tell anyone. Now I have been made redundant myself and I understand that it's distressing and not something you want to talk about but coupled with all the other secrets it seems more concerning. DB emailed pictures of DNephew to my other DB recently so there's no sign that there's anything to be concerned about regarding his welfare.

Flip my DS3 was born just after their wedding and I had SPD beforehand that prevented me from travelling, then DSIL got pregnant soon after the wedding and wouldn't travel. I thought the best time to go would have been after DNephew was born but obviously there has never been a good time for them to have me visit. My mum went to visit a few months after DNephew was born and they went up to her house a little later to see my dad who is in a nursing home and can't travel. They didn't give enough notice for me to arrange flights plus my mum's house isn't really big enough for a lot of people to stay. And it's not a case of hysteria. I started this thread looking for feedback on whether this situation is abnormal. It's hard for me to speak to my DB without DSIL being present because he isn't allowed to take personal calls at work. I also sense he doesn't want to talk about it, whether that's because of a need for privacy or because he's embarrassed about it I don't know.

The reason for me asking DB whether I could send a present is that DSIL doesn't like answering the door so any parcels would need to go to DB's work. As he has changed jobs recently I don't know his new work address or whether it's okay for him to receive parcels at work.

To my mind, when you have a baby you expect to see your immediate family pretty soon afterwards. We all live in the UK after all. My DBs have met all my DCs. I don't have enough information to speculate on whether my DB is in an abusive relationship. I suppose ultimately I regard it as my sisterly duty to go and visit, seeing as they can't come to visit me because of the way their work holidays work out. And of course I want to get to know my DSIL, see my big bro, and meet my DNephew.

[Gruntfuttock]

"DB just said a present for DNephew might 'set her off again' so I shouldn't send one."

Oh dear. I wonder what 'setting her off again' would entail.

[HaroldLloyd]

You don't sound like you like your siblings very much slithy.

Not everyone feels that way.

[slithytove]

I don't like my brother right now.

I like my sister, but she is hard work and demanding, and I'm just not physically or mentally in a place where I can cope with it.

I love them both very much.

They do not know my current feelings. My sister especially would spout off about how close we are.

I mentioned it to illustrate that things aren't always as they seem. Just because OP feels one way about her brother and their relationship doesn't mean he feels the same way right now. She has said she feels she should be his natural confidante etc, which considering she has also said that he has always had a reticent nature, doesn't seem to fit.

I also don't think it's hugely unusual that they don't go out much after having a baby.

[winkywinkola]

I reckon there's PND involved.

Be patient and quietly supportive.

Massive life change and some people just don't get on with it that well.

It's nobody's fault but it is a big deal.

[winkywinkola]

Aaaaaagh. Just read last third of thread sorry

[LoonvanBoon]

Just because OP feels one way about her brother and their relationship doesn't mean he feels the same way right now. She has said she feels she should be his natural confidante etc, which considering she has also said that he has always had a reticent nature, doesn't seem to fit.

This struck me too, slithy, & reminds me of my ILs. PIL have always made a point of telling me what a close family they are - it's like that's the official line. But in reality DH has never told them much beyond superficial news about his life & would never confide in any of them. And DSIL has kept some massive things secret from PIL. "Close" in their context seems to mean that they are all nice & polite to each other & noone says what they really feel about anything! Though MIL's PA digs often make her feelings pretty clear...

I agree though, OP, that something sounds odd here, what with the comment about a present "setting her [your SIL] off again" & her not wanting to answer the door. Maybe she's suffering from an anxiety disorder or serious depression & it's your DB being very secretive about it? Maybe SIL has taken against you specifically, given that she's met your mum? No reason to think that, I know, it's pure speculation - but so is the idea that it's an abusive marriage. The truth is you don't know your DB that well at all, & it sounds entirely consistent with his character that he's not confiding in you about whatever the hell is going on.

I'd be interested in your mum's impressions, as she's spent time with them both (& I'm nosy!). Did they seem happy & relaxed? Were they coping okay with the baby? What does she think now?

[seasavage]

I have no contact with my brother since he married where I do not initiate contact. Lately he's been rude around my kids. I am confident I embarass him (his wife is from a fairly privileged background). I am sure this is his issue as our parents brought us up with a strange relationship to wealth. I am over it. I suspect he is not. It makes me sad, but equally I have a busy life and he has my number.

[seasavage]

I suppose I am saying. Yes it is a shame. But back off of the pressure, send cards. Let them come out of their self imposed isolation. You've not caused it.

[Dropdeadfred2]

does your mum really not know anything about her grandsons illness ???

[StuntNun]

No Fred. All anyone knows is that he had to have an operation the day after he was born and he had another operation in the summer. We don't even know whether the two operations are related to the same condition or whether his illness is life-threatening or not, or what the prognosis is i.e. me whether further operations may be required. My mum's quietly going crazy about it. She's even said what if something happens to DB and DSIL and she's left looking after her grandson without actually knowing what's wrong with him. Yes that's a bit melodramatic but it shows how much it's even eating away at her.